I've rarely heard of withholding as an abuse tactic, but that's exactly what it was. For two years after he moved out of our bedroom, he refused to discuss it, telling me, "You won't like what you hear." Then, inexplicably he brought it up while I was driving through Washington DC during morning commute, in a monsoon, through a construction zone with multiple detours. He said he could not achieve "gratification" through sex with me because "your stomach sticks out more than your tits." (This was after surgery for breast cancer.). The timing, the wording, the "reason" -- all chosen for maximum cruelty. I wanted to make love with my husband, he made it clear he didn't love me, and wasn't attracted to me. He's an ex-husband now.
What an incredibly cruel thing to say to you 😔 It must have felt absolutely devastating. Their strategies are designed to target us where they know it will hurt the most. I'm so sorry he put you through that and very glad he is now your ex. 💛
Mine would fall asleep on the sofa for days and days on end. I said many times I didn’t like ending or starting the day alone. If I ever cried, explained how rejected I felt, or asked him to come to bed at the same time as me, he’d get really cold. Apparently he had promised himself he wouldn’t react when I was like that.
Thanks for sharing your experience with this. That must have been so painful, especially when you were trying to express a very human need for connection. There's nothing unreasonable about what you were asking for and he chose to withdraw and then respond in a way that you feel rejected for even wanting it. The problem was never you.
I totally get that. I also struggled for a long time, trying to understand why my ex-husband behaved the way he did. It's completely natural to want answers. The reasons may be different for each person. For instance, sometimes it may come from a personality disorder (commonly Borderline, Narcissistic or Antisocial). But generally it comes from their underlying attitudes of control, ownership, superiority, and entitlement, and those can develop from family, education, society, and social factors. I write about this more here: https://shadowsofcontrol.substack.com/p/inside-an-abusers-mind-control-entitlement
The most important thing to know is that you didn't cause it, and there wasn't a version of you that could have changed it.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I’m thinking aloud here and wonder if I can ask what support you need? Your posts make me feel like you’re walking alongside me xx
That's really kind of you to say, thank you. I am not in need of support right now, but it means a lot that you would offer it. I am so glad my articles leave you feeling that way.
I often feel that sense here too, among all those that share and comment, that we are all walking alongside each other, trying to navigate our way through this incredibly difficult journey 💛
Guarantee some of these men are closeted gays, who are using their partners/wives as beards. Even to themselves. That suppression and resentment of not being true to themselves projected outward.
A man tried pulling something like this on me once re: physical intimacy (whilst engaging in it) & I simply hopped off and said 'suit yourself' and was cavalier about it, which completely took him by surprise. He was actually shocked I didn't give a fig.
I do know a couple of cases where they withdrew sex and blamed it on their partner’s lack of desirability, but the real reason was their own sexuality.
New here, but it's been 12 years stuck in hell, but no intimacy whatsoever in many many years. To the point now, i don't like laying next to them but i know in order to keep safe and escape this cruel lifestyle, i must grit my teeth and endure using the same bed no matter how often i change rooms and hope i can fall asleep too. They still try occasionally for sex, with no return communication back to me.
That sounds incredibly hard to live with Vicki. I’m really sorry you are being subjected to that behaviour. You’re doing what you need to right now to get through and stay safe and that shows your resilience. You’re not alone in this, even though it can feel that way 💛
I have that extreme gut feeling that i used to ignore that not only tells me I'm for sure not alone even with knowing I've not one sole to say hi to on any given day. That has made me stronger and the motivation to help others at least get where i am at now,(Not just Hopeful but believing), and go through this great freedom transformation with so many other victims by my side and backing me up. A life like this creates high volume of my interest to help anyone, anyone, and anyone by listening to them. They are the, "One." The one that knows what's safest and the only one that can decide when it's the right time to leave for good. I want to help any "One".
I had a different experience. Exactly the opposite. Fear and shame felt like dueling banjos in my head for years—one warning me, one accusing me. Fear said something is wrong. Shame said you chose this. Fear said run. Shame said who would believe you now? Back and forth they played until I could no longer tell where one ended and the other began. And I wrote about it: https://texasoil.substack.com/p/shame-became-the-chain-the-abuse
Thank you for highlighting this. My ex moved into the spare bedroom after our little boy was born and never properly came back. It was so degrading just wanting to be held and being refused, let alone any further intimacy. And the shaming of it keeps us exactly where they want us - quiet and keeping it a secret while they parade us in public. It’s quite sick actually, thinking about it now. Shame on them all.
Thanks for sharing Anya. It's such a hard subject to talk about and there is very little out there about this particular behaviour. My ex did the same after my son was born and we had 6 years without intimacy. I thought the problem was me. Now I know that it wasn't. But the wound ran deep for a long time. As you said, the shame belongs to them.
