Rules for Thee but Not for Me! Abusers and Their Double Standards

Double standards are a common feature of abusive relationships, fostering a one-sided power dynamic where the abuser enforces contradictory and unfair rules to maintain control. Victims are often left struggling with the blatant hypocrisy and the emotional toll of these unreasonable expectations. In this article, survivors share their experiences of double standards in their relationship, revealing the deep frustration and pain these contradictions caused them.

One-Sided Rules to Favor the Abuser

In abusive relationships, the rules are always unfairly stacked. One partner is expected to go above and beyond to meet impossible expectations, while the other feels entitled to do whatever they want without question.

• "He would get so angry if he had to wait at the curb at the airport for a few minutes. But it was OK if I had to circle the airport over and over before he was at the curb for pickup."

• "I had to communicate better, yet they sucked at communication. I had to do so much for them, yet the couple of things I asked for weren’t even acknowledged or considered."

• "He could go anywhere without telling me, yet I would have to disclose every place I was going to."

These double standards are exhausting and dehumanizing. One partner feels trapped in a constant cycle of trying to measure up, while the other ignores the very rules they enforce. It’s a relentless imbalance that erodes their sense of self and leaves them feeling powerless.

Financial Control as a Weapon

In many abusive relationships, money often becomes a way to dominate and control. Abusers set up financial rules that keep them in charge while denying their partners even the smallest financial freedom.

• "When married, my now ex-husband said his bonus was only for himself and not for joint purchases or expenses. Then when I got a bonus, I spent it on myself... and he was furious! But it was his stated policy!"

• "His money was his money. My money was our money."

• “He had ‘budgets’ for his free time. He didn’t even allow provisional sums for clothing or hobbies for me and the children.”

By controlling every penny, abusers make sure their partners feel powerless and stuck, with no way to regain their independence.

Restricting Social Freedoms

Isolation is another way abusers use double standards to maintain control. While they come and go as they please, keeping full social freedom, their partners often find themselves under strict rules about who they can see and when.

• "He could keep in contact with any female from his past, including ones he had been intimate with. I had to stop all communication and delete any male who was not related to me, even lifelong friends."

• "I wasn’t allowed to look at any of his social media without it starting a fight, while he had people screenshotting mine for him."

The unfairness of this creates deep hurt and pain for the partner facing these restrictions. Meanwhile, the abuser continues to enjoy unrestricted freedom, maintaining relationships on their own terms without consequence.

Fidelity and Hypocrisy

Double standards around fidelity are a painful reality in many abusive relationships. Victims often find themselves held to impossible standards of loyalty, while their abuser feels entitled to do whatever they want without question.

• "I can barely speak to any woman without being accused of adultery. Yet she failed to accept my exasperation when listening to her telling me how she and a male colleague had thoroughly enjoyed the spa facilities on a recent overnight business trip together!"

• "He was mid-affair with a woman in the UK. I was trying to work out if I should stay or go, so I asked if he still wanted me. He said he did. Then he took me for a drive and asked me not to see any other men."

This behavior cuts especially deep because it’s a slap in the face to the trust and loyalty the victim has worked so hard to give. They’re accused, restricted, and constantly walking on eggshells, while the abuser breaks every rule they’ve forced on their partner.

Parenting as a Tool of Power

Parenting often becomes another battleground in abusive relationships. Abusers create rules that serve their own needs while imposing harsh restrictions on their partner’s role as a parent.

• "His attitude was: I can take our daughter to get ice cream, you cannot."

• "He would spend hundreds on flashy toys and gifts for the kids, making sure everyone knew how generous he was. But if I so much as bought them a small treat, like a sweet or a book, he’d fly into a rage, accusing me of wasting money and undermining him."

By controlling how and when the safe parent can engage with the kids, or by undermining their authority, abusers plant seeds of doubt and confusion in the children. This can destabilize the children’s trust in the one parent who is trying to protect them. It’s a calculated strategy that harms the entire family, leaving the victim trapped and the children caught in the middle of a manipulative power play.

Everyday Contradictions

Double standards in abusive relationships often seep into the smallest, most mundane moments, leaving victims feeling stripped of agency in their daily lives.

• "I was not allowed music on if we were all in the car. But if he went out, he had it blaring the minute he turned the key—full volume, letting me know he was in charge."

• "You better be there the exact moment they need you, but you have to wait on them at their earliest convenience."

• "He would yell at me all the time, but if I so much as raised my voice, he would call me crazy and insane."

These everyday imbalances are carefully crafted to reinforce who holds the power. Over time, they erode a person’s confidence and autonomy, leaving them feeling diminished, silenced, and entirely controlled.

Projection

Projection allows abusers to shift responsibility for their own actions onto their partners, creating a toxic environment of mistrust and confusion.

• "Having conversations with other people—he would freak out if he wasn’t privy. It automatically became a cheating scenario... regardless of the sex of the other person. It was insecurities and projection."

• "He could hook up in hotel rooms. I couldn’t even text with the opposite sex without getting punched in the head."

By projecting their own fears, guilt, and wrongdoing onto their partners, abusers dodge accountability and tighten their grip of control. It leaves victims constantly defending themselves against accusations that aren’t rooted in reality, further cementing the abuser's power over them.

Understanding Double Standards

Seeing the double standards for what they are is an important step in taking back control of your life. For many survivors, there comes a moment of clarity when the scales fall away, and the unjust, one-sided nature of the rules becomes undeniable.

Those "rules" were never about fairness or respect; they were about maintaining power, keeping the abuser in control, and silencing their partner’s voice. Understanding this can be both painful and liberating. It’s not easy to face the reality of manipulation, but it’s also the first step toward breaking free.

Featured Image: Double standards are common in controlling and abusive relationships. Source: Jesse Bettencourt/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.