When my sons were like four or five, I got paged out to bring a woman into shelter. I told them, "There's a woman whose husband is hitting her, so I'm going to go take her somewhere safe." They were immediately asking why someone would do that. Then one of the kids said, "Maybe she was eating his food." (A big thing with little kids!) But what struck me is this - we always want to understand *why* someone would be violent towards someone they supposedly "love", and even at that young age the first thing people latch onto is "YOU must have done something. YOU must have caused it."
I think part of it is because it's so hard for people to believe that the abuser is acting that way BECAUSE THEY LIKE IT. They like the feeling of power. They like having complete control over someone else. And no matter how "good" she is, he will find a reason to be abusive. Abuse is never the victim's fault, but you're so right about the revictimization they experience from people that just can't understand abuser mindset.
It's so much worse when it's therapists, police officers, etc. People that SHOULD understand the dynamics. That's why we do what we do!
I'm learning more and more and more something I once would have considered unthinkable: that professional therapists can often be ignorant of DV and abuse dynamics. Now, while still disheartened, I am less surprised.
Power dynamics and cold blooded approach not only disbelieves, they reverse the abuse and orchestrate the survivor as crazy person. It is shame when I see women are suffering in this century !
Male victims are not uncommon. They also require support, but are also often actively opposed. Many people close often enable abuse unknowingly. Some, knowingly.
The patriarchy has done one thing very very well. They demonized women right from the start and called them liars, Murderers, crazy, over-reactors, evil, etc… many of us bought into that.
These projections were deliberate and aimed to suppress oppress depress and murder woman.
ALL abusers lie. Every damn one.
A minuscule % of women (and children) lie and of those most recant out of fear for their lives.
The patriarchy hates women but really it’s because we threaten them the most. The patriarchy knows they are inferior. And what does the patriarchy do with their feelings? Violent anger! They Demean diminish assault rape abuse instill fear silence them lie and murder women both literally and figuratively.
I am so very sorry for everything you've been through Jen. It is an extremely hard and lonely journey to be on, especially if you don't have help on the ground. But you are not alone. There are many women who are walking or have walked this same journey and who want to support you. Please, if you are planning to harm yourself, contact a helpline in your area that can offer you the help and support you deserve. I care about your safety and hope you can reach out to someone you trust right now. If you are in the US, 988 is the suicide and crisis lifeline. I would encourage you to join my private Facebook group for domestic abuse victims, where you can share your experiences and receive support from other women going through this: https://www.facebook.com/groups/shadowsofcontrol
Hi Jen, so sorry for the delay in approving your join request. I have to do it manually and if you are in the US, we are in opposite time zones. But about your replies, you don't need to apologise at all. What you're feeling makes sense when you’ve been hurt so badly for so long, and I hear how much pain and exhaustion you’re carrying.
None of this is your fault. You’ve fought so hard to survive things no one should ever have had to endure. What you’re saying about the second wave of abuse, about how broken and trampled you feel after leaving—it’s something so many survivors never get to speak out loud. But you’re speaking it. That takes immense strength even when you feel like you have nothing left.
Having been through over two decades of abuse myself - first in a cult and then in a marriage, I know how utterly exhausting and debilitating it is and how easy it is to lose hope that there can be anything better out there. But although I am still walking my own path of recovery, I now experience real moments of joy, peace, and freedom, and you can too. You are not “too broken.” You are someone who’s been unimaginably hurt and is still here, still trying, still speaking.
You are worth so much more than what this world has done to you. Keep fighting. Sending all my care and support. 💛🫂
Hi Jen:) Never be sorry..AND,YES!!! People can really fucking suck!! Keep crying,keep feeling..allow your tears to free/ cleanse and to let go of some of that toxicity and pain in which you never asked for.And most of all keep talking..Don’t worry about the inability to process correctly …That will come back with time.You are experiencing trauma so allow yourself forgiveness and be kind to your mind…Cut out all the bullies around you.And give your energy to something that might allow you to smile ( be it only if for a moment) The light is still in you.Although someone has dimmed it..I feel your storm approaching…World look out🌪️all that rage/pain, hurt ,deception , despair , loneliness , heartbreak disappointment..You are going to allow it to rip / twirl right through you and out of you….And your light is going to shine through so so bright.Because you survived the storm..You released all the crap trying to take you down…Damn girl..You kicked that storms fucking ass!!! I feel this for you ..As I am sure many other people do as well..Because you are not alone in this..REMEMBER THAT..❤️✨🌞🌛⭐️🦋
Hi Jen…. I struggle with what i thought to be alone (until i read your post)see, it made me realize that….We are not alone.Although at times we feel to be.We are one of many women struggling along side one another together at the same time under the same sun and seeing the same moon and stars.We don’t know one another.But we share the struggle and the pain.And to share something with someone means that you are not alone❤️🩹. You are beautiful and you are strong..And tomorrow will be better than today. And If not tomorrow then the day after that..You just need to wait a little longer …. And know that you are not alone..☁️🌦️🌤️☀️✨🌝🌛🌏🦢
When my sons were like four or five, I got paged out to bring a woman into shelter. I told them, "There's a woman whose husband is hitting her, so I'm going to go take her somewhere safe." They were immediately asking why someone would do that. Then one of the kids said, "Maybe she was eating his food." (A big thing with little kids!) But what struck me is this - we always want to understand *why* someone would be violent towards someone they supposedly "love", and even at that young age the first thing people latch onto is "YOU must have done something. YOU must have caused it."
