How Abusers Use Driving to Control, Intimidate, and Terrify

Coercive control does not stay in the home. It travels with the victim. It shows up in everyday moments, including something as ordinary as getting into a car. Many survivors describe their most terrifying experiences as being in a moving vehicle, trapped beside someone who knew they held complete physical power.

Dangerous driving in abusive relationships is not a moment of anger or a loss of temper. It is a tactic. A method of domination. A way to frighten, silence, and overwhelm. When an abuser controls the vehicle, they control everything. You cannot get out. You cannot slow down. You cannot protect yourself or your children. Your safety depends entirely on someone who is intentionally creating fear.

The accounts that follow reveal how calculated, common, and devastating this tactic truly is.

The Abuser Behind the Wheel

Many survivors describe how their partner seemed to store up anger throughout the day and release it the moment they were alone together in the car. The vehicle became the place where the abuser felt most free to unleash their rage, knowing the enclosed space left their partner with no choice but to endure it.

Survivors consistently describe a range of terrifying behaviours. Some were verbally or physically assaulted while trapped in the passenger seat. Others were subjected to dangerous speeds, swerving, sudden braking, speeding, running red lights, or deliberate veering into oncoming traffic. Many were threatened with crashes or forced to fear being pushed out of a moving vehicle

One woman described gripping the handle beside her as he began accelerating aggressively.

“When he would drive erratic and terrify me, I would grip the handle of the car. That infuriated him. He would say, What, are you scared? You think this is scary? I can show you what scary is.”

He then drove the wrong way down a one way street and blamed her for reacting to the danger he created.

Others shared how he used the car itself as a weapon. One survivor recalled how he would “drive at trees and slam on the brakes”. Another said he would drive “so erratically that everything on the dash flew up and hit the top of the passenger windows.”

The chaos may look uncontrolled, but survivors often later realise that the performance was entirely deliberate.

Captive in a Moving Vehicle

One of the reason’s dangerous driving is such a powerful tactic of intimidation is the fact that there is no possibility of escape. The vehicle becomes a mobile prison, a place where fear intensifies because there is nowhere to run and no way to stop the unfolding danger. It is, in every sense, a form of captivity.

Dr Judith Herman, in her landmark book Trauma and Recovery, explains that domestic abuse often mirrors kidnapping and hostage-taking scenarios because the perpetrator controls the victim’s environment, choices, and physical freedom. The combination of confinement, unpredictability, and escalating threat within a car places the body into the same survival state as any other victim of capture.

One woman said her partner understood this dynamic completely.

“There was no way to escape; he knew that was how he could maintain control.”

Another described it even more plainly. “They turn their vehicles into torture chambers.” The car became the setting where the abuser could heighten the terror without interruption and without witnesses.

Some memories remain etched in the mind for years. One survivor said,

“One of my last memories of being trapped was him driving erratically with my kids and me in the car while screaming like a psycho.”

Others remembered being held inside for long stretches of time, powerless to intervene or escape.

“He locked the doors and drove around for three hours screaming abuse at me.”

For some victims, the fear eventually became overwhelming enough that it numbed them completely. One woman recalled the moment her terror collapsed into resignation.

“This was so normal after a while. I was like, Fine, lets die then.”

That sentence captures the profound psychological harm caused by being held captive in a moving vehicle with someone who treats fear as entertainment.

Leaving You Stranded

Abusers also use the car to create fear through abandonment. The threat is simple and terrifying: obey, or be forced out of the vehicle and left on your own. Many survivors say this was not just a threat but a repeated tactic that their partner carried out in order to show how easily he could remove safety, comfort, and the ability to get home.

One woman remembered experiencing this even while seriously injured.

“During a fight I tore the ligament in my knee; on the way to my MRI he repeatedly threatened to leave me there and said I could find my own way home.”

Even in moments of vulnerability, especially in moments of vulnerability, he wanted her to feel powerless.

Some described how the threat became physical.

“Another time he reached across me to open the car door and tried to push me out. When I got out, he took off and left me stranded.”

