For Survivors of Abuse, Anger Isn’t Destructive—It’s Liberating

Anger is often viewed as something negative—an emotion we’re supposed to control or avoid. Survivors of abuse are frequently encouraged to remain calm, stay composed, and jump to forgiveness if they hope to move forward. But abuse leaves behind a range of powerful emotions, from sorrow and heartbreak to rage and fury. When we’re taught that these feelings—especially anger—are wrong, negative, or shameful, it can block a vital part of the healing process. For many survivors, embracing anger is a turning point.

Anger isn’t the enemy. It’s a signal—an inner voice shouting, “That crossed a line. That wasn’t okay.”

Many survivors have shared how crucial it was for them to acknowledge this emotion. One person said, “It wasn’t until I let myself feel the anger that I stopped trying to make sense of it all. I was finally able to name what happened as abuse.” Another individual added, “I spent years trying to forgive too soon. What I needed was to feel angry, to feel all of it, before I could even begin to heal.”

When Survivors Silence Their Anger

Long before abuse ever starts, many people—especially women—are taught that showing anger makes them rude, dramatic, or ungrateful. In abusive relationships, these beliefs are made stronger and weaponized. Survivors are often made to feel that their reactions are the issue, not the abuse itself.

“I wasn’t even allowed to be upset,” one survivor said. “If I cried or looked angry, he’d mock me or threaten to leave. So I just went numb.” Another shared, “My abusive ex would regularly go into rages, but if I showed even the slightest hint of anger, he’d call me crazy, insane, or mentally unstable. I learnt to shut down my anger because it was the safest option.”

This habit of burying anger creates a kind of emotional pressure cooker—until that pressure either collapses into depression or erupts into rage.

The Bias Against Angry Survivors

When survivors speak with grief, they’re often met with compassion. But when they speak with anger—raw, justified anger—they’re often met with discomfort, silence, or judgment.

“When I finally told someone I was furious about what he did, they told me I needed to let it go. But I hadn’t even had space to feel it yet,” one woman explained.

Another added, “People don’t know what to do with angry survivors. But if they’d lived through what we did, they’d be angry too.”

This discomfort reflects a deeper problem: society prefers survivors to appear wounded and quiet—not powerful and outspoken. But reclaiming anger is a form of reclaiming power.

Anger Can be a Sign of Recovery

Despite what we’re taught, many trauma professionals recognize that anger can be a healthy sign. In the early stages, survivors often internalize blame. Anger, when it arrives, often marks the moment they stop blaming themselves and start holding the abuser accountable.

“The first time I allowed myself to say, ‘He hurt me on purpose,’ I cried for hours. But they weren’t sad tears—they were angry ones. And they were freeing,” one survivor wrote.

Another shared, “It was only when I got angry that I stopped trying to fix him and started protecting myself.”

Anger can be clarifying. It validates that what happened was not okay. It pushes survivors from self-doubt toward self-respect—and toward action.

You’re Allowed to Feel What You Feel

For many people, especially those raised with strong religious or cultural beliefs, feeling anger can bring guilt. They may have been taught that anger is sinful, or that “good” people don’t express it. But the truth is that all emotions are valid.

“I grew up thinking anger was unholy. But now I think not feeling it was the real harm,” one survivor said. Another echoed that sentiment: “I had to learn that anger wasn’t a failure of healing. It was the healing.”

Whether you write a letter you never send, scream into a pillow, hit a punching bag, run it out on a treadmill, or just tell someone, “I’m mad as hell”—letting yourself express anger in safe, intentional ways can help release the pain that’s been buried for too long.

When Anger Feels Dangerous

Some survivors fear their own anger. They worry it will overwhelm them or that they’ll become like the person who hurt them. That fear is understandable—but it’s also worth unpacking. Survivor anger is rooted in truth and pain. It’s not the same as the violent rage used to control others.

“I was afraid that if I felt the anger, I’d become someone else,” one woman said. “But I didn’t. I became more me than I’d been in years.” Another explained the difference between their anger and the abuse, “His anger destroyed. Mine restored.”

Feeling anger doesn’t mean you’ll hurt others. It can be private and deeply healing. It isn’t about seeking revenge—it’s about reclaiming your sense of self.

Using Anger to Rebuild

Once acknowledged and processed, anger can become a force for transformation. Survivors often harness it as motivation: to speak out, set boundaries, or support others in similar situations.

“My anger got me out,” one survivor said. “But it also got me through.” Another reflected, “I used to feel guilty about being angry. Now I see it was my inner protector all along.”

When survivors stop apologizing for their anger, they often discover it’s a source of power they didn’t know they had. That once-silenced fire can become a guiding light.

Anger after abuse is not something to be feared. It’s something to honor. It’s the part of you that resisted harm, that refused to be erased or silenced.

Feeling angry doesn’t mean you’re stuck in the past—it often means you’re stepping into your future. When a survivor makes space to feel anger safely, something powerful can follow: peace.

Featured Image: Feeling angry after abuse is normal and it’s healthy to work through that emotion. Source: stokkete / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.