Thank you for this. The other day I had a bit of a frustrating conversation with someone who kept asserting that abuse comes from generational trauma and it's not intentional. Sorry but when a grown adult puts his hands on someone, and that someone says "that hurts, please stop" and he doesn't stop, that is a choice. Especially when it's not coming from a place of anger, like getting so upset that he lost control. No, he did it because he thought it was funny, and he denied that it was actually painful, no matter what I said. He was in control. He made his choices. I can't excuse that as generational trauma.
And the standard disclaimer: Why don't ALL traumatised people behave like that?? I have survivor expertise in this. I'm damaged from childhood maternal abuse extending into adulthood. I was abused in the Church (not sexual, but still abuse).
I do not and have never replicated any of the behaviours to which I was subjected. In fact, awareness of the deeply hurtful effect of those abuse experiences left me with the conviction that such behaviours are hurtful, horrifying and, above all, NEVER TO BE ENACTED ON ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. End of.
Check out a book by David Buss called The Murderer Next Door. He uses a lot of data to support the idea that when people kill their abusers, it's self-defense, even if the abuse isn't "at the moment."
I carried this same narrative most my life, believing it was true given I also acted out of character when I was in survival mode and hurt people. But it's a choice and I made the choice to take responsibility for my healing and the impact my unhealed trauma was causing on others. I make that choice everyday. But sometimes it's easier to believe they don't realize the harm because they are so hurt, traumatized, unaware etc... than to believe it's intentional. Because if it was a choice and they knew all along the hurt they were causing, what would that say about us? What stories and beliefs about ourselves would that uncover? And could we lift that dam of resistance, with safety to feel everything underneath: the rage shame, grief, etc... about the reality of not just our current unworkable relationship but everything else that we tried to create to get a sense of self-worth that grenaded in our face, making us feel so unlovable and desperate for that love so much that this is what we were conditioned to tolerate? Can we be brave enough to connect to that little girl inside and say, "He chose to hurt you, over and over again. And now, I choose to protect and love you the way you deserve."
Exactly! We all need to take responsibility for ourselves and our behavior, even when that includes mental illness. My ex tried to blame his childhood and his depression, but it was like pulling teeth to get him in treatment, because he didn't actually care about getting better. I've been severely mentally ill for the majority of my life, so he knew that he could exploit my empathy to get away with shitty behavior. "It's how I was raised, I can't help it" well you're aware of it which means you can take action.
Exactly Lacey, thank you for sharing part of your experience. My ex's alcoholism and depression was always met with, "This is just who I am - I just want someone to love me for who I am". So I said, "Deal, go find someone who doesn't need honesty, trust, humility accountability and emotional availability or safety". I realized we were highly incompatible when his deception, manipulation and utter abuse was always justified and what he really was looking for was a woman without any standards that he wouldn't have to heal or grow with because he never had that intention - because from his perspective, "I don't have any issues, I'm not the problem" Um, 🤔 okay. The last thing he heard was my silence as someone who realized nothing would enter that mindset of entitlement. And yet, I'm still struggling to break free from the trauma bond, given all that awareness. Healing and integration takes patience, and a lot of love.
Patience, love, and time ❤️ I left 3 years ago and I'm still doing the work daily. I wasted so much time and energy trying to "help" him get better when he didn't want to. He had the audacity to ask me to give him another chance. I said "no, I gave you 15 years." I bet he still thinks the divorce came out of nowhere.
Thank you for your words. They are very encouraging, I'm fresh out of my last one 3 weeks today and it's a constant zigzag of rage, grief shame and everything in between in the most unexpected and inconvenient of moments. 💖 But well worth the effort 🦋
Oh wow, that is fresh. I remember how much of a rollercoaster those early days felt like. It was such a messy, confusing time. But, like you said, well worth it ❤️
Lacey, thanks for sharing your story. I realise it's ongoing, taking in completion of breaking free and continuing healing. But one thing: you didn't waste your time and energy. You showed you are a loving, caring individual, and your worth as a compassionate human being never depended or depends on him meeting you halfway (at least) and making some effort himself. He failed miserably. You remain a compassionate, caring individual.
