How Abusers Manipulate Children to Exert Control

In abusive relationships, perpetrators will exploit any vulnerability to dominate their partners, and sadly, that often includes using the couple's own children as tools of manipulation and control. By threatening, manipulating, or neglecting the children, abusers can trap their partners in a never-ending cycle of fear and compliance, both during the relationship and long after it ends.

Preventing Their Partner from Leaving

One of the ways abusers exploit children is to prevent their partner from escaping the abuse. They may threaten to harm the children or take the children away, making the victim believe they'll lose their kids forever if they try to leave.

As one survivor shared, "He told me, 'If you leave now, it will be your fault for breaking up our family and you'll have to explain that to our children!'" Another recounted a similar experience: "I used to get told, if I tried to leave, he would take everything from me. And he would take the kids, too."

Faced with the terrifying prospect of being separated from their children or subjecting them to the abuser's sole control, many victims feel trapped. They stay to protect their kids, reasoning that enduring the abuse is a lesser evil than risking the abuser's unchecked influence on their children. “I stayed because I couldn’t imagine leaving my three young children alone with him. He had a violent temper and no regard for their safety, and I knew they would bear the brunt of his rage,” one survivor share. “I thought, as long as I was there, I could shield them from the worst of it.”

Undermining the Victim's Parenting

To maintain control, abusers often demean and undermine their partner's parenting. They'll accuse them of being a bad influence or even a danger to the children. "First he rang the police about my mental health anonymously" recounted an outraged survivor. "Then he called children's mental health on my child and said I was the cause. He stopped paying child support. He sent horrible emails mentioning my mental health and threatening to take the children!"

Another woman shared, "He would threaten to starve and beat me regularly. He would physically take my child away into another room and tell my child they weren't allowed to see mommy and tell my child 'Mommy is bad. She doesn't deserve food so don't feed her’.”

This psychological abuse can cause the victimized parent to doubt their own abilities and feel like a failure. "In my child's eyes, he was the superhero, perpetually feeding this fantasy. Me: an ordinary mom, with no skills, nothing special to offer or be valued for," mourned one broken-hearted mother.

Abusers will also use the children to monitor and control their partner's every move. “He constantly asked the kids what I was doing, who I was with, and where I’d been,” shared one survivor. “Then he’d confront me later, twisting their innocent answers to accuse me of things I hadn’t done. It was like being spied on in my own life.”

Continuing Control Post-Separation

Even after the relationship ends, abusers often continue their reign of terror through the children. Through a campaign of post-separation abuse, they'll drag out custody battles, make false claims, or manipulate child support to financially and emotionally drain the protective parent. "Abusers turn on the children to hurt you and the children. They know what they are doing," explained one survivor. "My ex weaponizes our kids through family court, issues multiple civil proceedings, refuses to pay child maintenance, rearranges contact for my work days, then doesn't show up."

All too often, the abuse persists without limits, taking on new forms over time. "He's still as bad as he ever was; just he can't physically touch me anymore, so he has to go through our kids. It's worse, knowing the kids are still weaponized and when I fight back, I'm 'trying to reduce the father's time' and he gets to be the victim. He's still financially, emotionally, psychologically, economically crippling me. He's just using the kids to do it," explained one weary victim.

Turning Children Against the Safe Parent

Undermining the bond between children and the safe parent is a common tactic used by abusers, sometimes resulting in complete alienation. "I have not seen my son for over a year," grieved one heartbroken mother. "In the last four years, I have seen him twice. He is almost 16 years old and he is gone. I went from him being in my care every day to a 'visit' with his father that never ended."

When kids are turned against the victimized parent, the psychological toll is devastating. "Post separation abuse and mother-child relationship sabotage for 9 years gave me severe autoimmune diseases and made me suicidal," shared one survivor.

Abusers employ a variety of manipulative tactics to damage the bond between children and the victimized parent. They create a narrative where the safe parent is portrayed as unloving, irresponsible, selfish, or even dangerous. These fabricated narratives confuse children and undermine their sense of trust.

One survivor shared, “He told my son, ‘Your mum is weak because she left me instead of fixing things.’ My son started to believe that I had abandoned the family, even though I left to protect both of us.”

Abusers may also manipulate the child into taking sides by involving them in adult conflicts. “He would say things like, ‘It’s not fair that Mum has you more than me. Tell her you want equal time with both of us,’” recalled one survivor. “It placed an unbearable burden on my child, making him feel responsible for fixing the situation.”

The abuser’s disapproval of any positive feelings the child has toward the safe parent further isolates the victim. “Whenever my son spoke positively about me, his dad would express disappointment or anger,” said one survivor. “It made my son feel like he had to choose between us, and he felt forced to align to the parent who wouldn’t punish him for loving the other.”

Abusers may also use emotional blackmail to force the victimized parent into compliance. “He threatened to tell my child lies about me if I didn’t agree to his demands,” said one survivor. “It felt like I was constantly being held hostage emotionally.”

Finding Hope and Healing

Leaving an abuser is always hard, but when children are involved it can feel impossible. But there is hope. Despite the immense challenges, many survivors find ways to rebuild their lives and protect their children from the long-term effects of coercive control.

One survivor shared, “I grieved for the family I had hoped my children would have, but I’m determined to give them the love and stability they deserve now.”

Survivors emphasize the importance of support systems and professional help. “Counseling, advocacy, and having trusted people around me have been lifesaving. It’s a long road, but freedom and healing are worth it.”

These stories highlight the devastating impact of coercive control and the resilience of survivors determined to create better lives for themselves and their children.

The road forward is incredibly rocky and difficult, but worth every hard-fought step.

🌿 Has this touched something in your own story? If you feel comfortable, add a comment – your words could be the reminder another survivor needs today.

Featured image: Abusers weaponize their children to exert control. Source: Oostendorp/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.