The Second Betrayal: When Survivors Aren’t Believed

Escaping domestic abuse is one of the most difficult things a person can do. It takes immense courage to walk away from someone who has manipulated, controlled, or harmed you—especially when ‘love’ and fear are tightly intertwined. But for many survivors, what follows that courageous step isn’t the support they hoped for. Instead, they may face another devastating blow: not being believed.

This second betrayal doesn’t come from the abuser—it can come from friends, family, colleagues, professionals, law enforcement, and sometimes entire communities. And it cuts just as deeply.

Seeking Support, Finding Judgment

After escaping the control and chaos of abuse, survivors often need to process and talk about what they’ve been through. But when their pain is met with disbelief or minimization, it creates a kind of emotional whiplash.

One survivor shared, “After being able to share some of what it was like, hoping for some comfort, my stepmother said, ‘I told you not to move in with him.’”

Another recalled, “My mom said, ‘He must’ve really been upset when he got fired from his job,’ as if that was a good reason to abuse me.”

These comments may seem casual or even well-meaning to the people saying them, but to the person who has just escaped harm, they echo the gaslighting and blame they endured in the relationship. They send the message: “Maybe it wasn’t that bad,” or worse, “Maybe it was your fault.”

Minimized and Misunderstood

Survivors often face a different kind of harm after leaving—one that comes from people minimizing their experiences or completely misunderstanding what they’ve been through.

Comments like “It wasn’t that bad” or “Sorry things didn’t work out” may seem harmless on the surface, but they can feel like yet another form of blame.

One survivor recalled, “I can’t believe you left him; he was such a good man,” repeating the kind of denial they’d already endured in the relationship. Another said, “You should’ve said something sooner,” a phrase that shifts blame onto the survivor rather than acknowledging the complexity and fear that kept them silent.

These moments of dismissal reinforce shame and self-doubt, pushing survivors further into isolation—just when they need understanding the most.

The Damage of Being Dismissed

The impact of not being believed is far from a fleeting insult. It can delay healing for years. When survivors begin to doubt their own memories, question their instincts, or wonder if they somehow deserved the treatment they received, the psychological harm runs deep.

“My own mother had the audacity to say I must have liked the abuse,” said one woman. “I love her from a distance now... I don’t have to put up with her mental abuse either.”

“I have several friends who still don't fully comprehend how bad or dangerous it all was for me,” one woman said. “That made me doubt my own experiences at a vulnerable time when I was still getting over being gaslit by him.”

Another survivor shared, “The cop I reported to said, ‘You’re just making this up,’ after doing zero investigation.”

These experiences aren’t rare. For many survivors, disbelief doesn’t come from one person—it comes from multiple people, over and over, chipping away at the foundation they’re trying to rebuild.

When Professionals Fail You

Being dismissed by friends or family is painful. But when it comes from professionals—police officers, therapists, social workers—it can be traumatizing. Survivors are often told to trust these systems. They’re told that help exists. But what happens when that ‘help’ ends up perpetuating the abuse?

One woman said, “I told the therapist what he did, and she asked me what I had done to trigger him. I never went back.”

Another shared, “My child told the judge he was scared of his dad. I tried to protect him, but they said I was alienating him. Then they gave full custody to the man he was afraid of.”

Another recalled reporting a strangulation incident: “The cop never investigated and just said I was making it up.”

Disbelief from systems designed to protect doesn’t just wound—it re-traumatizes. It reinforces the survivor’s worst fear: that no one will see the truth.

Why People Don’t Want to Believe Victims

It’s easier to believe someone is exaggerating than to accept the possibility that someone they know—or once liked—has the capacity to abuse. The myth of the “obvious abuser” makes it hard for people to recognize coercive control or emotional abuse. When survivors speak up, they’re often met with resistance because their stories threaten the false sense of safety others rely on.

“There’s this idea that abuse has to look like bruises and black eyes,” one survivor said. “But for me, it was the constant erosion of self-worth. When I talked about it, people looked at me like I was overreacting.”

Another added, “I wish people knew how many of us look ‘fine’ on the outside. How many of us smiled through hell.”

When the truth is too uncomfortable to face, people choose the version that feels safer, and survivors are left carrying the weight of both the abuse and the disbelief.

The Risk of Going Back

One of the most dangerous outcomes of being dismissed is that many survivors return to their abuser. Not because they want to—but because they’re shamed, isolated, and made to feel like the abuse wasn’t real.

“Real support can be felt,” one survivor said. “A lot head back to their abuser because they didn’t get support—they got reprimanded and invalidated.”

Another echoed the heartbreak of this cycle: “I left once and no one believed me—not even my closest friend. I started wondering if I was overreacting. So I went back. And things got worse.”

When survivors reach out and are met with doubt, they are forced to carry the weight of what they endured entirely alone. For some, this silence becomes unbearable.

Rebuilding in the Aftermath of Betrayal

Healing from abuse is already a long, complicated process. But healing after being disbelieved requires survivors to find entirely new sources of validation. Many turn to survivor communities, therapy, or even anonymous online forums just to feel seen and heard.

“I wish someone had just said, ‘I believe you,’” one person said. “Those three words could have changed everything.”

Another said, “Quiet support. No questions, no judgment, but understanding, acceptance, acknowledgment... that’s what I needed.”

For survivors, these moments of validation are life-affirming. They counter the noise of disbelief. They help piece together the fragments of self-worth that abuse and dismissal tried to destroy.

The second betrayal—the denial of a survivor’s truth—is one of the most painful parts of recovery. But with compassion, listening, and courage to stand beside survivors without judgment, we can help prevent this added wound. And for those who’ve already lived it, know this: your story matters, your pain is real, and you never needed anyone’s permission to protect yourself or choose what was right for you.

Featured image: When victims are not believed. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.