Understanding that a relationship is abusive is rarely straightforward. Many survivors spend years—or even decades—before they fully grasp the extent of their partner’s harmful behavior. This delayed realization often stems from emotional manipulation, gradual conditioning, and internalized self-blame. By reflecting on survivors’ stories, we can explore the factors that make it so challenging to identify abuse.
It Often Begins Subtly
Abuse doesn’t usually begin with obvious acts of aggression. Instead, it often emerges as subtle behaviors like criticism, control, or emotional manipulation, making it difficult to spot early on. As one survivor explained, “It’s so slow and subtle, especially at first. You don’t even realize it’s happening. Eventually, I WAS afraid of him, but he didn’t get physical until after years of this type of psychological abuse.”
Another survivor added: “It is an incredibly slow, incremental conditioning & brainwashing, implemented in such a way that you often don't realize that it is even happening until you are so far into the relationship that you struggle to see a viable way out anymore.”
This gradual progression conditions victims to accept increasingly damaging behavior, leaving them entrenched before the abuse becomes fully apparent.
Manipulation Clouds Reality
Tactics like gaslighting and emotional manipulation are key strategies abusers use to confuse and control their victims. These methods distort reality, causing people to question their experiences and feelings. One person reflected, “It took years even though he’d physically attacked me loads of times before… He’d always have some excuse or blamed me for making him do it.” Another woman shared: “I knew something wasn't right but it was very confusing to begin with. Once it escalated to physical abuse I knew I wasn't crazy and stopped doubting myself.”
Gaslighting can be so effective that many victims believe they are at fault or think they even imagined the abuse. This statement from one individual is a thought that has been echoed by many, “I kept thinking, ‘If I just did better or acted differently, it would change,’ until I realized this year it’s never going to change.”
Cultural Norms Reinforce Denial
Cultural and societal expectations often prevent victims from identifying abuse. Many internalize messages that frame abusive behavior as typical relationship challenges. One survivor admitted:
“I kept thinking, ‘This is the hard work of marriage,’ without realizing it was simply abuse.”
For others, the absence of physical violence obscured their understanding of abuse. “I thought I hadn’t been in a DV situation because he never hit me. Ten years later, I realized verbal, financial, and emotional abuse are also forms of domestic violence.”
Isolation Alters Perspective
Isolation from friends and family is common in abusive relationships and it makes it even harder for victims to recognize signs of abuse. Without outside perspectives, victims may rationalize or downplay harmful behaviors. As one woman said: “I didn’t realize the relationship was crossing into abusive territory until I told a close friend. She saw obvious red flags I hadn’t noticed. At first, I didn’t want to believe it, but she was completely right.” Another person shared: “I was explaining my concerns to a friend and she looked at me and said, ‘this isn’t just unhealthy…that is full blown abuse.’ I was shocked and then I started connecting dots.”
Someone else wrote, “I feel like I’m crazy sometimes because of how others perceive him. I just want one person to tell me they saw that dark side so I know I’m not delusional.”
Without validation from others, victims often feel isolated in their experiences and may doubt their perceptions of reality.
Fear Delays Action
Even when victims recognize abuse, fear often paralyzes them. Abusers create an environment where leaving feels impossible. One survivor recalled, “Unluckily for me I couldn't accept the truth so it took me over 10 years to finally pluck my courage and move away. I had to receive a punch in my face and after a threat with a firearm. Only then I made my move. Some people criticize me and tell me that I endured too much and I should have left earlier but I didn't have the courage. I felt trapped, helpless and I didn't see any solution.”
Another described a physical effect of their fear: “When my hands shook every time his number popped up on my phone, I knew something was deeply wrong.”
Defining Moments of Clarity
For some, a single incident can shatter illusions and lead to clarity. One survivor described a poignant realization: “A very old lady told me about her kind husband who would help her with her adult diapers. I cried because I knew my husband would never be that kind, and I never wanted to depend on him when I’m 85.”
A male survivor shared an equally impactful moment: “This single instant in time, a truly ‘aha’ moment, came when she lied straight to my face about something that I knew was true. And she did it instantly, without a second thought or emotion. Like it was nothing, like she did it every day. Our marriage was an illusion.”
Another survivor shared, “My “aha” moment happened midway through a 30-minute-long rant over a $5 remote. He was screaming insults so close to me and with such force that little drops of spit were landing on my face. It finally clicked. Something isn’t right.”
These kinds of startling moments may break through years of manipulation and denial, prompting survivors to reevaluate their situations.
Realization Takes Time
For most survivors, understanding their abuse is a gradual process. They often need time to connect the dots and identify patterns. A survivor shared: “Over 20 years of confusion! After the final brutal discard, I learned the language of abuse. It took me 8.5 years to call it what it was, and another two years to leave.”
Another reflected: “For 30 years I kept thinking if I just did better or acted differently or something that it would change, until I realized this year it's never going to change and I had to move on for my own well-being.”
For some, therapy, education, or unexpected events bring clarity. As one survivor explained, “When I learned the meaning of ‘trauma bond,’ all the pieces fell into place.” One woman said that she discovered she was experiencing abuse after consulting an app on her phone, “When I was using the artificial intelligence app and explaining my relationship it pointed out it was coercive control - something I knew nothing about. Since then, I’ve looked into it and was sickened to my stomach to see that the AI app was right!”
Leaving an abusive relationship is only the beginning of a long journey of healing. Survivors may spend years processing the trauma and unlearning harmful patterns. One woman said, “It’s been two years of therapy, and I’m still uncovering coercive and abusive behaviors I didn’t recognize at the time. Breaking cycles is a long, painful process.”
The Significance of Support and Awareness
Survivors stress the importance of awareness and validation in recognizing abuse. One shared:
“I didn’t know what I was experiencing was abuse until a friend looked me in the eye and said, ‘This isn’t just unhealthy; it’s abuse.’ Her words planted a seed that eventually grew into the courage to leave.”
Another pointed out the broader impact of abuse: “Abuse doesn’t just harm the victim; it shapes the world our children grow up in. Recognizing it is the first step to breaking the cycle—for ourselves and future generations.”
Moving Forward
Recognizing abuse is a deeply personal and often prolonged journey. Survivors face manipulation, fear, and societal pressures that make clarity difficult to achieve. However, each moment of validation and understanding builds the foundation for leaving.
Leaving is not the conclusion—it marks the beginning of recovery. Support networks, education, and advocacy are vital in helping survivors reclaim their lives and break free from cycles of abuse.
Featured Image: It may take survivors years to recognize the abuse they endured in their relationships. Source: didesign / Adobe Stock.
“I am so grateful for you posting these. There is rarely any kind of validation to be found when it comes to emotional abuse. I seek out daily reminders from those I’d never have to explain anything to. You’re one of those places for me.”
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My daughter, my youngest, was 12 years old, 19 years into the marriage. I was looking at her one day and thought: if she believes this is the way a husband is, and if she grows up and marries someone like her father, I will die.
A counselor said: why is it not ok for her, but it’s ok for you?
That was the moment for me. We are 13 years post divorce, and she is married to a man who cherishes her. And I also know what that feels like now. It’s not ok for any of us.
It’s important to note that even as the term coercive control has started to make its way into family courts, into family court legislature, it is still not understood or even believed.
Worse—no matter what many protective parents do to educate the court, it’s the abusers to USE coercive control to CONVINCE the family court that the survivor is the narcissistic abuser!
So important to go into family court knowing and being ready for that.