At a different level, your time and energy also provided a unique insight into abusive behaviours. I wouldn't go so far as to say anything as crass as, "It was worth it," because his abuse should never have blighted your life - and you never deserved it! But, existentially, it's given you that understanding, as terrifying as it was. And yet again, you remain compassionate and caring 🫂
There’s so much pressure as children to forgive abusive parents. “Move on! Let it go! They were doing the best they could! You walk a day in their shoes - you would’ve done the same!”
And it’s tied up with new age spiritual ideas and enlightened sounding theories like, “well, if you *just knew* what this person has been through, the life circumstances they had, you wouldn’t judge them so harshly. You would see that you, too, would act as they had acted if you were in that circumstance.”
It implies the abuser had NO CHOICE but to act in a certain way based on the sum total of their life experiences, that agency doesn’t really exist, therefore that compassion and non-judgment are the only possible responses. And it implies that thinking that anything could’ve been different subtly positions the child as “morally superior” to the adult, and that’s a slippery slope to “othering”.
To all that I say: whatever.
Here’s a better epithet: “Yes, if I were in your shoes and had lived the exact life up to that point that you had, I WOULD HAVE DONE BETTER.”
In fact, as the article points out, abusers DO *choose* to do better - when there’s an audience, when there’s someone they want to impress. Hell, even in households where one sibling gets beaten but the other doesn’t shows that the adult *can* exercise self-control - when it’s their favourite child.
Believe me when I say too many Christian churches were there on the forgiveness narrative first. I heard it way, way too much growing up for acts that were unjust and hurt me to my soul.
Agree. The church sent a message to me that "everything happens for a reason". And to see it as my "cross to carry" as some badge of honor for being given a difficult life which only is given to "strong souls" which for me as a child and adult felt very disinvalidating... and that I "needed" to forgive in order to heal. Forgiveness is a by product of insight but to force someone NOT to be angry or feel violated when they in fact were, is to shame a child's anger which is a protective mechanism and needs to be honored and acknowledged in the process.
Otherwise, we internalize that shame and suppress our anger only to realize it had every right to exist. (I am not condoning the expression of uncontrolled anger which hurts others. But I do see the value and need in recognizing our anger and everything hidden underneath (grief, shame, etc...) so that we can integrate a part of our being that was not allowed acceptance in order to regain sovereignty from experiences that created a perceived sense of powerlessness. We empower ourselves by learning to accept the shadow parts within ourselves with love knowing we disconnected to survive - not with intention to create pain for ourselves and others in the process.
Yep. The Church has very little understanding of forgiveness. It's fuckn criminal and needs to change. Forgiveness is not a silver bullet - it's a long, hard, sometimes bloody journey. You have to be ready - and NO ONE has the right to tell you a victim to forgive an abuser until the victim is ready. Yes, they may never be ready ...
Atonement always struck me as more worthwhile, another road that never really ends. At its core, you're owning what you did even as you're doing best to make up for it.
Here’s the thing - he raged ONLY at me, ONLY in private. He CHOSE not to rage at his coworkers, his supervisors, his parents, his siblings, his very few friends, our daughter. ONLY ME. That’s how I knew it was a choice. There was no amount of tears I shed, no quantity of pain I quietly but firmly expressed, that stopped his rages. Nothing stopped his rages. I am divorced now and no longer speak with my daughter’s father. It’s been nearly 3 years. I am free. Way damaged in my heart, mind, soul, but free nonetheless. So grateful to be free of his sewage mouth and dagger eyes.
Yep, ditto to being the sole rage target of this “nice guy.” For decades, I allowed some plausible deniability hoping he’d figure it out and finally act like the guy I wanted to marry. Nope, trying to destroy me is his drug of choice. The victimhood perpetuates the cycle.
You can be the victim of abuse and also abuse. A victim turned criminal is still a criminal. Never should the two be confused!
