Inside an Abuser's Mind: Control, Entitlement, Ownership and Superiority

Why does someone abuse the person they claim to love? It’s a question that survivors often wrestle with — not just to make sense of what happened, but to understand who they were really dealing with. The answer doesn’t lie in anger, alcohol, stress, or even childhood trauma. Abuse is not caused by circumstances. It is driven by attitudes.

These attitudes form early — long before any particular relationship begins. They are embedded, often unconsciously, through years of socialisation, belief systems, family dynamics, and gender conditioning. By the time the abuser enters an intimate relationship, these values are already operating under the surface. Abuse then becomes a means of asserting those attitudes, not a response to the relationship itself.

To make sense of this abusive mindset, I’ve developed the COERCES framework — a lens to help unpack the psychology of coercive control and intimate partner abuse. Each letter represents a core feature of the abuser’s inner world:

C – Control

O – Ownership

E – Entitlement

R – Righteousness

C – Competitiveness

E – Enmeshment

S– Superiority

These beliefs form the root system of coercive control — a dynamic that traps victims in cycles of fear, guilt, and confusion.

C – Control

In an intimate relationship, decisions, needs, and boundaries are negotiated. But for the abuser, relationships are not collaborative — they are hierarchical. Control is not an occasional tactic; it is the foundation.

This deep-rooted belief in the right to control means they feel entitled to determine where their partner goes, who they speak to, how they spend their time, what they wear, and even how they think. It’s a mindset that sees freedom as disobedience and compromise as weakness.

Abusers don’t lose control – they set out to establish it and then maintain it. And when it slips, the abuser believes they are justified in using manipulation, threats, or violence to restore their dominance.

O – Ownership

At the core of the abusive mindset is a belief in ownership — the idea that once someone is in a relationship with them, that person becomes theirs to control and define. This is not about emotional closeness or deepening intimacy; it is about possession. The partner is not viewed as a separate human being with autonomy, but as an object whose role is to reflect, serve, or elevate the abuser’s needs.

This belief is often cloaked in language that sounds like love: “You belong to me,” “You’re mine,” or “I can’t live without you.” But underneath the romanticised phrasing is a mindset that sees the partner as something to be claimed.

As the relationship progresses, this sense of ownership tends to intensify. Commitment is interpreted as a form of acquisition — a justification for more control, more intrusion, and more punishment when the partner resists. Rather than building mutual respect over time, the abuser tightens their grip. The more history there is, the more they believe they have the right to define how the relationship operates, regardless of how their partner feels.

E – Entitlement

Entitlement is one of the most defining features of the abusive mindset. It’s the belief that their needs, desires, opinions, and preferences matter more.

This belief shows up in many ways: double standards, emotional neglect, manipulation, and retaliation when boundaries are set. The abuser expects constant accommodation from their partner, without offering the same in return. They may demand attention, support, and admiration — yet show little empathy or patience for their partner’s emotional life.

This isn’t situational. It comes from the ingrained belief: “I come first. You exist to meet my needs.” And when that expectation isn’t met, punishment — whether emotional, psychological, or physical — often follows.

R – Righteousness

Abusers don’t usually see themselves as cruel or unjust. Instead, they see their actions as justified. That is the danger of righteousness. It provides moral cover for harmful behaviour.

When the abusive partner acts out — whether by yelling, isolating, controlling, or degrading — they may feel completely justified in doing so. They may believe they’re correcting you, protecting you, or reacting to something you did wrong. Their logic is twisted, but internally it feels consistent: “If I’m angry, it must be because I’ve been wronged. If I punish you, it’s because you deserve it.”

This sense of moral superiority makes accountability nearly impossible. It also creates confusion for the victim, who is often manipulated into believing that the abuse is somehow their fault.

C – Competitiveness

Rather than seeking mutual understanding, the abuser treats relationships like a contest. There must be a winner and a loser — and they refuse to be the one who loses.

