Guest Post: The Art of Boundaries - Building the Structure You Need to Thrive

This week I’m delighted to share this guest piece by Rayann Gordon on the art of rebuilding boundaries after abuse. Rayann is currently completing an MSc in Psychology of Coercive Control at the University of Salford and researches the mental health needs of cult survivors at the University of Victoria. Alongside her academic work, she supports people recovering from spiritual abuse and coercive dynamics. You can find her on Substack at Chest Full of Stars.

Boundaries are part of the soil that you grow within. A person who is trying to subjugate you will systematically undermine most or all of your boundaries in an attempt to change who you are entirely. People experiencing coercive control find it difficult or unsafe to articulate boundaries out loud or even to themselves, which is a completely natural response to the mistreatment they are experiencing.

The good news though, is that boundaries can come back online, and rather than being exhausting defenses that you have to hold up, become the very organic structures that guide and shape your new life.

I consider boundaries to be a living art form. If you imagine them visually as protective structures around you, what would they look like? They could be made of clay, ice, or water; they can shift in texture and quality depending on what you need. A metal wall of a boundary might serve you powerfully in one situation, while a cobweb (delicate, visible, and purposeful) may be all that’s required in another.

You are the artist here, and boundaries are the structures you choose for your life and spirit to thrive. You get to create them and update them as your life unfolds, honoring the situations that arise in your life as well as the needs you have now. After abuse, boundaries are essential for healing. In an ongoing way, they are essential for healthy, reciprocal relationships.

Below is a practice for creating a new boundary system. For those living in abusive relationships, this practice is intended for people who are not in immediate danger. You may need to leave before you can do this practice fully and safely.

Part 1: Identifying the NOs

Make sure you are in a safe space.

While journaling or on a contemplative walk, ask yourself: what are truly NOs for me now?

Write down the answers and be specific. Make a list.

Don’t worry if it is clunky at first, it’s like picking up a pen to draw when you haven’t had the opportunity to draw for years. Perhaps you only get one or two that come to mind. That is no problem. There is no magic number of boundaries and even articulating one clearly is life changing. Also, once you open the door, more will come and they will be specific to you.

For example, when I left my abusive guru, one of my NOs was “I won’t let any man teach me spiritual embodiment practices” To this day, male spiritual teachers teaching women how to be in their bodies is simply a NO for me.

Once you have your list of boundaries, put it somewhere visible where you are going to see it several times a day, like your fridge or near your computer. Just as you were constantly reminded of the old boundary system in the abusive relationship you were in (who is allowed to have boundaries and who is not), you may need to actively remind yourself of this new one for a while. See how it feels to rest your eyes on these boundaries and read them.

After a week or two, check in: do any need adjusting, refining, or releasing? Is each one something that excites you, calms you, or fortifies you? Are they things that feel far away, but pique your curiosity?

These boundaries are YOURS. Craft them with care as they become part of the template for the new life you are building.

Part 2: Embodying the NOs Ritual

There is a magic to speaking things aloud that I can’t quite explain, except that it changes things, especially when speaking with intention and in connection to your body or your heart.

When you look at the boundary list and it feels right to you, not imposed on you, but really right for you at this moment in time, it’s a good time to ritually embody it.

If you have a spiritual practice you can call upon the benevolent beings who you consider supportive to be witnesses here - perhaps a deity, loving ancestors, the tree in your garden that you visited through hard times. You can create a sacred space with a candle or any other set up that feels right to you to acknowledge that you are marking an occasion and inner and outer change is happening now.

If none of that appeals to you, you can also just practice speaking them aloud. Make sure you have a good 20+ minutes undisturbed though so you can take the time to feel your boundaries being brought further to life.

As you read the list aloud, listen to the power of your own voice. Shaky or not, giving your boundaries voice is powerful.

You can sense or imagine the words moving through your body then rippling outward into the space around you like sound waves or light.

Repeat as many times as you need to and stop when you feel something has changed.

If you are working with a tree, ancestor, deity, or guide, thank them for witnessing you.