I don’t doubt Maxwell was both mentally and physically abused by her father, possibly sexually too. However, Maxwell was a conning, manipulative perpetrator of child sex abuse and child sex trafficking
Understanding a damaged abuser never absolves the abuser’s responsibility for their behavior. It offers a plausible explanation for the behavior that circumvents the need to construct “evil monsters” or metaphysical reasons for their abusive behavior. We can acknowledge the profound influence of personal history and suffering on behavior, and we can demand accountability and consequences for harmful actions.
I found this hit the nail on the head ❤️ living in the hell of being abused A. you feel its your fault you caused this B. You feel you have to show them how to love C. You are trapped and no one understands. Out of the abuse I have learned A. It wasn't my fault, they have issues beyond your control B. Im worth being loved C. There is a whole world out there that has been there and they get it.
I left about a month ago and am seeing clearer. An abuser is a master liar and manipulator. Living with that, I just struggled to see how he repeated chose to abuse me (Not that it’s stopped, just slowed down. What an irresponsible, emotional coward.)
Thank you for this. I read Lundy's book, and when this idea came up, it blew my mind. Men in an "uncontrollable rage" can suddenly be sweet and calm when the cops show up.
Abusers study their victims like scientists, testing out new strategies. That takes planning and memory. Another way to tell if abuse if from trauma is to see whether scapegoating is involved. If an abuser is able to focus their abuse on one individual, then they have the ability to control it.
I needed to hear this. My now-dead junkie bio-father made my family's life hell for too many years with his abuse. My mom, gods love her, is still trying to explain it away. But I know...know it was a choice he made again and again.
The point about switching it off reminds me of one incident with him. I was being dragged into the laundry room for a punishment. A screen door on it faced the street. Just before he spanked me, a car slowed up outside, apparently a neighbor. He stopped what he was doing, smiled and waved at them...then went right back what he was doing the moment they were out of sight. It told me what kind of self-control he could have.
Thank you for this. The other day I had a bit of a frustrating conversation with someone who kept asserting that abuse comes from generational trauma and it's not intentional. Sorry but when a grown adult puts his hands on someone, and that someone says "that hurts, please stop" and he doesn't stop, that is a choice. Especially when it's not coming from a place of anger, like getting so upset that he lost control. No, he did it because he thought it was funny, and he denied that it was actually painful, no matter what I said. He was in control. He made his choices. I can't excuse that as generational trauma.
And the standard disclaimer: Why don't ALL traumatised people behave like that?? I have survivor expertise in this. I'm damaged from childhood maternal abuse extending into adulthood. I was abused in the Church (not sexual, but still abuse).
I do not and have never replicated any of the behaviours to which I was subjected. In fact, awareness of the deeply hurtful effect of those abuse experiences left me with the conviction that such behaviours are hurtful, horrifying and, above all, NEVER TO BE ENACTED ON ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. End of.
Evil is a choice, never a destiny.
Thank you.
Yet they somehow manage to blame and lock up the women who fight against their abusive partners and kill them in self defense, don’t they?
Check out a book by David Buss called The Murderer Next Door. He uses a lot of data to support the idea that when people kill their abusers, it's self-defense, even if the abuse isn't "at the moment."
This is an incredible and extremely important post. Thank you, from a domestic violence survivor 🤍
I carried this same narrative most my life, believing it was true given I also acted out of character when I was in survival mode and hurt people. But it's a choice and I made the choice to take responsibility for my healing and the impact my unhealed trauma was causing on others. I make that choice everyday. But sometimes it's easier to believe they don't realize the harm because they are so hurt, traumatized, unaware etc... than to believe it's intentional. Because if it was a choice and they knew all along the hurt they were causing, what would that say about us? What stories and beliefs about ourselves would that uncover? And could we lift that dam of resistance, with safety to feel everything underneath: the rage shame, grief, etc... about the reality of not just our current unworkable relationship but everything else that we tried to create to get a sense of self-worth that grenaded in our face, making us feel so unlovable and desperate for that love so much that this is what we were conditioned to tolerate? Can we be brave enough to connect to that little girl inside and say, "He chose to hurt you, over and over again. And now, I choose to protect and love you the way you deserve."
