I grew up with this sort of control from my dad. Reckless driving, or simply controlling time by driving slow enough to make up late, deliberately taking the long route, etc.
The car I drive now, I have often referred to as a mobile torture chamber. I don’t know why I thought this was a unique tactic before reading your essay….. 😢
There is a worn spot on the steering wheel where his left hand would grip so tight because his right hand would have his gun which he would slam against my skull or forcefully jam into my ribs and arm. He would swerve so violently my head would slam into the window. He threatened to drive 100 mph into trees all the time, even with our dog in the car. If he didn’t have his gun out, he would grab me by the hair and yank my head around. He would demand that I give him my glasses and / or take off shoes and clothing so I would not be able to escape.
We had bought “my” car at the end of January 2025 with new tires and 106k miles. In May when I started driving again, the car needed all new tires and there had been over 20,000 miles put on it - in FOUR MONTHS.
I drive the car now and think about how I’m in the drivers seat. It is satisfying but I am looking forward to when I can get a new car.
My heart hurts reading your story 😔 These are war-zone tactics used inside a relationship. What you described is the kind of violence most people can’t even imagine, and you survived it while trying to protect yourself and your precious dog. I am so very glad it is you that is now in the driver's seat. While you don't yet have your new car, you are now driving on your own terms, with safety, and rewriting the story of that car. Thank you for having the courage to share this. Sending you so much strength and recognition. You never deserved any of that. 💛
That’s exactly the way I’ve chosen to deal with it. 🥰 Thank you for seeing me and sharing your experiences.
I’ve come to understand that my strengths are what he desired to control but I traded my autonomy for a false sense of security because of the traumas I had already endured. Over the years of feeling unworthy and emotionally ignored, I came to believe that I deserved the way he treated me.
It was my child’s face that made me realize in an instant that the only person who was going to save my son was me. And since no one was saving me, I would have to do it myself.
I didn’t realize this was a thing. I thought it was something that was unique to my abusive marriages.
I remember the day Tom and I were on the west coast of Washington state, eating lunch in a seafood restaurant about 300 miles from home, when a mask dropped over his face, and he just got up and walked out of the restaurant, leaving me still eating. He got in the car and sat there. I was afraid to finish my lunch, because that might make him angry -- angrier -- so I hurried up and paid and got into his SUV with him. And then I remember him driving down the highway with his right hand clamped on my throat, squeezing and chanting about how he was going to “fix me,” over and over. And then somehow, we were stopped on the shoulder of the highway and I was jammed up against the passenger door, and he was on top of me, strangling me with both hands and chanting, “I’m gonna fix you. I’m gonna fix you for good!” I remember trying desperately to get the door open so I could escape, and then I remember falling on the highway -- so he must have pulled over on the LEFT side of the road. And I woke up with the clothes I was wearing and my dog, who had jumped out after me. The other dog got tangled in the gear shift and couldn’t make it out. I remember Tom holding my Nikon out the window by the strap, and telling me if I didn’t get back into the car with him, he would smash my camera. And I remember walking away with the clothes on my back and my dog. We were 300 miles from home. I had no purse, no money, no jacket and no leash for my dog. And he just drove away.
I remember thinking that if I did find a way to make it back home, he would have smashed all my stuff to pay me back for “making him look bad” by not getting back into the car with him. He hadn’t smashed everything, and I managed to move out while he was at work.
It took me a quarter of a century or more to be able to tolerate anything around my neck again. I still freak out if anyone reaches for my neck, even in jest. I’m lucky, given the places I’ve lived, that I didn’t get triggered by driving — this happened in HIS car; my little car was still safe.
A dozen years later, I remarried. This was a man I had known for a decade and dated for five years. He wasn’t abusive, he was kind and generous and NICE. Until he wasn’t. And near the end of our marriage, he drove two hundred miles through a rain storm and bumper to bumper traffic, raging and screaming at me the whole time. I clung to the arm rest, bargaining with a God I don’t really believe in to let me live through the experience.
