Domestic abuse often involves the deliberate and cruel strategy of isolation, where perpetrators cut their partners off from friends, family, and support systems.
I am struggling to come to terms with just how profoundly abusive the circumstances of my life have been. Both actively and deliberately, and then as outfall of those acts.
The biggest one being isolation. When one has no family because the family is toxic, and have targeted you for scapegoating, it's worse than not having family. It's knowing that the family you can't associate yourself with is continuing to harm you, with the scapegoating narrative.
This basically says that all of your suffering is your fault. So you are left, holding all the bags, and end up paying the price for everything. Because while other people enjoy health and setting themselves up for success in their adult lives, you have nothing. Nobody. So you learn to rely on yourself. And while that may gain you some confidence in Learning a skill set, it's still the skill set of learning how to survive and very harsh dysfunctional circumstances. And because the narrative is everything is your fault, you pretty much learn to believe that about yourself. All of this is a stress upon stress upon stress sandwich, and of course, nobody can be the best person and for sure the best parent in those circumstances. So when there is Discord with your own children, you have guilt upon shame upon guilt that's ready-made within you to come out and clobber yourself with. And should any word of any discord with your own children get back to your family of origin?
Well, you don't have to be a fly on the wall to know that they would be jumping for joy and high-fiving each other with the narrative of, "see? We always knew that this was the terrible horrible, no good very bad person that we all agree they are!"
One of my two children, as a young adult, began to struggle with mental health. And I now recognize that much of what came in our own relationship, revolved around her, picking up the narratives. Super hard to wrap my head around that one.
Strangely enough, and I'm sure I can't be the only one from such circumstances, I never consider myself a victim. But my young adult child surely did, or so I thought. Now, I wonder if it wasn't a function of her exploiting the guilt and shame that were part of my personal framework.
There are many layers of isolation. I have also had the thought that my young adult child, whom I raised completely on my own, knew that she had nobody else, but me to depend on and perhaps felt insecure when I did upon occasion venture out to interact with others. This was pretty much quickly shut down by her becoming very needy. Towards the end of our relationship, she became more blatant. Comments via text with naked hostility and sarcasm.
A few months back just before she turned 25, she exited the home that I had provided for her. She did so in a way that included malicious acts meant to shut the door, hard, on her way out.
And so now, she is isolating herself. And I am once again isolated.
What I am focusing on now is becoming less isolated from myself. This only being possible by being a part of this Substack community and subscribing to those who produce content that is so instrumental in my being able to reflect and learn and grow.
I am struggling to come to terms with just how profoundly abusive the circumstances of my life have been. Both actively and deliberately, and then as outfall of those acts.
The biggest one being isolation. When one has no family because the family is toxic, and have targeted you for scapegoating, it's worse than not having family. It's knowing that the family you can't associate yourself with is continuing to harm you, with the scapegoating narrative.
This basically says that all of your suffering is your fault. So you are left, holding all the bags, and end up paying the price for everything. Because while other people enjoy health and setting themselves up for success in their adult lives, you have nothing. Nobody. So you learn to rely on yourself. And while that may gain you some confidence in Learning a skill set, it's still the skill set of learning how to survive and very harsh dysfunctional circumstances. And because the narrative is everything is your fault, you pretty much learn to believe that about yourself. All of this is a stress upon stress upon stress sandwich, and of course, nobody can be the best person and for sure the best parent in those circumstances. So when there is Discord with your own children, you have guilt upon shame upon guilt that's ready-made within you to come out and clobber yourself with. And should any word of any discord with your own children get back to your family of origin?
Well, you don't have to be a fly on the wall to know that they would be jumping for joy and high-fiving each other with the narrative of, "see? We always knew that this was the terrible horrible, no good very bad person that we all agree they are!"
One of my two children, as a young adult, began to struggle with mental health. And I now recognize that much of what came in our own relationship, revolved around her, picking up the narratives. Super hard to wrap my head around that one.
Strangely enough, and I'm sure I can't be the only one from such circumstances, I never consider myself a victim. But my young adult child surely did, or so I thought. Now, I wonder if it wasn't a function of her exploiting the guilt and shame that were part of my personal framework.
There are many layers of isolation. I have also had the thought that my young adult child, whom I raised completely on my own, knew that she had nobody else, but me to depend on and perhaps felt insecure when I did upon occasion venture out to interact with others. This was pretty much quickly shut down by her becoming very needy. Towards the end of our relationship, she became more blatant. Comments via text with naked hostility and sarcasm.
A few months back just before she turned 25, she exited the home that I had provided for her. She did so in a way that included malicious acts meant to shut the door, hard, on her way out.
And so now, she is isolating herself. And I am once again isolated.
What I am focusing on now is becoming less isolated from myself. This only being possible by being a part of this Substack community and subscribing to those who produce content that is so instrumental in my being able to reflect and learn and grow.
Thank you.
My mother did all of those and more.