Exactly! We all need to take responsibility for ourselves and our behavior, even when that includes mental illness. My ex tried to blame his childhood and his depression, but it was like pulling teeth to get him in treatment, because he didn't actually care about getting better. I've been severely mentally ill for the majority of my life, so he knew that he could exploit my empathy to get away with shitty behavior. "It's how I was raised, I can't help it" well you're aware of it which means you can take action.
Exactly Lacey, thank you for sharing part of your experience. My ex's alcoholism and depression was always met with, "This is just who I am - I just want someone to love me for who I am". So I said, "Deal, go find someone who doesn't need honesty, trust, humility accountability and emotional availability or safety". I realized we were highly incompatible when his deception, manipulation and utter abuse was always justified and what he really was looking for was a woman without any standards that he wouldn't have to heal or grow with because he never had that intention - because from his perspective, "I don't have any issues, I'm not the problem" Um, 🤔 okay. The last thing he heard was my silence as someone who realized nothing would enter that mindset of entitlement. And yet, I'm still struggling to break free from the trauma bond, given all that awareness. Healing and integration takes patience, and a lot of love.
Patience, love, and time ❤️ I left 3 years ago and I'm still doing the work daily. I wasted so much time and energy trying to "help" him get better when he didn't want to. He had the audacity to ask me to give him another chance. I said "no, I gave you 15 years." I bet he still thinks the divorce came out of nowhere.
Thank you for your words. They are very encouraging, I'm fresh out of my last one 3 weeks today and it's a constant zigzag of rage, grief shame and everything in between in the most unexpected and inconvenient of moments. 💖 But well worth the effort 🦋
Oh wow, that is fresh. I remember how much of a rollercoaster those early days felt like. It was such a messy, confusing time. But, like you said, well worth it ❤️
Lacey, thanks for sharing your story. I realise it's ongoing, taking in completion of breaking free and continuing healing. But one thing: you didn't waste your time and energy. You showed you are a loving, caring individual, and your worth as a compassionate human being never depended or depends on him meeting you halfway (at least) and making some effort himself. He failed miserably. You remain a compassionate, caring individual.
At a different level, your time and energy also provided a unique insight into abusive behaviours. I wouldn't go so far as to say anything as crass as, "It was worth it," because his abuse should never have blighted your life - and you never deserved it! But, existentially, it's given you that understanding, as terrifying as it was. And yet again, you remain compassionate and caring 🫂
Thank you for that. I learned a LOT from that relationship, at the very least.
There’s so much pressure as children to forgive abusive parents. “Move on! Let it go! They were doing the best they could! You walk a day in their shoes - you would’ve done the same!”
And it’s tied up with new age spiritual ideas and enlightened sounding theories like, “well, if you *just knew* what this person has been through, the life circumstances they had, you wouldn’t judge them so harshly. You would see that you, too, would act as they had acted if you were in that circumstance.”
It implies the abuser had NO CHOICE but to act in a certain way based on the sum total of their life experiences, that agency doesn’t really exist, therefore that compassion and non-judgment are the only possible responses. And it implies that thinking that anything could’ve been different subtly positions the child as “morally superior” to the adult, and that’s a slippery slope to “othering”.
To all that I say: whatever.
Here’s a better epithet: “Yes, if I were in your shoes and had lived the exact life up to that point that you had, I WOULD HAVE DONE BETTER.”
In fact, as the article points out, abusers DO *choose* to do better - when there’s an audience, when there’s someone they want to impress. Hell, even in households where one sibling gets beaten but the other doesn’t shows that the adult *can* exercise self-control - when it’s their favourite child.
Believe me when I say too many Christian churches were there on the forgiveness narrative first. I heard it way, way too much growing up for acts that were unjust and hurt me to my soul.
Agree. The church sent a message to me that "everything happens for a reason". And to see it as my "cross to carry" as some badge of honor for being given a difficult life which only is given to "strong souls" which for me as a child and adult felt very disinvalidating... and that I "needed" to forgive in order to heal. Forgiveness is a by product of insight but to force someone NOT to be angry or feel violated when they in fact were, is to shame a child's anger which is a protective mechanism and needs to be honored and acknowledged in the process.