The thing that surprises me — and yet it rings true — is that neither man “lost control.” They were deliberately trying to control and manipulate me. I’ve been divorced for six years now; I will never marry again. I doubt I’ll ever get into the car with a man behind the wheel again either.
Ruby, my whole body tightened reading this 😔 What you went through wasn’t just frightening, but life-threatening. You're absolutely right that it wasn’t a man “losing control.” It was calculated domination and terror used as a weapon. The fact that you survived being strangled and left on the side of a highway, with no money, and only your dog beside you, shows an extraordinary level of strength and fortitude. You were fighting for your life. And yet you knew that getting back in the car was more dangerous than being left alone and injured on the side of a motorway. Your instinct kept you alive.
Then to go through it again years later, with someone else who seemed safe for so long was another huge betrayal 💔
I’m so very glad you’re out of it now. You don’t owe anyone marriage, trust, or the passenger seat ever again. You get to choose what safety looks like for you, and if that means never sitting beside a man behind the wheel, that is entirely understandable!
Good God I’m so sorry. I hear some similarities in my recent abusive relationship that I have safely exited. This entire article made it clear to me what I never knew — the car rides were incidents of abuse and control. I’m 61 and I will never ever be in a relationship again — my 25 year marriage was abusive and the one right after it and that I just referenced was as well. I feel more safe and more at peace navigating this world and my life as a solo person too. Peace to you, friend.
Gosh. I had completely forgotten all about this. I do always remember, and still now this feels so powerful, that I will never have to get in a car with him ever again.
It's amazing how much we tuck away to the back of our memories until we hear someone else's experience and it brings it all out again. I am so glad it is in your past, and you never have to endure that again. 💛
Oof. My mom used to reverse up highways with my sister and I in the backseat, my dad would get drunk and pile us into the car for a road trip. I hate cars and I refuse to let them (or anyone other than baby daddy and his parents) drive me and my kid anywhere.
I'd rather take two trains and a bus and find a way to drag all our luggage plus a stroller. Fuck that shit.
I cannot imagine how terrifying that was for you! As children, we rely on our parents for our safety and comfort. To be subjected to the complete opposite from those meant to nurture and protect is such an enormous betrayal and heartbreak. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that 😔🫂
An abusive ex of mine reached over and held the gas pedal to the floor while I was driving through a residential neighborhood. I was only just learning to drive and extremely nervous. After that I had a full blown phobia of driving it took me years to overcome.
My ex used to start arguments in the car and then accuse me of starting them. He would talk me in circles and gaslight me. He would open a beer while he was driving with our children in the back m. He would swerve all over the road to scare me. He would speed down curvy country roads to make me sick (I was pregnant). He would yell and punch the dashboard to scare me, and tell me it was my fault. He would laugh when I was scared. He would drive drunk. He would criticize my driving so relentlessly that I eventually just let him drive. He would pester me for sexual favors even while he was driving or try to grope me.
It didn’t occur to me that driving could be weaponized as abuse for years.
Gosh, he really was using so many of the tactics abusers use within cars - almost all of them! All those situations must have been so terrifying. I am so glad you are free of all that now.
I’m sitting here mouth agape as I never put 2 and 2 together with my abusive partner (recently exited) and use of car as a control tactic. I’m now remembering that almost every car ride included at least a verbal fight over nothing and him just wearing me down until I apologized or went silent and let him yell. And he always blamed me for starting or causing the fight and that we could never go anywhere peacefully. But another sinister thing I just realized — if we were driving in his car he would drive carefully and well. If we were in my car, and he was driving, he was erratic and reckless. Really frightening to me and would get worse if I brought it to his attention with kind pleas to slow down, etc.
So I began requesting we meet up in separate cars and always gave work or something else as an excuse. He didn’t like that and would balk at separate cars. If at my house I just always knew he would coerce to be the driver in my car.
