Wow... this is one of the most direct, comprehensive articles I've read, it really clarified my own misperceptions that I see in the past led to false hope. It's not just the alcohol addiction because at work, he acted different. It's not just learning to manage his anger, because as you mention if that were the root problem, it would be with everyone, in all situations but it isn't. He's choosing to abuse and to manipulate where it serves his best interest and where he sees the ability to do so via control and a lack of firm boundaries - mic drop moment in reading this. Thank you!
Thanks so much for sharing this. That clarity you're describing is such a powerful shift, even though it can be hard to sit with. I’m really glad the article helped bring some validation and helped name what you were already sensing deep down. You’re absolutely right: when someone can behave differently in other settings, it’s not about losing control, it’s about exerting it where they feel entitled to. You deserved better 💛
Wow! This really puts things in such a different light for me and this is exactly how my ex was with me and still is in so many ways. He absolutely hates that he no longer can exert any sort of control over me. He is so damn righteous even when it is clear as day that he is in the wrong. I'm so glad I am out of that marriage.
I’m so glad this resonated with you — and even more glad you’re out of the controlling marriage. The righteousness is so incredibly hard to deal with. When someone wrongs us, we want to at least hear an authentic apology or an acknowledgment of the harm done to us, but we will never get that from an abuser. Not only will an abuser never accept they've done something wrong, they will even flip the script and make it seem that they are the one who has been wronged!
Thanks for your comment, yes you're absolutely right. My focus is on relationships, but it can happen outside this dynamic too, especially an abusive parent to their child. But also other dynamics where they feel they have ownership e.g. a boss over an employee.
I can attest to that. Estranged from my parents and brother last year in my forties. I’m currently having treatment for the Complex PTSD they caused.
Almost all of this article represents their mindset. It became very clear by their words, actions and responses to any form of non-compliance on my part, especially in my adulthood when they couldn’t directly dictate how I lived. They were emotionally abusive, scapegoated me and slandered me to extended family with a very twisted narrative, so I lost all my relationships with relatives.
They have no concept of what it’s like to be on the receiving end of their behaviour, so were both confused and furious when I estranged. They were convinced they were immaculate parents.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through and the severe impact it has had on your life. 😔 The shift in adulthood, when they could no longer directly control you, often brings their mindset into sharp focus — and it’s devastating how they respond when they lose that power. Estrangement is often the most self-protective and courageous choice a person can make in this circumstance.
I share Shadow's feeling - so sorry you've had to endure that garbage - especially from the people who are supposed to love and protect and support you the most! Let me guess - you're regarded as the black sheep of the family? But you're everything BUT that!
Thank you for sharing this, although after two years of dealing with this type of behavior I've come to many of these conclusions on my own and made the decision to end the relationship, seeing what I always believed was true written out so clearly is extremely validating. I have gone back and forth with myself and made so many excuses and held on to hope that things would get better if I changed, but the changes began to feel like complete self-abandonment, and a relationship with someone who loves me shouldn't require that.
Thank you for your comment. That back and forth, the self-doubt, the hope that maybe you could fix it, is something so many of us have gone through. It is so hard to recognise what's going on when holding on starts to cost you your sense of self. I'm really glad the post helped validate what you've been through.
That means so much — thank you. I know how disorienting and validating it can be to finally see things this clearly. I’m really glad it landed with you.
Well done! You have put so succinctly and in one go all the thoughts I have had here and there over the years but didn’t have the vocabulary to communicate these patterns and underlying philosophy to what I was experiencing. I will be referring back to it again and again. Excellent tool for those who are just waking up to what has seemed “off” in their relationship.
Wow... this is one of the most direct, comprehensive articles I've read, it really clarified my own misperceptions that I see in the past led to false hope. It's not just the alcohol addiction because at work, he acted different. It's not just learning to manage his anger, because as you mention if that were the root problem, it would be with everyone, in all situations but it isn't. He's choosing to abuse and to manipulate where it serves his best interest and where he sees the ability to do so via control and a lack of firm boundaries - mic drop moment in reading this. Thank you!
