People often ask victims of domestic abuse, “Why don’t you just leave?” But this question overlooks the complex and entangled dynamics of abusive relationships, including manipulation, fear, and financial dependency that make it extremely difficult for victims to break free.
It assumes that “leaving” is a solution. If you don’t have kids maybe you can leave and move on with your life , but with children it’s not possible. Co-parenting post-separation with an emotionally abusive person is incredibly traumatic for the children who then have to be in a situation where they are alone with each parent separately, being shunted between different environments in an often chaotic and conflicted environment as the uncooperative parent will constantly change plans at the last minute, not return school items, want everything their way. You’ll have all the psychological trauma you had before but now an added layer of stress about what’s happening in the house you have to send your child to alone - and you don’t want to deny them a relationship with their father, so there’s no alternative - plus poverty, loneliness and constant fear that he will take you to court, accuse you of being drunk or depressed or not a fit parent for any confabulation he appears to genuinely believe, and any small amount of influence or control over the situation is gone, replaced by open conflict that may last for the rest of your life. The fact that you can’t leave is proof that it’s abusive. Unless yours or your children’s lives are in danger or he’s threatening you with violence or prison (which is a fairly common thing they do which I hardly ever hear about, using the system against you, not just family court but social security laws, calling the police, building a dossier of minor crimes you’ve committed to be used against you, subpoena your therapy files, on and on. Most people are better off staying and so are their children. Most of the worst violence and conflict occurs after people leave, in the case of families anyway.
Thank you for sharing this—it’s such a valid and complex reality that you’ve described. Co-parenting with an emotionally abusive person is incredibly traumatic and draining, not just for you but for your children as well. In some cases, staying can indeed be the safer option - many don't understand this.
In my case, I chose to leave. I have a child too, and while I don’t regret it, the abuse didn’t stop when I walked away. It intensified. I’ve faced almost all of the hurdles you’ve mentioned—manipulation, sabotaging, and constant stress over my child’s well-being. Fortunately, I’ve had the support of an amazing legal team, financial support, and psychologist to help navigate through this, but I am very aware that not everyone is so fortunate and many have no help at all.
Whatever choice you make, there’s no “right” answer—just what feels safest and best for you and your children in the long run.
It assumes that “leaving” is a solution. If you don’t have kids maybe you can leave and move on with your life , but with children it’s not possible. Co-parenting post-separation with an emotionally abusive person is incredibly traumatic for the children who then have to be in a situation where they are alone with each parent separately, being shunted between different environments in an often chaotic and conflicted environment as the uncooperative parent will constantly change plans at the last minute, not return school items, want everything their way. You’ll have all the psychological trauma you had before but now an added layer of stress about what’s happening in the house you have to send your child to alone - and you don’t want to deny them a relationship with their father, so there’s no alternative - plus poverty, loneliness and constant fear that he will take you to court, accuse you of being drunk or depressed or not a fit parent for any confabulation he appears to genuinely believe, and any small amount of influence or control over the situation is gone, replaced by open conflict that may last for the rest of your life. The fact that you can’t leave is proof that it’s abusive. Unless yours or your children’s lives are in danger or he’s threatening you with violence or prison (which is a fairly common thing they do which I hardly ever hear about, using the system against you, not just family court but social security laws, calling the police, building a dossier of minor crimes you’ve committed to be used against you, subpoena your therapy files, on and on. Most people are better off staying and so are their children. Most of the worst violence and conflict occurs after people leave, in the case of families anyway.
Thank you for sharing this—it’s such a valid and complex reality that you’ve described. Co-parenting with an emotionally abusive person is incredibly traumatic and draining, not just for you but for your children as well. In some cases, staying can indeed be the safer option - many don't understand this.
In my case, I chose to leave. I have a child too, and while I don’t regret it, the abuse didn’t stop when I walked away. It intensified. I’ve faced almost all of the hurdles you’ve mentioned—manipulation, sabotaging, and constant stress over my child’s well-being. Fortunately, I’ve had the support of an amazing legal team, financial support, and psychologist to help navigate through this, but I am very aware that not everyone is so fortunate and many have no help at all.
Whatever choice you make, there’s no “right” answer—just what feels safest and best for you and your children in the long run.