Isolation Tactics Abusers Use to Exert Control

Domestic abuse often involves the deliberate and cruel strategy of isolation, where perpetrators cut their partners off from friends, family, and support systems. Here, survivors of coercive control share their stories, revealing common isolation tactics they’ve experienced.

1. Creating Social Embarrassment

A common isolation tactic is to deliberately humiliate the victim in front of their family and friends, making social situations so unbearable that they withdraw to avoid further shame. For example, one survivor shared: "If I went to see family, he would come and act like a jerk so I wouldn’t want to go back. If I went for coffee with friends, he’d turn up unannounced and just sit there, not talking. I stopped doing both things out of embarrassment."

Another shared, "He would sit on the couch in his underwear and refuse to put trousers on. They stopped coming over pretty quickly!”

Abusers exploit their victim's discomfort, knowing they'll eventually opt out of gatherings to dodge the humiliation.

2. Removing Means of Contact

Abusers often create logistic barriers for their partners by restricting transport, finances, or means of communication, making it impossible to maintain relationships. One survivor explained: "He ran my car into the ground and refused to repair it while he had his own car. I couldn’t go anywhere without him. I had to ask him for everything."

Another shared, "He would take away the internet so I couldn't even contact my family and friends back home."

A third survivor highlighted their experience with financial control: "He controlled all the finances. If I wanted to visit someone, he would tell me there was no money for gas or travel, even though he had plenty for himself."

These tactics leave victims physically and financially dependent, cutting them off from the connections that could offer support or a way to leave.

3. Destroying Confidence Through Gaslighting

Abusers chip away at their victim's self-esteem, convincing them they are unworthy of love and support. "He insisted that none of my friends really liked me, that my other relationships weren't real, and that they would judge my flaws even more than him and reject me, so it was better to just stay away," shared one survivor.

Another survivor explained how their abusive partner manipulated their perception of others: "He would tell me that all these people hated or disliked me, or that they were bad people and 'don't talk to them because they're bad news' .... so that I would not reach out to anyone for help or to tell them what he was doing to me."

Gaslighting instills doubt and mistrust, leaving victims to question their worth and the sincerity of their support systems.

4. Overloading with Responsibilities

Keeping victims too busy to socialize is another isolation strategy. By overwhelming them with tasks, abusers ensure that their partners don’t have time or energy for friends or family. "He made me work all the time," shared one survivor. "I was so busy that I had no time for family gatherings."

Another added, "As a stay-at-home mom, I was responsible for everything in the house. If I left to see friends and something wasn’t done—like the dishes or laundry—he’d get upset. With little kids and a dog, it was impossible to keep the house perfect, so I just stopped going out altogether."

The constant demands and subsequent guilt prevent victims from nurturing external relationships.

5. Framing Possessiveness as Concern

Abusers often cloak their isolating behaviors as signs of devotion, making it harder for victims to recognize the manipulation. At first, constant check-ins on the victim's whereabouts may seem like innocent expressions of care.

As one survivor shared, "He always wanted to know where I was and who I was with. Initially, it wasn't a problem, but it grew over time as the relationship progressed. I faced the choice between my partner or my friends." Another survivor added, "Every time I'd go somewhere, he'd accuse me of being sneaky or plotting something against him, so he'd go everywhere with me."

The gradual escalation of control leaves victims feeling trapped and unable to make independent decisions.

6. Sabotaging Relationships

Abusers may create tension between their partners and loved ones by starting arguments or spreading lies. One survivor recounted: "He would cause trouble, gaslight, and disrespect my family to their faces so they didn’t want to be around me when he was there. Over time, I withdrew from everyone who cared about me."

Another added, “Every time we weren't invited to something my partner told me it's because my sisters didn't like me, and they were jealous of me and us and what we had.”

Abusers often target close friendships, recognizing them as a threat to their control. As one woman explained, "He told me my best friend was untrustworthy and would ruin our relationship. She was the only one who might have suspected the abuse, so I stopped talking to her. I regret it to this day."