Then see how it goes over the next few weeks in your life. Do any of them need tweaking? Both parts of this practice can be repeated any time you feel you need an upgrade.

Once your NOs are established and embodied to protect your space, you can make clearer choices about the seeds that you want to grow in that space.

The same ritual you did for NOs can be repeated to identify and embody your YESes.

I personally spent months with my NOs before I felt ready for the YESes, it may have even been years! You might be ready sooner or you might need more time.

Part 3: Identify true YESes

While journalling or on a contemplative walk, ask yourself: What kinds of relationships do I want in my life now? What are my YESes?

See what comes and notice how each word feels. Write them down. Don’t worry if they sound simple or very specific to you or if you only have two or 122.

An example of one of mine that emerged was a big huge YES to reciprocal relationships. That doesn’t mean that to be my friend you have to send me 3 emails if I send you 3 emails. But it means that there is a sense of balance that I now hold as sacred in all my relationships. This couldn’t exist when I was working for an abusive spiritual teacher.

Again, keep this list of YES somewhere visible and tweak the language until when you read it yourself you feel really good about each and every YES on the list.

Part 4: Embodying the YESes ritual

Again, If you have a spiritual practice you can call upon the benevolent beings who you consider supportive to be witnesses here - perhaps a deity, loving ancestors, a favorite tree. You can create a sacred space with a candle or any other set up that feels right to you to acknowledge that you are marking an occasion and inner and outer change is happening now.

You can also just speak them aloud. Listen to the power of your own voice.

Sense or imagine the words moving through your body then rippling outward into the space around you like sound waves or light. This is the new life you are creating. You are laying the ground for it right now.

Repeat as many times as you need to and stop when you feel something has changed.

Find a way to close by offering thanks, blowing out your candle, or maybe have a little dance party for yourself. You have just planted the seeds of the life you are willing to grow into good, healthy soil.

An example of these practices in action

A friend of a friend contacted me to ask if I could hook her up with a place to stay in another country so she could go to see the spiritual teacher who she is obviously starry eyed over. While I’m not opposed to spiritual practice or teachers, I declined, because it didn’t feel right, and I didn’t know her well enough to have her stay with my friends.

She pushed harder, increasing the intensity of the ask, including my partner on the emails, and leaving long voice messages repeating her ask.

She had stepped over my initial NO.

I decided I had enough flexibility in my system to make my NO clearer for her. I explained that my friends in that country had experienced spiritual abuse, and sending someone I didn’t know well to their doorstep to support her relationship with her new (and controversial) guru, wasn’t kind or appropriate and I wasn’t going to do it.

She ignored the second NO and explanation, and asked again, also sending a separate additional email to my husband as though he might cave.

At that point, I decided not to respond, and that if she and I ever say more than hello to each other at a party, I will need to name the impact of her behavior, which was feeling disrespected. I left it there for now, and thanked my system for bringing the boundary to my attention clearly without any guilt or obligation.

The boundary rose when it was needed, as though popping out of the ocean like a whale, then it receded. Boundaries are magic this way, with practice they become more immediate, coming up to do the work of protecting our spaces and making our values clear just when they are required.

What came forward for me was rooted in this practice. The clear NO to manipulation that I discovered and embodied, which was eventually followed by a year of contemplating and seeding my full body YES to reciprocal relationships.

Both came online easily with this acquaintance, for a relatively painless response to what years ago would have been a very confusing and sticky situation.

I hope that this practice is beneficial for you and would love to hear how it goes.

About the Author

Rayann Gordon is an educator, writer, ritualist, and cult researcher. She is in the second year of her MSc Psychology of Coercive Control program at the University of Salford, UK, and works at the University of Victoria, Canada, as a research assistant on the mental health needs of cult survivors.

For the last nine years of providing spiritual care to clients, she has walked alongside people through grief, loss, initiatory experiences, spiritual abuse recovery, deconstruction, and rebuilding relationships with self, place, and ancestors. She draws upon research, client work, and her own lived experience to support people in reclaiming their freedom.

She lives in Victoria, Canada, on the ancestral lands of the Songhees first nation. You can follow her writing at rayanngordon.substack.com