How Abusers Alternate Kindness and Cruelty to Keep You Hooked

Domestic abuse is often misrepresented. Many believe it consists solely of constant mistreatment and pain, but the reality is far more insidious. Abusers frequently oscillate between acts of kindness and cruelty, creating a bewildering emotional experience. This pattern of extreme highs and lows underpins trauma bonds—also known as trauma-coerced attachment—a psychological mechanism that keeps you trapped in the relationship.

The Dual Personality of Abusers

If abuse were unrelenting, it would be easier to recognize. However, abusers frequently display a “Jekyll and Hyde” personality, unpredictably shifting between warmth and hostility. The moments of affection foster hope and keep you emotionally entangled in the relationship.

“If abusers were bad all the time, we’d have left them or not gotten attached or trauma bonded with them! They’re often very good and can be so kind, in between the abuse,” one survivor explained.

Another survivor shared, “That’s what made it so hard to leave. If they were horrible all the time, you wouldn’t stay. But it’s the intermittent reinforcement that keeps you stuck. Once you realize the niceness is just an act and everything they do is self-serving, it’s easier to see through it.”

Their acts of kindness are not genuine but are calculated strategies to maintain control and prevent you from leaving them.

Understanding the Formation of Trauma Bonds

The cycle of abuse and affection not only confuses, but also creates a powerful emotional connection known as a trauma bond, or trauma-coerced attachment. Victims often feel their abuser is both the source of their suffering and their only source of comfort. Over time, this attachment becomes so intense that leaving the relationship feels insurmountable, even when you recognize its toxicity.

One survivor described their ordeal: “It’s the rollercoaster of them being kind and loving, then becoming abusive. We hang on to the nice parts, believing that’s their true self and maybe they’ll improve.”

Another woman shared, "Every time I was on the verge of leaving, he’d suddenly become the man I fell in love with—kind, apologetic, even romantic. Those moments felt like proof things could change, but they were just breadcrumbs keeping me trapped in the cycle of hope and hurt."

The Addictive Cycle of Abuse

Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological principle where rewards are given unpredictably, making them more compelling and addictive. After periods of cruelty or neglect, an abuser’s sudden display of warmth triggers a release of dopamine - the brain’s reward chemical – bringing feelings of relief and hope. Conversely, during the “lows” of abuse, you endure feelings of withdrawal, such as fear and anxiety. This cycle creates a dependency where you constantly seek the next “reward” of affection.

“When we are deprived of our basic needs, and then we get a breadcrumb of affection, there is a dopamine surge. The cycle itself becomes addictive. And when we leave, it’s a powerful withdrawal that seeks relief by the abuser,” one survivor explained.

Breaking free from this pattern is extremely challenging. Individuals must overcome both the psychological conditioning and the addictive cycle of highs and lows that ties them to the abuser.

Escaping the Cycle and Rebuilding

To break free from a trauma bond, a person must recognize the manipulative tactics used by the abuser and understand that moments of kindness are not genuine. Many survivors recall a pivotal moment of clarity when they saw through the cycle of abuse and affection.

"The moment I realized his kindness wasn’t love, but a manipulative tactic to keep me hooked, everything changed,” one survivor shared. “It was painful to face the truth, but it was also liberating. That clarity gave me the strength to rebuild a life where I no longer accepted crumbs as love."

Recovery from a trauma bond requires unlearning the patterns that conditioned you to accept minimal affection as sufficient. Therapy, support groups, and education about abuse dynamics are crucial for rebuilding self-esteem and setting healthy boundaries.

Empathizing with Survivors’ Experiences

For outsiders, it can be hard to understand why someone stays in an abusive relationship. A common misconception is that victims are “co-dependent” or weak, but this perspective ignores the intense psychological and emotional forces at work.

“Those who don’t understand abuse think we would hate people for doing it to us,” one survivor explained. “And, in a sense, we do want to leave, but we can’t resist the bonds they create in us. It’s not co-dependency; they rely on the umbilical cord they tie us to them.”

Survivors need understanding, not judgment or blame. Recognizing the strategies abusers use to exert control is essential for supporting victims of abuse.

Featured Image: Domestic abusers use cycles of kindness and cruelty to create trauma bonds in relationships. Source: inesbazdar / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.