One day I stood up for myself and ignored the places my abuser wanted me to go (this took place in my grandma's house; I wouldn't follow her to rooms with doors on them or no people around) and she got mad and wouldn't talk to me. I felt really bad because I don't like when people are mad at me and didn't know what to do. I ended up giving in all over again...
Point is, stand up for yourself PLEASE. It doesn't matter if they don't like you anymore, that's better than them abusing you.
(By the way for clarification the abuser was my cousin)
How do you stand up for yourself when you can't even recognize what's happening? What happens when you don't have the basic knowledge to realize that you're under abuse?
Well I didn't really think of it as abuse I just got tired of it and I wanted a break. I think maybe it was that day I realized maybe it would be harder than I thought to pull away than I originally thought. I'm going to be honest, she had me addicted for a long time. I never considered it abuse until after I truly realized it wasn't right and that I was also being emotionally dragged into this in ways I couldn't pull away from.
I think in cases of abuse it's hard to stand up for yourself in fear of getting harmed. Someone might not understand its abuse but when you understand something isn't sitting right with you, thats the time you should get out of the situation. If you consider "If I needed/wanted to, could I get out of this easily? Would they let me go or would they push back in a way I wouldn't like?" And the answer is "No, I can't get out of this and they will push back." That's when you have a problem.
In some cases it's a friend who helps you realize that you're in an abusive relationship if you're too stubborn. You can ask a friend or therapist for their thoughts too.
#7 is why my (estranged) husband completely stopped being interested in having sex that I was consciously aware of as soon as I had a radical hysterectomy.
I’m 2 years post separation from a physically and sexually violent coercive controller, I’m physically safe, I have a therapist qualified in trauma and dissociation and I’m starting to remember stuff.
I didn’t just change the rules of the game.
I said, without any shame, “I’m walking away and I’m taking my fucking ball with me”.
I'm so sorry for everything you've endured. It must have been deeply painful to have intimacy withdrawn like that, especially after going through something where you deserved care, closeness, and support. Unfortunately your example shows how for abusers, sex is all about access, ownership, and control.
I'm so glad you are physically safe now and have trauma-informed support around you. And I love the strength in your final line. It's very clear how much you reclaimed your power 💛
Thank you for this. It’s more common than we will ever know. My ex-h would pay no attention to me for months and once said ‘A man has rights over his wife’ when wanting his once in a blue moon bunk up, for want of a better expression. ‘Not on this planet and not in this century, he doesn’t,’ I said. And I was lucky I was safe from him physically at that point but it didn’t become illegal to rape your wife until 1991 in the UK. It’s still in their psyche - the entitlement - and it is so emotionally and psychologically damaging and insulting. Articles like this will raise awareness and help women get out. ❤️
I would list an additional tool: cancelling sex entirely. My abuser simply ignored me as a woman, he had no desire to initiate sexual contacts with me, specifically after I gave birth. no explanations were given. To my questions and requests to try therapy to improve the marriage the answer was always negative: he denied any issue and pretended all was good, adding that I would have certainly outworded / had the best on him if we had gone to therapy. With hindsight, I realize now he had sexual issues from the beginning, I simply was compensating and brushing all off as something we’d get over with in time.
Yes, this tactic is rarely talked about, yet it was exactly what I experienced too, rather than the opposite (i.e. sexual coercion). I'm so sorry he subjected you to that. It can leave you with very deep wounds.
One day I stood up for myself and ignored the places my abuser wanted me to go (this took place in my grandma's house; I wouldn't follow her to rooms with doors on them or no people around) and she got mad and wouldn't talk to me. I felt really bad because I don't like when people are mad at me and didn't know what to do. I ended up giving in all over again...
Point is, stand up for yourself PLEASE. It doesn't matter if they don't like you anymore, that's better than them abusing you.
(By the way for clarification the abuser was my cousin)
How do you stand up for yourself when you can't even recognize what's happening? What happens when you don't have the basic knowledge to realize that you're under abuse?
Well I didn't really think of it as abuse I just got tired of it and I wanted a break. I think maybe it was that day I realized maybe it would be harder than I thought to pull away than I originally thought. I'm going to be honest, she had me addicted for a long time. I never considered it abuse until after I truly realized it wasn't right and that I was also being emotionally dragged into this in ways I couldn't pull away from.
I think in cases of abuse it's hard to stand up for yourself in fear of getting harmed. Someone might not understand its abuse but when you understand something isn't sitting right with you, thats the time you should get out of the situation. If you consider "If I needed/wanted to, could I get out of this easily? Would they let me go or would they push back in a way I wouldn't like?" And the answer is "No, I can't get out of this and they will push back." That's when you have a problem.
In some cases it's a friend who helps you realize that you're in an abusive relationship if you're too stubborn. You can ask a friend or therapist for their thoughts too.
#7 is why my (estranged) husband completely stopped being interested in having sex that I was consciously aware of as soon as I had a radical hysterectomy.
I’m 2 years post separation from a physically and sexually violent coercive controller, I’m physically safe, I have a therapist qualified in trauma and dissociation and I’m starting to remember stuff.
I didn’t just change the rules of the game.
I said, without any shame, “I’m walking away and I’m taking my fucking ball with me”.
I'm so sorry for everything you've endured. It must have been deeply painful to have intimacy withdrawn like that, especially after going through something where you deserved care, closeness, and support. Unfortunately your example shows how for abusers, sex is all about access, ownership, and control.
I'm so glad you are physically safe now and have trauma-informed support around you. And I love the strength in your final line. It's very clear how much you reclaimed your power 💛
Thank you for this. It’s more common than we will ever know. My ex-h would pay no attention to me for months and once said ‘A man has rights over his wife’ when wanting his once in a blue moon bunk up, for want of a better expression. ‘Not on this planet and not in this century, he doesn’t,’ I said. And I was lucky I was safe from him physically at that point but it didn’t become illegal to rape your wife until 1991 in the UK. It’s still in their psyche - the entitlement - and it is so emotionally and psychologically damaging and insulting. Articles like this will raise awareness and help women get out. ❤️
I would list an additional tool: cancelling sex entirely. My abuser simply ignored me as a woman, he had no desire to initiate sexual contacts with me, specifically after I gave birth. no explanations were given. To my questions and requests to try therapy to improve the marriage the answer was always negative: he denied any issue and pretended all was good, adding that I would have certainly outworded / had the best on him if we had gone to therapy. With hindsight, I realize now he had sexual issues from the beginning, I simply was compensating and brushing all off as something we’d get over with in time.
Yes, this tactic is rarely talked about, yet it was exactly what I experienced too, rather than the opposite (i.e. sexual coercion). I'm so sorry he subjected you to that. It can leave you with very deep wounds.
I addressed this exact tactic in the article about withholding sex. Here it is if you haven't seen it: https://shadowsofcontrol.substack.com/p/withholding-intimacy