The Myth of the Damaged Abuser: Why Trauma Doesn’t Cause Abuse

We’ve all heard it: “Hurt people hurt people.” It’s a phrase that circulates in conversations about trauma, healing, and relationships. And while there’s truth in the idea that unhealed wounds can affect our behaviour, it’s also a phrase that’s been dangerously misused — especially when applied to domestic abuse.

Many survivors are told that their abusive partner is “just damaged,” “can’t help it,” or is “acting out their trauma.” Friends, therapists, or even the abuser themselves may say: They didn’t mean to hurt you — they’re just hurting too. But what if that explanation misses the mark entirely?

Domestic violence experts and decades of research paint a very different picture. Abuse is not a symptom of emotional chaos. It is a choice. It is not about uncontrolled feelings. It’s about intentional control.

Trauma Doesn’t Cause Abuse

One of the most persistent myths is that abuse stems directly from unresolved trauma, especially childhood abuse or witnessing domestic violence in the home. And yes, experiencing violence in childhood can increase someone’s risk — but it does not cause abuse.

Most people who were hurt as children do not grow up to hurt others. And many abusers report having no history of abuse in their past at all. Being hurt is never an excuse to harm.

The same goes for mental illness. While a proportion of abusers have personality disorders, particularly narcissistic or anti-social personality disorder, many do not meet criteria for any diagnosable condition. And even those who do are still responsible for their actions. Mental illness may coexist with abuse, but it does not cause it.

Donald Dutton’s research with abusive individuals highlights that some may struggle with abandonment fears, shame-based identity, or poor emotional regulation rooted in childhood. These factors may shape how they relate to others — but they do not remove agency. Most still choose when, where, and how to act abusive, and know how to regulate themselves around authority figures. The issue is not inability, but unwillingness.

Some abusers may claim they have PTSD or a history of childhood abuse — and while those experiences may be real, they are often used to gain sympathy or avoid responsibility. As author Lundy Bancroft warns: “If their story is being used to justify mistreating you, it’s a distortion.”

Abusers frequently manipulate the narrative by exaggerating trauma, painting themselves as victims of cheating exes or past betrayals, in order to justify cruelty or deflect criticism. Survivors and professionals must ask a simple but essential question: Are they using their story to heal — or as an excuse to harm?

The Problem With the “Damaged Abuser” Narrative

It’s tempting to believe that someone lashes out because they’re broken inside — especially if they tell a story of a painful childhood, betrayal, or mental health struggles. Survivors often feel torn between fear and compassion, thinking, If I just love them more, maybe they’ll heal and stop hurting me.

But the truth is, this narrative does more harm than good. It lets abusers off the hook. It shifts the focus away from the harm they cause and onto the pain they claim to carry. It allows abuse to be framed as an accident, rather than a deliberate behaviour.

Professionals who work directly with perpetrators, like author and counsellor Lundy Bancroft, consistently observe that most abusers are psychologically “normal.” They are not out of control. They are not overwhelmed by pain. They are not unaware of what they’re doing. They are operating from a belief system — one that says, I am allowed to control you. I am allowed to punish you. Your feelings, needs, and autonomy don’t matter as much as mine.

Even where psychological traits such as emotional dysregulation or attachment wounds are present — as highlighted in Donald Dutton’s research with batterers — they do not excuse abuse. These factors may help us understand some of the emotional vulnerabilities that can be present in abusers, but they do not determine whether someone chooses to abuse their partner.

Abuse as a Pattern — Not an Explosion

A big misconceptions about abuse is that it’s all about rage — a sudden outburst, a snap. But domestic abuse is rarely just a single act of violence. More often, it’s a pattern of coercive control that unfolds over time and infiltrates every corner of daily life.

Sociologist Evan Stark’s concept of coercive control helps explain this. It’s the slow, suffocating erosion of a person’s freedom, autonomy, and safety. It includes isolating you from friends and family. Controlling how you spend money. Monitoring your texts. Criticizing your parenting. Gaslighting your memories. Withholding affection, threatening consequences, or constantly oscillating between kindness and cruelty.

This pattern is not accidental. It is designed. Abusers know what they’re doing. They create an environment where the victim feels disoriented, dependent, and afraid — even without a single bruise being visible.

The Abuser’s Control Is Strategic

One of the clearest signs that abuse is intentional is the way abusers can switch it off.

Many survivors describe moments where their partner goes from raging and terrifying — to instantly calm and collected the moment someone else enters the room. They might scream and break things at home, then be friendly and composed at work. They’ll cry about their trauma one day, then mock you for being “too sensitive” the next.

An abuser in a rage might destroy property — but somehow only your things get broken, not their own belongings. They know what they’re doing. They know what it will cost. And they know when to stop. This kind of selective behaviour is not a loss of control. It’s evidence of full control.

Learned Beliefs, Not Broken Minds

Controlling behaviour doesn’t come naturally — it’s not something a person is born with, but something they learn over time.

Many abusers grow up absorbing messages from family, media, religion, or culture that reinforce control, dominance, and entitlement — especially within traditional gender roles. For example, boys may be raised to believe that they must be “strong,” that expressing emotion is weakness, or that being the “man of the house” means being in charge. They may learn that aggression earns respect, while vulnerability invites shame.

Some of the beliefs that fuel abuse sound like:

• “If they disrespect you, you need to put them back in their place.”

• “It’s my job to make sure they don’t mess things up.”

• “They need to be taught a lesson.”

• “I’m just keeping them in check.”

These attitudes don’t develop in a vacuum. They’re passed down, reinforced, normalised — not just by families, but by the broader culture that often excuses or even glorifies control, jealousy, and dominance in relationships.

But learning something isn’t the same as being forced to act on it. Many people grow up with harmful role models and still choose compassion, respect, and emotional responsibility. Abusers choose not to.

Why This Matters

When we buy into the myth of the “damaged abuser,” we risk excusing behaviour that should never be excused. We risk putting the focus on the abuser’s pain instead of the victim’s safety. And we risk reinforcing a cycle where survivors keep hoping, forgiving, and waiting for a healing that may never come.

If you are a survivor of domestic abuse, it is important that you know that you didn’t cause the abuse, you couldn’t have prevented it, and it didn’t happen because your abuser was too broken to know better. It happened because they believed they had the right to hurt you — and they made the choice to do it.

Letting go of the “hurt people hurt people” myth doesn’t make you cold or unloving. It makes you clear-eyed. It allows you to place the responsibility where it belongs — not on the trauma, not on the stress, not on yourself — but on the person who chose to harm.

References

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.

Dutton, D. G. (2006). The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships. Guilford Press.