Some were threatened with being left in dangerous places, where the risks were clear:

“He said unless I did as he said, he’d leave me in a remote location in the middle of winter with no coat and I’d have to find my own way home.”

The victim knows that refusing him could result in being left without transport, and without any realistic way to get home safely. The risk becomes too great to defy him, which is exactly what he intended.

Abandonment is not simply being left behind. It is a calculated demonstration that safety is conditional, and the abuser alone decides when that safety is granted or taken away.

The Children in the Back Seat

Many survivors say the worst part of these incidents was not the danger to themselves but the danger to their children. Abusers often escalate their behaviour when children are present, knowing it intensifies the victim’s fear.

Some incidents pushed survivors to a breaking point. One woman said,

“The reason I left my ex was because he started swerving on an icy road with me and our newborn daughter in the car, saying he would kill all three of us.”

Others remembered the chaos unfolding right in front of their children:

“Yelling, shouting, throwing things at me, calling me names while our young children were in the back, terrified.”

In many cases, attempts to seek help made the situation even more dangerous. One survivor recalled,

“My ex did this while our baby was in the back seat. If I attempted to call the cops or say anything, he drove faster and more recklessly.”

He was not only threatening her safety but also weaponising the presence of their child to increase her fear and prevent her from reaching out for protection.

For children trapped in the back seat, these moments leave lasting emotional imprints. And for their parent, the terror is doubled, knowing they cannot shield their child from the person causing the harm.

When the Victim Is the One Driving

Even when the abuser is the passenger, they find ways to create terror and assert control.

One woman described trying to drive safely while being verbally attacked.

“Screaming and shouting while you are trying to remain calm and drive, being threatened and having a bottle thrown all over you while trying to drive on the motorway.”

Another recalled him using the door as a threat:

“Opening the car door at traffic lights while I was driving and shouting because I would not go to a shop.”

Others described direct attempts to sabotage the drive.

“Threatening to pull on the handbrake from the passenger seat when you are driving on the motorway.”

“Opening the door on a fast road and pretending to jump out.”

The danger in these moments is real and immediate. Another survivor remembered:

“Messing with the handbrake while you are driving, pouring beer over you and punching you.”

These behaviours force the victim into an impossible position. Drive safely, manage the abuse, and prevent a crash, all at once. It is intentionally overwhelming.

Dangerous Driving as a Performance of Power

Abusers often claim they simply lost control behind the wheel. But many survivors eventually recognise that the chaos was deliberate. It was never an accident. It was a performance.

One woman explained,

“That was his special trick. To lose his temper because I had pushed him to it, hands writhing on the wheel, the car speeding up, him biting his lip. He appeared barely in control, but now I know he was totally in control and wanted me to believe I was responsible for everything.”

Another remembered the expression on his face as he escalated the danger:

“I knew he was doing it to have control because he was smiling and smirking as he performed reckless manoeuvres all over the road. He was looking at me to see my reaction.”

These incidents reveal the truth. This behaviour is not a slip in judgment. It is an intentional assertion of power. It is coercive control carried out at high speed.

The Impact That Follows Survivors for Years

For many survivors, the fear remains alive in the body long after the danger is over.

One woman said,

“I am a nervous passenger and do not drive; this has definitely affected me.”

Another described how deeply the fear became embedded.

“To this day I cannot get in a car with anyone else except the tow truck driver.”

Others said they physically could not get behind the wheel anymore.

“I haven’t been able to get back behind the wheel since I left him. Whenever I tried, I would just start shaking and panic.”

This is the lasting impact of vehicle-based abuse. The car becomes a reminder of danger. The body reacts even when the abuser is gone.

What This Tactic Really Shows

When an abuser drives dangerously, threatens to crash, locks the doors, or abandons the victim, they are communicating something very simple. They are the one who decides whether the victim gets home safely.

This is not loss of control. It is the clearest expression of control.

Dangerous driving fits perfectly into the wider pattern of coercive control. It relies on fear, dependence, and powerlessness. Every manoeuvre reinforces the same message. You are not safe unless I allow you to be.

No one has the right to exert that level of power over another human being, and recognising this truth is often the first step toward reclaiming safety.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.