Another person shared, “When my old friends came to visit me from out of town, he told me he didn’t like them being there because, according to him, they were using me and taking advantage of me. He even invented stories about them saying mean things and making fun of me when I was out of the room, so I’d doubt my trust in them and be less likely to invite them to visit again.”

This alienation leaves victims without a support system, making it harder for them to leave the relationship.

7. Threatening Loved Ones

In extreme cases, abusers resort to outright threats against the victim's inner circle. "He threatened to kill my family," disclosed one survivor. Another shared, "He was keeping a loaded gun in his nightstand and saying he would shoot them. He isolated me for three years. My dad didn't even get to meet my daughter when she was born."

These chilling threats serve as a powerful deterrent, forcing victims to sever ties out of fear for their loved ones’ safety. The mere insinuation of violence is often enough to secure compliance.

8. Forcing Relocation

Abusers may convince their partners to move far away from their support systems, isolating them from the people and places that could offer support. "He told me I’d be happier if we moved to his country. Once there, I couldn’t work legally and had no friends. I was completely isolated," shared one survivor.

Another survivor explained how relocation was used to disrupt their newfound happiness: "When I found friends and a support system in an area, he told me that it was time to move because he didn’t want me too comfortable. Within a month of me saying, ‘I’m finally happy and have found a community,’ I was forced to leave it behind."

For some, relocation resulted in even tighter control. "I moved to his country, leaving behind my family, friends, and job. Once I was living there, I was only allowed freedom for an hour or two each day, and all interactions had to take place with him present," recalled another survivor.

Relocation is a powerful tool for abusers, as it physically and emotionally distances victims from those who could help

9. Making Socializing Unpleasant

Abusers may make socializing so unpleasant that victims eventually stop trying. "Every time I’d plan a trip or visit family, he’d make life miserable before, during, and after. Eventually, I stopped agreeing to outings just to avoid the stress," one woman shared.

Another survivor described: "If I wanted to meet up with friends, he’d either start an argument right before I left or guilt me into staying home. Even when I did go, he’d bombard me with texts and calls, accusing me of neglecting him. Eventually, it just wasn’t worth the hassle."

By associating social events with conflict and punishment, abusers condition their partners to self-isolate, depriving them of meaningful connections.

10. Escalating Abuse as Punishment

If victims resist isolation attempts, abusers often lash out with intensified mistreatment. "He would angrily stare at me if I had a conversation with someone at church, and if I ignored him, he would take his anger out on me for weeks," revealed one survivor.

Another shared, "I came home one evening after attending a board meeting. He was waiting and enraged at how late the meeting went, proceeded to scream and smash a box against the family room wall. I skipped the next meeting."

Long-Term Impacts of Abusive Isolation Tactics

The scars of isolation can persist long after the abusive relationship ends. Many survivors find themselves grappling with a profound sense of loneliness and disconnection. As one survivor put it, "I withdrew from almost everyone who cared about me. I didn't want them to see what I was hiding."

Another shared the stark reality of life post-abuse: "I don't speak to anyone, so my assumption is that no one had to isolate me. I have to navigate life alone now. People have kids, a spouse, etc. I wasn't able to have kids, and relationships seem extremely difficult for me, as if they aren't real or are set up."

The Path to Recovery

Isolation is a powerful tool of control, but survivors often find strength in reclaiming their independence. Many reconnect with loved ones after leaving the relationship, rebuilding the support systems they were denied.

One survivor shared a hopeful note: "I reconnected with my family. They told me how much they missed me and my child during those years. Now, I’m surrounded by people who love and cherish us."

Another survivor reflected on the joy of rebuilding her social life: "I see all my family now and my friends, and I have mom’s nights to relax and have fun. What a change of life."

For others, the journey to reunification is ongoing. "After he died, I reunited with my family, and so many of them said how those years were so sad and depressing and they missed me and my child. Hopefully soon I'll have enough money to go back home, and my daughter can finally meet my entire family," shared one survivor.

Rebuilding takes time, but as survivors find their voices and share their stories, they inspire others to seek help and escape the cycle of abuse. With the support of loved ones and a renewed sense of community, healing and happiness become possible once again.

Featured Image: Isolation tactics are common in abusive relationships. Source: djoronimo / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.