Thanks so much for sharing this. That clarity you're describing is such a powerful shift, even though it can be hard to sit with. I’m really glad the article helped bring some validation and helped name what you were already sensing deep down. You’re absolutely right: when someone can behave differently in other settings, it’s not about losing control, it’s about exerting it where they feel entitled to. You deserved better 💛
Wow! This really puts things in such a different light for me and this is exactly how my ex was with me and still is in so many ways. He absolutely hates that he no longer can exert any sort of control over me. He is so damn righteous even when it is clear as day that he is in the wrong. I'm so glad I am out of that marriage.
I’m so glad this resonated with you — and even more glad you’re out of the controlling marriage. The righteousness is so incredibly hard to deal with. When someone wrongs us, we want to at least hear an authentic apology or an acknowledgment of the harm done to us, but we will never get that from an abuser. Not only will an abuser never accept they've done something wrong, they will even flip the script and make it seem that they are the one who has been wronged!
I know him. You've described him perfectly. The only thing to add is that it doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic relationship.
Thanks for your comment, yes you're absolutely right. My focus is on relationships, but it can happen outside this dynamic too, especially an abusive parent to their child. But also other dynamics where they feel they have ownership e.g. a boss over an employee.
I can attest to that. Estranged from my parents and brother last year in my forties. I’m currently having treatment for the Complex PTSD they caused.
Almost all of this article represents their mindset. It became very clear by their words, actions and responses to any form of non-compliance on my part, especially in my adulthood when they couldn’t directly dictate how I lived. They were emotionally abusive, scapegoated me and slandered me to extended family with a very twisted narrative, so I lost all my relationships with relatives.
They have no concept of what it’s like to be on the receiving end of their behaviour, so were both confused and furious when I estranged. They were convinced they were immaculate parents.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through and the severe impact it has had on your life. 😔 The shift in adulthood, when they could no longer directly control you, often brings their mindset into sharp focus — and it’s devastating how they respond when they lose that power. Estrangement is often the most self-protective and courageous choice a person can make in this circumstance.
I share Shadow's feeling - so sorry you've had to endure that garbage - especially from the people who are supposed to love and protect and support you the most! Let me guess - you're regarded as the black sheep of the family? But you're everything BUT that!
I'm sorry for what you've been through, my experience is very similar. I hope your treatment is helpful 💜
Fantastic and clear piece. Great writing!
Thank you for sharing this, although after two years of dealing with this type of behavior I've come to many of these conclusions on my own and made the decision to end the relationship, seeing what I always believed was true written out so clearly is extremely validating. I have gone back and forth with myself and made so many excuses and held on to hope that things would get better if I changed, but the changes began to feel like complete self-abandonment, and a relationship with someone who loves me shouldn't require that.
Thank you for your comment. That back and forth, the self-doubt, the hope that maybe you could fix it, is something so many of us have gone through. It is so hard to recognise what's going on when holding on starts to cost you your sense of self. I'm really glad the post helped validate what you've been through.
The competitive part really reminds me of aspects of my relationship with my dad.
That must have been especially hard coming from a parent - the person who is meant to nurture you, not compete with you!
This is a spot on description. I also appreciate the acronym for remembering it.
Thank you, I'm glad you find it helpful.
I am REELING - this is about the most clear eyed and incisive thing I've read yet. Thank you so much for this 🙏
That means so much — thank you. I know how disorienting and validating it can be to finally see things this clearly. I’m really glad it landed with you.
Absolutely agree!
This is an outstanding summary.
It puts into words what I always try to get across to people when I deliver training sessions.
This means a lot coming from someone with your expertise and whose work I greatly respect, thank you!
Well done! You have put so succinctly and in one go all the thoughts I have had here and there over the years but didn’t have the vocabulary to communicate these patterns and underlying philosophy to what I was experiencing. I will be referring back to it again and again. Excellent tool for those who are just waking up to what has seemed “off” in their relationship.
Not only men. Also women do that.