I think part of it is because it's so hard for people to believe that the abuser is acting that way BECAUSE THEY LIKE IT. They like the feeling of power. They like having complete control over someone else. And no matter how "good" she is, he will find a reason to be abusive. Abuse is never the victim's fault, but you're so right about the revictimization they experience from people that just can't understand abuser mindset.
It's so much worse when it's therapists, police officers, etc. People that SHOULD understand the dynamics. That's why we do what we do!
I'm learning more and more and more something I once would have considered unthinkable: that professional therapists can often be ignorant of DV and abuse dynamics. Now, while still disheartened, I am less surprised.
Power dynamics and cold blooded approach not only disbelieves, they reverse the abuse and orchestrate the survivor as crazy person. It is shame when I see women are suffering in this century !
Male victims are not uncommon. They also require support, but are also often actively opposed. Many people close often enable abuse unknowingly. Some, knowingly.
Thank you. Particularly the part where the most powerful thing you can hear is, "I believe you."
The patriarchy has done one thing very very well. They demonized women right from the start and called them liars, Murderers, crazy, over-reactors, evil, etc… many of us bought into that.
These projections were deliberate and aimed to suppress oppress depress and murder woman.
ALL abusers lie. Every damn one.
A minuscule % of women (and children) lie and of those most recant out of fear for their lives.
The patriarchy hates women but really it’s because we threaten them the most. The patriarchy knows they are inferior. And what does the patriarchy do with their feelings? Violent anger! They Demean diminish assault rape abuse instill fear silence them lie and murder women both literally and figuratively.
It’s what they do….
I am so very sorry for everything you've been through Jen. It is an extremely hard and lonely journey to be on, especially if you don't have help on the ground. But you are not alone. There are many women who are walking or have walked this same journey and who want to support you. Please, if you are planning to harm yourself, contact a helpline in your area that can offer you the help and support you deserve. I care about your safety and hope you can reach out to someone you trust right now. If you are in the US, 988 is the suicide and crisis lifeline. I would encourage you to join my private Facebook group for domestic abuse victims, where you can share your experiences and receive support from other women going through this: https://www.facebook.com/groups/shadowsofcontrol
Hi Jen, so sorry for the delay in approving your join request. I have to do it manually and if you are in the US, we are in opposite time zones. But about your replies, you don't need to apologise at all. What you're feeling makes sense when you’ve been hurt so badly for so long, and I hear how much pain and exhaustion you’re carrying.
None of this is your fault. You’ve fought so hard to survive things no one should ever have had to endure. What you’re saying about the second wave of abuse, about how broken and trampled you feel after leaving—it’s something so many survivors never get to speak out loud. But you’re speaking it. That takes immense strength even when you feel like you have nothing left.
Having been through over two decades of abuse myself - first in a cult and then in a marriage, I know how utterly exhausting and debilitating it is and how easy it is to lose hope that there can be anything better out there. But although I am still walking my own path of recovery, I now experience real moments of joy, peace, and freedom, and you can too. You are not “too broken.” You are someone who’s been unimaginably hurt and is still here, still trying, still speaking.
You are worth so much more than what this world has done to you. Keep fighting. Sending all my care and support. 💛🫂
Hi Jen:) Never be sorry..AND,YES!!! People can really fucking suck!! Keep crying,keep feeling..allow your tears to free/ cleanse and to let go of some of that toxicity and pain in which you never asked for.And most of all keep talking..Don’t worry about the inability to process correctly …That will come back with time.You are experiencing trauma so allow yourself forgiveness and be kind to your mind…Cut out all the bullies around you.And give your energy to something that might allow you to smile ( be it only if for a moment) The light is still in you.Although someone has dimmed it..I feel your storm approaching…World look out🌪️all that rage/pain, hurt ,deception , despair , loneliness , heartbreak disappointment..You are going to allow it to rip / twirl right through you and out of you….And your light is going to shine through so so bright.Because you survived the storm..You released all the crap trying to take you down…Damn girl..You kicked that storms fucking ass!!! I feel this for you ..As I am sure many other people do as well..Because you are not alone in this..REMEMBER THAT..❤️✨🌞🌛⭐️🦋
Hi Jen…. I struggle with what i thought to be alone (until i read your post)see, it made me realize that….We are not alone.Although at times we feel to be.We are one of many women struggling along side one another together at the same time under the same sun and seeing the same moon and stars.We don’t know one another.But we share the struggle and the pain.And to share something with someone means that you are not alone❤️🩹. You are beautiful and you are strong..And tomorrow will be better than today. And If not tomorrow then the day after that..You just need to wait a little longer …. And know that you are not alone..☁️🌦️🌤️☀️✨🌝🌛🌏🦢
No. Don’t suicide. You are not alone. There are people around you who enable the abuse without realising what they do.
Reach out to a anti suicide support group. A church?