10 Tactics Abusers Use to Isolate You

If you have experienced domestic abuse, isolation may have been one of the most painful and confusing parts of it. Many abusers deliberately cut you off from friends, family, and support, not by accident, but as a way to increase their control over your life. Below, survivors of coercive control share their experiences of how isolation was used against them. You may recognise some of these patterns in your own story.

1. Creating Social Embarrassment

A common way abusers isolate you is by deliberately making social situations unbearable. They humiliate you in front of others, knowing that shame will eventually do the work for them.

As one woman described: “If I went to see family, he would come and act like a jerk so I wouldn’t want to go back. If I went for coffee with friends, he’d turn up unannounced and just sit there, not talking. I stopped doing both things out of embarrassment.”

Someone else recalled how her partner drove people away entirely: “He would sit on the couch in his underwear and refuse to put trousers on. They stopped coming over pretty quickly!”

When this happens, your withdrawal is not a choice. It is a response to repeated humiliation and discomfort.

2. Removing Ways of Contacting Others

Isolation is often reinforced through practical barriers. Transport, money, phones, and internet access may all be restricted, making it harder to stay connected to anyone outside the relationship.

One survivor spoke about losing her independence completely: “He ran my car into the ground and refused to repair it while he had his own car. I couldn’t go anywhere without him. I had to ask him for everything.”

For others, communication itself was cut off: “He would take away the internet so I couldn’t even contact my family and friends back home.”

Another described how finances were used to control movement: “He controlled all the finances. If I wanted to visit someone, he would tell me there was no money for gas or travel, even though he had plenty for himself.”

When access to movement, money, and communication is removed, isolation becomes unavoidable.

3. Destroying Confidence Through Gaslighting

Abusers also isolate you psychologically by undermining your confidence in other relationships. They plant doubt, suggesting that no one else truly cares or can be trusted.

One woman was repeatedly told: “He insisted that none of my friends really liked me, that my other relationships weren’t real, and that they would judge my flaws even more than him and reject me, so it was better to just stay away.”

Another described how her partner rewrote reality around her: “He would tell me that all these people hated or disliked me, or that they were bad people and ‘don’t talk to them because they’re bad news’ .... so that I would not reach out to anyone for help or to tell them what he was doing to me.”

When this happens, the doubt you feel is not intuition. It is something that was carefully created.

4. Overloading You with Responsibilities

Keeping you exhausted is another effective way to isolate you. By overwhelming you with responsibilities, abusers leave no space for rest, connection, or a life outside the relationship.

As one survivor put it: “He made me work all the time. I was so busy that I had no time for family gatherings.”

Another described how impossible expectations trapped her at home: “As a stay at home mom, I was responsible for everything in the house. If I left to see friends and something wasn’t done like the dishes or laundry he’d get upset. With little kids and a dog, it was impossible to keep the house perfect, so I just stopped going out altogether.”

Over time, the guilt and pressure can make you feel as though having a social life is selfish or irresponsible, even though the expectations placed on you are unreasonable.

5. Framing Possessiveness as Concern

Isolation is often disguised as love. What looks like care or protectiveness at first can quietly turn into surveillance, and this form of possessiveness is rooted in a mindset of ownership and control.

One survivor reflected: “He always wanted to know where I was and who I was with. Initially, it wasn’t a problem, but it grew as the relationship progressed. I faced the choice between my partner or my friends.”

Another remembered how accusations followed every attempt at independence: “Every time I’d go somewhere, he’d accuse me of being sneaky or plotting something against him, so he’d go everywhere with me.”

What begins as attention slowly becomes control. You may find yourself feeling trapped, watched, and unable to make simple decisions without conflict.

6. Sabotaging Your Relationships

Abusers often interfere directly with your relationships, especially with people who might notice what is happening.

One woman described how her family was pushed away: “He would cause trouble, gaslight, and disrespect my family to their faces so they didn’t want to be around me when he was there. I withdrew from everyone who cared about me.”

Another was told her exclusion was her own fault: “Every time we weren’t invited to something my partner told me it’s because my sisters didn’t like me, and they were jealous of me and us and what we had.”

Close friendships are frequently targeted. One survivor shared: “He told me my best friend was untrustworthy and would ruin our relationship. She was the only one who might have suspected the abuse, so I stopped talking to her. I regret it to this day.”