Thanks for sharing this Tricia, what you've described shows so clearly how calculated and intentional this tactic is, the way he would only do it in your car! It is all about control. Even though you weren't aware of it as a tactic, it was obviously deeply affecting you to the point that you were trying to find ways around it e.g. meeting up in separate cars. That was so smart. I'm really glad you're out now and I hope that naming what happened to you at least offers some validation for your experience.
Unfortunately I remember this all too well. In the highway just so mad and saying all these things while I prayed we didn’t die right there. Slamming the gas pedal and then the brakes. It’s not what you say. Nothing I said would calm him down. And even when I stayed quiet it wasn’t enough cause he wanted me to answer. If I agreed he didn’t believe me and if I stayed quiet it wasn’t enough.
When I read this I realised how much of the abuse happened in and around cars. Getting back behind the wheel has been a huge part of my healing. Your writing triggered me but really helped me to understand how the abuse and cars were connected. Thank you.
I'm really glad this article helped you make those connections, even though I'm sorry it brought up such painful memories. Well done for confronting those fears around driving that he left you with, it takes so much courage to face something that was used to intimidate you. 💛
I'll never forget the day my ex locked the doors and drove without telling me where were going. When I managed to stay the panic shooting through my body and ask he said very coolly: For once we're going to do what I want. He drove for over an hour to a seaside town. I pretended to enjoy myself while fear and powerlessness pressed in on all sides.
That sounds like such a scary experience. He was using silence and control to instill, which is such a clear example of coercive power. The fact that you had to pretend to enjoy yourself shows how much you were going through and what you need to do just to keep yourself safe 😔
Reading this brought back so many bad memories of my ex and his erratic driving as he yelled at me. He also tried pushing me out of the moving car with the intent to leave me there.
This one triggered me, my heart is still pounding.
I'm so sorry this one was so triggering for you. Sending all my support and care 🫂
Same
I grew up with this sort of control from my dad. Reckless driving, or simply controlling time by driving slow enough to make up late, deliberately taking the long route, etc.
The car I drive now, I have often referred to as a mobile torture chamber. I don’t know why I thought this was a unique tactic before reading your essay….. 😢
There is a worn spot on the steering wheel where his left hand would grip so tight because his right hand would have his gun which he would slam against my skull or forcefully jam into my ribs and arm. He would swerve so violently my head would slam into the window. He threatened to drive 100 mph into trees all the time, even with our dog in the car. If he didn’t have his gun out, he would grab me by the hair and yank my head around. He would demand that I give him my glasses and / or take off shoes and clothing so I would not be able to escape.
We had bought “my” car at the end of January 2025 with new tires and 106k miles. In May when I started driving again, the car needed all new tires and there had been over 20,000 miles put on it - in FOUR MONTHS.
I drive the car now and think about how I’m in the drivers seat. It is satisfying but I am looking forward to when I can get a new car.
My heart hurts reading your story 😔 These are war-zone tactics used inside a relationship. What you described is the kind of violence most people can’t even imagine, and you survived it while trying to protect yourself and your precious dog. I am so very glad it is you that is now in the driver's seat. While you don't yet have your new car, you are now driving on your own terms, with safety, and rewriting the story of that car. Thank you for having the courage to share this. Sending you so much strength and recognition. You never deserved any of that. 💛
That’s exactly the way I’ve chosen to deal with it. 🥰 Thank you for seeing me and sharing your experiences.
I’ve come to understand that my strengths are what he desired to control but I traded my autonomy for a false sense of security because of the traumas I had already endured. Over the years of feeling unworthy and emotionally ignored, I came to believe that I deserved the way he treated me.
It was my child’s face that made me realize in an instant that the only person who was going to save my son was me. And since no one was saving me, I would have to do it myself.
I didn’t realize this was a thing. I thought it was something that was unique to my abusive marriages.