He withheld love and affection from me for a long time and if I tried to seek closeness he said I used sex as a manipulative tool. It’s hard being rejected every time I reached for him. I eventually gave up trying
Thank you for this. When I felt safe enough to tell my local Family Violence Service that withholding sex felt like another tool to isolate me, make me feel ugly and unwanted (and I wasn’t asking on the weekly or even monthly) I was met with a talk about damaging stereotypes of men as being highly sexual. I felt so ashamed and unheard within a service that I didn’t push my point and extend THEIR understanding. My experience in my relationship of 24 years made me feel so ashamed and embarrassed of being met with a no (every couple of months would be my minimum) that I stopped asking.
It is part of the emotional neglect that was a core part of his abuse.
I understand that there are gender stereotypes that are damaging for men within the patriarchy but as the expert in my own life and experience it was important that I was validated in that moment not dismissed and felt like I was the problem for wanting sex. Just another tool to take away the spark inside me and my self-esteem.
Toward the end of our relationship I was kept up all night because he “felt like I was pulling away and not present within the relationship”. I told him honestly that there was a guy at work who I got along with really well and that I was putting some energy into that friendship - then I was forced to tell him every detail - days later I would be shamed into accepting I was in an emotional affair (I was) and how he would rather I slept with him than take the energy of our relationship - on the back of another year of me booking a restaurant for Valentines Day (the only day we would ever go out for a meal but he had cancelled the two year prior as well) and him not being able to make it and me having to cancel again. - I was desperate for attention and someone to look at me with kind eyes and interest) Well I was made to feel like the lowest of the low. Then moving forward I was coerced into having sex after much of his moping and him feeling like an ugly duckling. It was such a horrible time. His control was at an all time high, he had so much power from this. Thank you so much for this article it is what I needed to read. I finally feel seen and heard 🩷
Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal, difficult, and painful. Your story may help others who've been through similar to feel less alone. I am so glad that the article was validating for you and left you feeling seen and heard, that means a lot 💛
I've rarely heard of withholding as an abuse tactic, but that's exactly what it was. For two years after he moved out of our bedroom, he refused to discuss it, telling me, "You won't like what you hear." Then, inexplicably he brought it up while I was driving through Washington DC during morning commute, in a monsoon, through a construction zone with multiple detours. He said he could not achieve "gratification" through sex with me because "your stomach sticks out more than your tits." (This was after surgery for breast cancer.). The timing, the wording, the "reason" -- all chosen for maximum cruelty. I wanted to make love with my husband, he made it clear he didn't love me, and wasn't attracted to me. He's an ex-husband now.
What a jerk! I’m so sorry. 💕
What an incredibly cruel thing to say to you 😔 It must have felt absolutely devastating. Their strategies are designed to target us where they know it will hurt the most. I'm so sorry he put you through that and very glad he is now your ex. 💛
DAY-um! I'm surprised you didn't pitch him out of the car right in the middle of the construction zone. He sure deserved it.
Mine would fall asleep on the sofa for days and days on end. I said many times I didn’t like ending or starting the day alone. If I ever cried, explained how rejected I felt, or asked him to come to bed at the same time as me, he’d get really cold. Apparently he had promised himself he wouldn’t react when I was like that.
Thanks for sharing your experience with this. That must have been so painful, especially when you were trying to express a very human need for connection. There's nothing unreasonable about what you were asking for and he chose to withdraw and then respond in a way that you feel rejected for even wanting it. The problem was never you.
And I know you’ve written lots on this and I know the answer to my question, but I really struggle with why he did all this to me.
I totally get that. I also struggled for a long time, trying to understand why my ex-husband behaved the way he did. It's completely natural to want answers. The reasons may be different for each person. For instance, sometimes it may come from a personality disorder (commonly Borderline, Narcissistic or Antisocial). But generally it comes from their underlying attitudes of control, ownership, superiority, and entitlement, and those can develop from family, education, society, and social factors. I write about this more here: https://shadowsofcontrol.substack.com/p/inside-an-abusers-mind-control-entitlement
The most important thing to know is that you didn't cause it, and there wasn't a version of you that could have changed it.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I’m thinking aloud here and wonder if I can ask what support you need? Your posts make me feel like you’re walking alongside me xx
That's really kind of you to say, thank you. I am not in need of support right now, but it means a lot that you would offer it. I am so glad my articles leave you feeling that way.
I often feel that sense here too, among all those that share and comment, that we are all walking alongside each other, trying to navigate our way through this incredibly difficult journey 💛
Man, mine napped non-stop.. Couch? Hammock in the house.. bed..
Guarantee some of these men are closeted gays, who are using their partners/wives as beards. Even to themselves. That suppression and resentment of not being true to themselves projected outward.
