20 Survivors Explain Why Leaving an Abusive Partner Isn’t as Simple as It Seems
People often ask victims of domestic abuse, “Why don’t you just leave?” But this question overlooks the complex and entangled dynamics of abusive relationships, including manipulation, fear, and financial dependency that make it extremely difficult for victims to break free.
Many believe they would walk away at the first sign of harm, assuming it’s as straightforward as making the decision to leave. In reality, leaving an abusive relationship isn’t just about walking out the door; it’s about disentangling oneself from an intricate web of emotional, financial, and psychological control that has been built up over time.
Here, 20 survivors share the challenges they faced when attempting to leave their abusive partners. Their stories highlight the multitude of obstacles that kept them trapped and demonstrate that leaving is not a simple decision, but an arduous and potentially dangerous process.
1. Nowhere to Go
“I didn’t have anywhere else to go. No access to money, and no support network. My family was over two hours away, and I had no transport to get there. I felt completely trapped.”
2. Financial Abuse and Isolation
“He cut me off completely financially, isolated me from friends and family, and constantly asked, ‘How will you survive? You have nowhere to go.’ When my car broke down, he refused to fix it. I had to walk everywhere for nearly a year, feeling like a prisoner.”
3. Fear of Retaliation
“He threatened to kill my family if I left. He would go into great detail about how he would hurt them. In the end, he kept his awful promise and took his own life when I asked for a divorce. I stayed out of fear for so long, but he made sure I couldn’t leave without consequence.”
4. Fear of Losing Children
“I stayed because he threatened to take my child away if I left. He would say, ‘If you leave, you’ll never see him again,’ and I believed him.”
5. Trauma Bonding
“The trauma bond is real. I felt like I couldn’t live without him, even though he was destroying me. He had me convinced that leaving would be worse than staying.”
6. Hoping for Change
“I kept believing his promises to change. Every time he said, ‘I’m sorry. I’ll do better,’ I wanted so badly to believe him. But it was always the same cycle of abuse.”
7. Threats and Manipulation
“He would threaten to kill himself if I left. He’d say, ‘If you leave, it’s your fault I die.’ I stayed longer because I didn’t want that guilt on me, even though he was the one hurting me.”
8. Fear of Death
“He said the only way I’d leave was in a wooden box. He’d talk about slashing my face to bits. I truly believed he would kill me if I tried to leave, and I had three young kids to think about.”
9. Guilt and Shame
“He made me feel guilty for even considering leaving. ‘You’re breaking up our family,’ he’d say. I felt like I was failing as a partner and a mother, even though it was him destroying us.”
10. Love and Hope
“I loved him and hoped he would stop treating me badly. I thought if I could just be better—more patient, more loving—he would go back to being the man I fell in love with.”
11. Children as Pawns
“He used our children as a weapon against me. ‘If you leave, you’re abandoning them,’ he’d say. I didn’t want to lose them or have them think I didn’t love them enough to stay.”
12. Threats to Personal Safety
“Every time I tried to leave, he’d say, ‘If you ever leave, I’ll find you and make sure no one else can ever have you.’ It was a promise he made over and over, and I believed him.”
13. Self-Doubt and Gaslighting
“He gaslighted me so much I thought I was the problem. I truly believed I was the one who needed to change and that leaving would mean I’d failed.”
14. Emotional Manipulation
“He’d say, ‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t leave.’ I stayed because I wanted to prove that I was a good person who didn’t give up on people. I was wrong.”
15. False Hope and Lies
“I kept believing he’d change. He’d tell me he loved me and was sorry. I wanted to believe the lies so badly, and every time I thought about leaving, I’d remember the good times and hope they’d come back.”
16. Fear of Homelessness
“The threat of homelessness kept me there. I couldn’t afford to live on my own. If I left, where would I go?”
17. No Support Network
“I had no outside support—no family, no place to go that was less traumatic than staying. Plus, he controlled all the money, so even if I wanted to leave, I had nothing.”
18. Protecting Loved Ones
“I thought I was protecting my loved ones by staying. He said he’d hurt them if I left. I felt like I was shielding them, even though it meant sacrificing myself.”
19. Bond with Step-Children
“I stayed for his children. I loved them, and he made me feel like leaving meant abandoning them. I wanted to believe there was some good in him for their sake.”
20. Fear of Repercussions
“I was scared of what he’d do if I left or told anyone. He’d downplay the abuse if the cops came, and I knew I’d have to say anything to make them leave because I knew it would get worse once they were gone.”
Changing the Narrative: Why Doesn’t the Abuser Let Them Go?
Instead of asking victims why they don’t “just leave,” we should be questioning why the abuser doesn’t “just stop abusing” or “just let them go.” Shifting the focus to the abuser’s behavior places accountability where it truly belongs. This perspective change exposes the real source of the problem and encourages a more compassionate and supportive approach to helping victims.
There are countless reasons why leaving an abusive partner is incredibly challenging. Rather than implying blame on the victim, it’s more helpful to ask questions like, “How is your partner making it difficult for you to leave?” or “What support would make it easier for you to leave?” These questions emphasize understanding the abuser’s control tactics and focus on empowering victims with solutions.
Effectively supporting victims starts with changing how we frame the conversation and the questions we ask. Challenging these perceptions is key to fostering understanding and providing meaningful assistance to those experiencing domestic abuse.
Featured image: Leaving an abusive relationship comes with many challenges. Source: BonzEarthsnapper / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
It assumes that “leaving” is a solution. If you don’t have kids maybe you can leave and move on with your life , but with children it’s not possible. Co-parenting post-separation with an emotionally abusive person is incredibly traumatic for the children who then have to be in a situation where they are alone with each parent separately, being shunted between different environments in an often chaotic and conflicted environment as the uncooperative parent will constantly change plans at the last minute, not return school items, want everything their way. You’ll have all the psychological trauma you had before but now an added layer of stress about what’s happening in the house you have to send your child to alone - and you don’t want to deny them a relationship with their father, so there’s no alternative - plus poverty, loneliness and constant fear that he will take you to court, accuse you of being drunk or depressed or not a fit parent for any confabulation he appears to genuinely believe, and any small amount of influence or control over the situation is gone, replaced by open conflict that may last for the rest of your life. The fact that you can’t leave is proof that it’s abusive. Unless yours or your children’s lives are in danger or he’s threatening you with violence or prison (which is a fairly common thing they do which I hardly ever hear about, using the system against you, not just family court but social security laws, calling the police, building a dossier of minor crimes you’ve committed to be used against you, subpoena your therapy files, on and on. Most people are better off staying and so are their children. Most of the worst violence and conflict occurs after people leave, in the case of families anyway.