I remember the day Tom and I were on the west coast of Washington state, eating lunch in a seafood restaurant about 300 miles from home, when a mask dropped over his face, and he just got up and walked out of the restaurant, leaving me still eating. He got in the car and sat there. I was afraid to finish my lunch, because that might make him angry -- angrier -- so I hurried up and paid and got into his SUV with him. And then I remember him driving down the highway with his right hand clamped on my throat, squeezing and chanting about how he was going to “fix me,” over and over. And then somehow, we were stopped on the shoulder of the highway and I was jammed up against the passenger door, and he was on top of me, strangling me with both hands and chanting, “I’m gonna fix you. I’m gonna fix you for good!” I remember trying desperately to get the door open so I could escape, and then I remember falling on the highway -- so he must have pulled over on the LEFT side of the road. And I woke up with the clothes I was wearing and my dog, who had jumped out after me. The other dog got tangled in the gear shift and couldn’t make it out. I remember Tom holding my Nikon out the window by the strap, and telling me if I didn’t get back into the car with him, he would smash my camera. And I remember walking away with the clothes on my back and my dog. We were 300 miles from home. I had no purse, no money, no jacket and no leash for my dog. And he just drove away.
I remember thinking that if I did find a way to make it back home, he would have smashed all my stuff to pay me back for “making him look bad” by not getting back into the car with him. He hadn’t smashed everything, and I managed to move out while he was at work.
It took me a quarter of a century or more to be able to tolerate anything around my neck again. I still freak out if anyone reaches for my neck, even in jest. I’m lucky, given the places I’ve lived, that I didn’t get triggered by driving — this happened in HIS car; my little car was still safe.
A dozen years later, I remarried. This was a man I had known for a decade and dated for five years. He wasn’t abusive, he was kind and generous and NICE. Until he wasn’t. And near the end of our marriage, he drove two hundred miles through a rain storm and bumper to bumper traffic, raging and screaming at me the whole time. I clung to the arm rest, bargaining with a God I don’t really believe in to let me live through the experience.
The thing that surprises me — and yet it rings true — is that neither man “lost control.” They were deliberately trying to control and manipulate me. I’ve been divorced for six years now; I will never marry again. I doubt I’ll ever get into the car with a man behind the wheel again either.
Ruby, my whole body tightened reading this 😔 What you went through wasn’t just frightening, but life-threatening. You're absolutely right that it wasn’t a man “losing control.” It was calculated domination and terror used as a weapon. The fact that you survived being strangled and left on the side of a highway, with no money, and only your dog beside you, shows an extraordinary level of strength and fortitude. You were fighting for your life. And yet you knew that getting back in the car was more dangerous than being left alone and injured on the side of a motorway. Your instinct kept you alive.
Then to go through it again years later, with someone else who seemed safe for so long was another huge betrayal 💔
I’m so very glad you’re out of it now. You don’t owe anyone marriage, trust, or the passenger seat ever again. You get to choose what safety looks like for you, and if that means never sitting beside a man behind the wheel, that is entirely understandable!
Good God I’m so sorry. I hear some similarities in my recent abusive relationship that I have safely exited. This entire article made it clear to me what I never knew — the car rides were incidents of abuse and control. I’m 61 and I will never ever be in a relationship again — my 25 year marriage was abusive and the one right after it and that I just referenced was as well. I feel more safe and more at peace navigating this world and my life as a solo person too. Peace to you, friend.
One time, he suddenly accelerated and hit a small flock of sparrows that were flying up from the street. He killed 4 or 5 of them.
Our kids were in the back seat.
My older daughter doesn't really ride with anyone. If she goes, she almost always drives.
How awful! And for the children to have witnessed that too, must have been incredibly distressing for all of you. 😔🫂
Gosh. I had completely forgotten all about this. I do always remember, and still now this feels so powerful, that I will never have to get in a car with him ever again.
It's amazing how much we tuck away to the back of our memories until we hear someone else's experience and it brings it all out again. I am so glad it is in your past, and you never have to endure that again. 💛
Oof. My mom used to reverse up highways with my sister and I in the backseat, my dad would get drunk and pile us into the car for a road trip. I hate cars and I refuse to let them (or anyone other than baby daddy and his parents) drive me and my kid anywhere.