This competitive mindset plays out in subtle and overt ways. In arguments, they dominate rather than discuss. In disagreements, they aim to silence or outsmart. Even during calm periods, there is often a quiet undercurrent of one-upmanship, sabotage, or scorekeeping. Everything becomes a measure of who holds more ground, more influence, more control.

This adversarial attitude doesn’t fade when the relationship ends — in fact, it often intensifies. If their partner leaves, the abuser may see it not as a personal decision but as a challenge to their authority. They may become determined to win the breakup: to defeat their ex in court, to secure the better financial outcome, to manipulate mutual friends with false narratives. If children are involved, they may use them as pawns — not just to cause pain, but to maintain a position of dominance. They may compete for the child’s affection, undermine the safe parent, or twist the child’s view of what happened. The abuser has a relentless need to come out on top, no matter who gets hurt in the process.

E – Enmeshment

A key feature of the abusive mindset is the refusal to acknowledge their partner as a separate, autonomous person. In this worldview, the partner is not allowed to have a distinct emotional life, independent thoughts, or personal boundaries. Instead, they are expected to mirror the abuser’s needs, beliefs, moods, and internal state at all times.

The abuser does not see their partner as a separate person — they see them as an extension of themselves. This mindset is driven by a deep expectation of emotional sameness: the partner should think what they think, feel what they feel, and want what they want. Any difference is treated as disobedience, and any attempt to assert a separate reality is dismissed as irrational, selfish, or wrong.

Over time, this erasure of individuality leads the victim to second-guess themselves and suppress their inner world, not out of weakness but as a survival strategy. The enmeshing mindset leaves no room for autonomy — only compliance, reflection, and emotional absorption into the self of the one who demands control.

S – Superiority

At the core of the abusive mindset lies a deep belief in personal superiority. The abuser sees themselves as more rational, more intelligent, more capable, and more deserving of control. They believe their judgement is better. Their needs are greater. Their way is right.

This isn’t just arrogance. It’s a psychological stance that justifies every other aspect of abuse. It explains why they interrupt, talk over, belittle, or dismiss their partner. It’s also why they often have little empathy for the harm they cause.

To them, the relationship is not between equals. It’s a hierarchy — and they sit firmly at the top.

Abuse Is Not a Loss of Control — It’s a System of Belief

To understand the abusive mindset, it's important to be clear about what abuse is not. It is not the result of momentary loss of control, a drinking problem, or external pressures. Abusers often function calmly in other areas of life. They can manage their behaviour at work, with friends, or around authority figures — because they do not believe they have the right to control those people.

Their abusive behaviour is selective and strategic. It appears in intimate settings because that’s where they feel most entitled to power.

This is why explanations based on external factors fall short. Stress may raise tension, and trauma may shape personality, but neither creates a mindset built on control, ownership, and superiority. These beliefs are absorbed over time, often long before the relationship begins. The partner is never the cause of the abuse — they step into the path of a system that was already in place.

The Core of the Problem

The COERCES framework reveals the underlying architecture of abuse — not just what abusers do, but what they believe. These are not momentary lapses in judgment. They are part of a broader system of values that prioritises control, justifies harm, and denies equality.

For survivors, understanding this can bring clarity. It shifts the focus from “What did I do wrong?” to “What was already there before I even entered the picture?” And for professionals and advocates, it helps explain why abuse doesn’t end with a single apology or a change in circumstances — because what needs to change is the entire foundation. It will not be resolved through better communication, couples therapy, meditation, or anger management classes, because the problem is not ‘mutual conflict’ and it is not miscommunication or poor emotional regulation — it is a belief system rooted in domination.

The most dangerous part of abuse is not the outburst, but the belief that justifies it. Until that belief system is addressed, the pattern will continue. Recognising this is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

Featured image: The abusive mindset. Source: Serhii Holdin / Adobe Stock.

References

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Berkley Books.

Evans, P. (2002). Controlling people: How to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you. Adams Media.

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.