When “Just Joking” Hurts: How Verbal Abuse Can Hide Behind Humour

Humour matters in relationships. Laughing together, teasing gently, sharing in-jokes and silly moments can build closeness and make life feel lighter. Many healthy couples use humour as a way to connect, soften stress, and feel like a team. But not all jokes are harmless, and not all laughter is shared.

For many survivors, verbal abuse does not begin with shouting or obvious cruelty. It starts quietly, wrapped in humour, sarcasm, or teasing. A comment about your body followed by a laugh. A cutting remark disguised as banter. A joke that leaves you feeling small, embarrassed, or unsettled, while you are told you are overreacting.

This kind of behaviour is particularly difficult to recognise because humour is normal in relationships. It can take a long time to trust your own discomfort, especially when the other person insists they meant no harm. But jokes that repeatedly hurt you, target your vulnerabilities, or make you doubt your reactions are not harmless.

This article explores how verbal abuse can hide behind jokes and sarcasm, what it looks like in everyday life, and why your feelings about it matter.

When Humour Stops Feeling Safe

A healthy joke leaves both people smiling. Even playful teasing has an underlying sense of care and mutual respect. When humour becomes abusive, the dynamic changes. You may notice that you are laughing along to avoid tension, rather than because you find it funny. You might feel a small knot in your stomach when your partner starts joking in public, unsure what will be said next.

One survivor described it this way: “He would make a joke at my expense and then he would laugh, but if I didn’t laugh too, he’d then storm out of the room and tell me that I take everything too seriously. I started doubting my own reactions and thought I must just be overreacting.”

Abusive humour often works by doing two things at once. First, it delivers a put-down, criticism, or threat. Then it immediately dismisses your reaction by dismissing it as ‘just a joke’. This leaves you confused, off balance, and less likely to challenge what was said the next time.

Public Jokes That Humiliate You

One common pattern is joking at your expense in front of other people. These comments might focus on your appearance, intelligence, abilities, or personality. They may be framed as light-hearted observations, but they land as humiliating. For example, they may say at a dinner party you’re hosting, “Their cooking is, well, let’s just say we keep the takeaway menus handy for a reason!”

Their ‘joke’ might be laughed off as banter, but when you feel embarrassed or exposed, and your discomfort is ignored or mocked, something deeper is happening.

If you show that you are upset, the focus often shifts to your reaction rather than the comment itself. You might be told you cannot take a joke, that you are too sensitive, or that you are ruining the mood. Sometimes your discomfort is highlighted even more, with laughter directed at how you reacted rather than what was said.

This creates a situation where you feel unable to speak up. So you learn to stay quiet, smile, or laugh along, even when it hurts. The joke becomes a way of controlling the room and silencing you.

One woman described how her partner would humiliate her in front of friends: “He would wait until we were with friends. Then he would make comments about me that sounded funny on the surface, but they were embarrassing for me. If I looked uncomfortable, he would say, ‘See, this is what I have to deal with,’ and then laugh. I learned it was safer not to react at all.”

Targeting Your Vulnerabilities

Abusive humour often targets things you have shared in trust. You might open up about an insecurity, a fear, or even a subject you’re passionate about, only to hear it turned into a joke later.

You may talk about struggling with your weight and later hear a comment about needing to watch what you eat. You may share concerns about sexism or fairness, only to be met with sarcastic remarks that mock your beliefs. These jokes draw directly from what the abuser knows will hurt.

When your vulnerabilities become their punchlines, it tells you that your feelings are not safe with this person. It also teaches you to stop sharing, to keep parts of yourself hidden, and to doubt whether you are allowed to feel hurt at all.

One survivor explained: “I told him once that my weight was something I felt sensitive about. Months later, he would make little comments and laugh. When I got upset, he said I was imagining it.”

Derogatory Pet Names

Pet names can be affectionate, playful, and loving. But they can also be used as a subtle form of verbal abuse. Nicknames that sound harmless can carry a mocking or belittling edge, especially when they reduce you to a stereotype or dismiss your competence.

Names like “little miss perfect” may sound playful, but are often used to criticise or mock. “My little helper” can imply that you are only capable of small, insignificant tasks. Other nicknames may trivialise your emotions, intelligence, or independence.

Sexualised nicknames like ‘baby doll’, ‘kitten’ or ‘sexy legs’, can also be problematic when they make you uncomfortable or objectified, particularly if you have asked for them to stop. When a partner continues to use names you dislike, it shows a lack of respect for your boundaries.

The key question is how the name makes you feel, and whether your discomfort is taken seriously. An emotionally healthy partner will respect your feelings. Humour that ignores your boundaries is not affectionate.

Jokes That Carry a Dangerous Edge

One of the most unsettling forms of abusive humour is when jokes involve threats or simulated violence. These moments are often brushed off as playful, but they leave you feeling unsafe.

A partner might pretend to throw a punch, stop short, and then laugh. They might joke about pushing you when you are near a ledge, or make comments about how easily something could be made to look like an accident. When you react with fear or discomfort, you are told you are being dramatic.

These jokes blur the line between humour and intimidation. They keep you on edge, reminding you of the power imbalance in the relationship. Even if no physical violence occurs, the fear itself is a form of control.

As one survivor said: “We were out walking the dogs, and we stopped at a viewing point on a cliff edge. He said to me, ‘Just one push and I’d never have to listen to your nagging again’ and then looked at me with a smirk. I laughed it off at first but something in me felt cold. I realised later that my body knew the danger before my mind did. About a year after that, he did become really violent and he ended up getting arrested.”

Why This Kind of Abuse Is So Confusing

Verbal abuse disguised as humour is hard to name because it rarely looks like abuse in the way people expect. There are no obvious insults shouted in anger. Instead, there are smiles, smirks, laughter, and plausible deniability.

This makes it easy for the abuser to rewrite events. If you challenge them, they can claim you misunderstood, that they were joking, or that you are too sensitive. Over time, you may begin to question your own perceptions and emotional responses.

This confusion is part of how control is maintained. When you are busy doubting yourself, you are less likely to trust your instincts or assert your boundaries.

Trusting Your Feelings

Real humour connects rather than controls. It feels safe, mutual, playful, and kind. It does not require you to shrink yourself, silence your feelings, or doubt your reality. If jokes consistently leave you feeling hurt, confused, or on edge, that feeling matters. You do not need to prove malicious intent for your experience to be valid.

Pay attention to patterns rather than isolated moments. Ask yourself whether the humour flows both ways, whether your boundaries are respected, and whether your discomfort is taken seriously. Notice how you feel in your body after these interactions. If something feels wrong, it probably is. You are allowed to trust your instincts, even when the harm is disguised as a joke.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.