I'd rather take two trains and a bus and find a way to drag all our luggage plus a stroller. Fuck that shit.
I cannot imagine how terrifying that was for you! As children, we rely on our parents for our safety and comfort. To be subjected to the complete opposite from those meant to nurture and protect is such an enormous betrayal and heartbreak. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that 😔🫂
An abusive ex of mine reached over and held the gas pedal to the floor while I was driving through a residential neighborhood. I was only just learning to drive and extremely nervous. After that I had a full blown phobia of driving it took me years to overcome.
My ex used to start arguments in the car and then accuse me of starting them. He would talk me in circles and gaslight me. He would open a beer while he was driving with our children in the back m. He would swerve all over the road to scare me. He would speed down curvy country roads to make me sick (I was pregnant). He would yell and punch the dashboard to scare me, and tell me it was my fault. He would laugh when I was scared. He would drive drunk. He would criticize my driving so relentlessly that I eventually just let him drive. He would pester me for sexual favors even while he was driving or try to grope me.
It didn’t occur to me that driving could be weaponized as abuse for years.
Gosh, he really was using so many of the tactics abusers use within cars - almost all of them! All those situations must have been so terrifying. I am so glad you are free of all that now.
I’m sitting here mouth agape as I never put 2 and 2 together with my abusive partner (recently exited) and use of car as a control tactic. I’m now remembering that almost every car ride included at least a verbal fight over nothing and him just wearing me down until I apologized or went silent and let him yell. And he always blamed me for starting or causing the fight and that we could never go anywhere peacefully. But another sinister thing I just realized — if we were driving in his car he would drive carefully and well. If we were in my car, and he was driving, he was erratic and reckless. Really frightening to me and would get worse if I brought it to his attention with kind pleas to slow down, etc.
So I began requesting we meet up in separate cars and always gave work or something else as an excuse. He didn’t like that and would balk at separate cars. If at my house I just always knew he would coerce to be the driver in my car.
Thank you for this. Just wow.
Thanks for sharing this Tricia, what you've described shows so clearly how calculated and intentional this tactic is, the way he would only do it in your car! It is all about control. Even though you weren't aware of it as a tactic, it was obviously deeply affecting you to the point that you were trying to find ways around it e.g. meeting up in separate cars. That was so smart. I'm really glad you're out now and I hope that naming what happened to you at least offers some validation for your experience.
Unfortunately I remember this all too well. In the highway just so mad and saying all these things while I prayed we didn’t die right there. Slamming the gas pedal and then the brakes. It’s not what you say. Nothing I said would calm him down. And even when I stayed quiet it wasn’t enough cause he wanted me to answer. If I agreed he didn’t believe me and if I stayed quiet it wasn’t enough.
When I read this I realised how much of the abuse happened in and around cars. Getting back behind the wheel has been a huge part of my healing. Your writing triggered me but really helped me to understand how the abuse and cars were connected. Thank you.
I'm really glad this article helped you make those connections, even though I'm sorry it brought up such painful memories. Well done for confronting those fears around driving that he left you with, it takes so much courage to face something that was used to intimidate you. 💛
I'll never forget the day my ex locked the doors and drove without telling me where were going. When I managed to stay the panic shooting through my body and ask he said very coolly: For once we're going to do what I want. He drove for over an hour to a seaside town. I pretended to enjoy myself while fear and powerlessness pressed in on all sides.
That sounds like such a scary experience. He was using silence and control to instill, which is such a clear example of coercive power. The fact that you had to pretend to enjoy yourself shows how much you were going through and what you need to do just to keep yourself safe 😔
Reading this brought back so many bad memories of my ex and his erratic driving as he yelled at me. He also tried pushing me out of the moving car with the intent to leave me there.
That sounds absolutely terrifying 😔 I am so glad you got away from him and you are safe now.