Another described how trust was deliberately undermined: “When my old friends came to visit me from out of town, he told me he didn’t like them being there because, according to him, they were using me and taking advantage of me. He even invented stories about them saying mean things and making fun of me when I was out of the room, so I’d doubt my trust in them and be less likely to invite them to visit again.”

Isolation is rarely accidental. It is strategic.

7. Threatening The People You Love

In some situations, isolation is enforced through fear.

One survivor disclosed: “He threatened to kill my family.”

Another described living under constant threat: “He was keeping a loaded gun in his nightstand and saying he would shoot them. He isolated me for three years. My dad didn’t even get to meet my daughter when she was born.”

When loved ones are used as leverage, compliance can feel like the only way to keep them safe.

8. Forcing You to Relocate

Relocation is another powerful way abusers isolate you. Moving away from familiar places and people removes support all at once.

One survivor described what happened after moving abroad: “He told me I’d be happier if we moved to his country. Once there, I couldn’t work legally and had no friends. I was completely isolated.”

Another noticed that comfort itself became a threat: “When I found friends and a support system in an area, he told me that it was time to move because he didn’t want me too comfortable. Within a month of me saying, ‘I’m finally happy and have found a community,’ I was forced to leave it behind.”

For some, relocation led to even tighter restrictions: “I moved to his country, leaving behind my family, friends, and job. Once I was living there, I was only allowed freedom for an hour or two each day, and all interactions had to take place with him present.”

Relocation can strip away familiarity, safety, and independence all at once.

9. Making Socialising Feel Miserable

Some abusers make every attempt at connection so unpleasant that you eventually stop trying.

One woman described how every visit became a punishment: “Every time I’d plan a trip or visit family, he’d make life miserable before, during, and after. Eventually, I stopped agreeing to outings just to avoid the stress.”

Another remembered the constant backlash: “If I wanted to meet up with friends, he’d either start an argument right before I left or guilt me into staying home. Even when I did go, he’d bombard me with texts and calls, accusing me of neglecting him. Eventually, it just wasn’t worth the hassle.”

When social contact is consistently paired with punishment, self isolation becomes a form of self protection.

10. Escalating Abuse as Punishment

When you do resist isolation, the response is often escalation.

One survivor described the silent punishment that followed social contact: “He would angrily stare at me if I had a conversation with someone at church, and if I ignored him, he would take his anger out on me for weeks.”

Another recalled a frightening confrontation: “I came home one evening after attending a board meeting. He was waiting and enraged at how late the meeting went, proceeded to scream and smash a box against the family room wall. I skipped the next meeting.”

Connection becomes associated with danger.

Long-Term Impacts of Isolation

Isolation does not always end when the abuse ends. Many survivors are left with a deep sense of loneliness and disconnection.

As one person said: “I withdrew from almost everyone who cared about me. I didn’t want them to see what I was hiding.”

Another described life afterwards: “I don’t speak to anyone, so my assumption is that no one had to isolate me. I have to navigate life alone now. People have kids, a spouse, etc. I wasn’t able to have kids, and relationships seem extremely difficult for me, as if they aren’t real or are set up.”

If this resonates, it is not a personal failure. It is the impact of sustained isolation.

When Connection Begins to Return

For many survivors, leaving the abuse allows space for connection to re-enter their lives.

One survivor shared the relief of reconnecting: “I reconnected with my family. They told me how much they missed me and my child during those years. Now, I’m surrounded by people who love and cherish us.”

Another spoke about rediscovering joy: “I see all my family now and my friends, and I have mom’s nights to relax and have fun. What a change of life.”

For others, reconnection is still in progress: “After he died, I reunited with my family, and so many of them said how those years were so sad and depressing and they missed me and my child. Hopefully soon I’ll have enough money to go back home, and my daughter can finally meet my entire family.”

These voices exist to remind you that isolation does not have to be permanent. Even after years of being cut off, connection can return, carefully, gradually, and on your terms.

🌿 These conversations grow stronger when we hear from different voices. If this article connects with your experience, you’re warmly invited to share your thoughts below.

Featured Image: Isolation tactics are common in abusive relationships. Source: djoronimo / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.