Otherwise, we internalize that shame and suppress our anger only to realize it had every right to exist. (I am not condoning the expression of uncontrolled anger which hurts others. But I do see the value and need in recognizing our anger and everything hidden underneath (grief, shame, etc...) so that we can integrate a part of our being that was not allowed acceptance in order to regain sovereignty from experiences that created a perceived sense of powerlessness. We empower ourselves by learning to accept the shadow parts within ourselves with love knowing we disconnected to survive - not with intention to create pain for ourselves and others in the process.
Yep. The Church has very little understanding of forgiveness. It's fuckn criminal and needs to change. Forgiveness is not a silver bullet - it's a long, hard, sometimes bloody journey. You have to be ready - and NO ONE has the right to tell you a victim to forgive an abuser until the victim is ready. Yes, they may never be ready ...
Atonement always struck me as more worthwhile, another road that never really ends. At its core, you're owning what you did even as you're doing best to make up for it.
Here’s the thing - he raged ONLY at me, ONLY in private. He CHOSE not to rage at his coworkers, his supervisors, his parents, his siblings, his very few friends, our daughter. ONLY ME. That’s how I knew it was a choice. There was no amount of tears I shed, no quantity of pain I quietly but firmly expressed, that stopped his rages. Nothing stopped his rages. I am divorced now and no longer speak with my daughter’s father. It’s been nearly 3 years. I am free. Way damaged in my heart, mind, soul, but free nonetheless. So grateful to be free of his sewage mouth and dagger eyes.
Yep, ditto to being the sole rage target of this “nice guy.” For decades, I allowed some plausible deniability hoping he’d figure it out and finally act like the guy I wanted to marry. Nope, trying to destroy me is his drug of choice. The victimhood perpetuates the cycle.
🫂
What is that symbol?
A hug
That’s so kind and sweet. Thank you! 💕
Sometimes a gentle hug can say more than words.
You can be the victim of abuse and also abuse. A victim turned criminal is still a criminal. Never should the two be confused!
I don’t doubt Maxwell was both mentally and physically abused by her father, possibly sexually too. However, Maxwell was a conning, manipulative perpetrator of child sex abuse and child sex trafficking
Understanding a damaged abuser never absolves the abuser’s responsibility for their behavior. It offers a plausible explanation for the behavior that circumvents the need to construct “evil monsters” or metaphysical reasons for their abusive behavior. We can acknowledge the profound influence of personal history and suffering on behavior, and we can demand accountability and consequences for harmful actions.
I found this hit the nail on the head ❤️ living in the hell of being abused A. you feel its your fault you caused this B. You feel you have to show them how to love C. You are trapped and no one understands. Out of the abuse I have learned A. It wasn't my fault, they have issues beyond your control B. Im worth being loved C. There is a whole world out there that has been there and they get it.
I left about a month ago and am seeing clearer. An abuser is a master liar and manipulator. Living with that, I just struggled to see how he repeated chose to abuse me (Not that it’s stopped, just slowed down. What an irresponsible, emotional coward.)
Thank you for this. I read Lundy's book, and when this idea came up, it blew my mind. Men in an "uncontrollable rage" can suddenly be sweet and calm when the cops show up.
Abusers study their victims like scientists, testing out new strategies. That takes planning and memory. Another way to tell if abuse if from trauma is to see whether scapegoating is involved. If an abuser is able to focus their abuse on one individual, then they have the ability to control it.
I needed to hear this. My now-dead junkie bio-father made my family's life hell for too many years with his abuse. My mom, gods love her, is still trying to explain it away. But I know...know it was a choice he made again and again.
The point about switching it off reminds me of one incident with him. I was being dragged into the laundry room for a punishment. A screen door on it faced the street. Just before he spanked me, a car slowed up outside, apparently a neighbor. He stopped what he was doing, smiled and waved at them...then went right back what he was doing the moment they were out of sight. It told me what kind of self-control he could have.
I needed this. Thank you. 🙏 💛
Such an important post. Thank you!
This article is outstanding!!
Thank you. Really.
So true, so true, so true.