A man tried pulling something like this on me once re: physical intimacy (whilst engaging in it) & I simply hopped off and said 'suit yourself' and was cavalier about it, which completely took him by surprise. He was actually shocked I didn't give a fig.
'Buddy I'm a *woman* I can *get that* anywhere' 🙄
I do know a couple of cases where they withdrew sex and blamed it on their partner’s lack of desirability, but the real reason was their own sexuality.
New here, but it's been 12 years stuck in hell, but no intimacy whatsoever in many many years. To the point now, i don't like laying next to them but i know in order to keep safe and escape this cruel lifestyle, i must grit my teeth and endure using the same bed no matter how often i change rooms and hope i can fall asleep too. They still try occasionally for sex, with no return communication back to me.
That sounds incredibly hard to live with Vicki. I’m really sorry you are being subjected to that behaviour. You’re doing what you need to right now to get through and stay safe and that shows your resilience. You’re not alone in this, even though it can feel that way 💛
I have that extreme gut feeling that i used to ignore that not only tells me I'm for sure not alone even with knowing I've not one sole to say hi to on any given day. That has made me stronger and the motivation to help others at least get where i am at now,(Not just Hopeful but believing), and go through this great freedom transformation with so many other victims by my side and backing me up. A life like this creates high volume of my interest to help anyone, anyone, and anyone by listening to them. They are the, "One." The one that knows what's safest and the only one that can decide when it's the right time to leave for good. I want to help any "One".
Such a great reminder that abuse can come in any form.
I had a different experience. Exactly the opposite. Fear and shame felt like dueling banjos in my head for years—one warning me, one accusing me. Fear said something is wrong. Shame said you chose this. Fear said run. Shame said who would believe you now? Back and forth they played until I could no longer tell where one ended and the other began. And I wrote about it: https://texasoil.substack.com/p/shame-became-the-chain-the-abuse
Thank you for highlighting this. My ex moved into the spare bedroom after our little boy was born and never properly came back. It was so degrading just wanting to be held and being refused, let alone any further intimacy. And the shaming of it keeps us exactly where they want us - quiet and keeping it a secret while they parade us in public. It’s quite sick actually, thinking about it now. Shame on them all.
Thanks for sharing Anya. It's such a hard subject to talk about and there is very little out there about this particular behaviour. My ex did the same after my son was born and we had 6 years without intimacy. I thought the problem was me. Now I know that it wasn't. But the wound ran deep for a long time. As you said, the shame belongs to them.
You deserve so much better - as do your other commenters and supporters. ❤️
He withheld love and affection from me for a long time and if I tried to seek closeness he said I used sex as a manipulative tool. It’s hard being rejected every time I reached for him. I eventually gave up trying
That rejection is indeed so painful, along with being criticised and blamed. The wounds run deep. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that. 😔
Thankyou I’m so glad I found your post. It has validated my experience. I now don’t feel like something is wrong with me
I'm so glad it was validating and that now you know the problem was never you.
Thank you for this. When I felt safe enough to tell my local Family Violence Service that withholding sex felt like another tool to isolate me, make me feel ugly and unwanted (and I wasn’t asking on the weekly or even monthly) I was met with a talk about damaging stereotypes of men as being highly sexual. I felt so ashamed and unheard within a service that I didn’t push my point and extend THEIR understanding. My experience in my relationship of 24 years made me feel so ashamed and embarrassed of being met with a no (every couple of months would be my minimum) that I stopped asking.
It is part of the emotional neglect that was a core part of his abuse.
I understand that there are gender stereotypes that are damaging for men within the patriarchy but as the expert in my own life and experience it was important that I was validated in that moment not dismissed and felt like I was the problem for wanting sex. Just another tool to take away the spark inside me and my self-esteem.
Toward the end of our relationship I was kept up all night because he “felt like I was pulling away and not present within the relationship”. I told him honestly that there was a guy at work who I got along with really well and that I was putting some energy into that friendship - then I was forced to tell him every detail - days later I would be shamed into accepting I was in an emotional affair (I was) and how he would rather I slept with him than take the energy of our relationship - on the back of another year of me booking a restaurant for Valentines Day (the only day we would ever go out for a meal but he had cancelled the two year prior as well) and him not being able to make it and me having to cancel again. - I was desperate for attention and someone to look at me with kind eyes and interest) Well I was made to feel like the lowest of the low. Then moving forward I was coerced into having sex after much of his moping and him feeling like an ugly duckling. It was such a horrible time. His control was at an all time high, he had so much power from this. Thank you so much for this article it is what I needed to read. I finally feel seen and heard 🩷
Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal, difficult, and painful. Your story may help others who've been through similar to feel less alone. I am so glad that the article was validating for you and left you feeling seen and heard, that means a lot 💛