I still struggle with eating after being free of him for a year and a half. He expected me to eat only what he wrote on the fridge as "food to use up" and if I ate something else when he wasn't around, I would absolutely hear about it. There was a list on the fridge of his approved groceries to buy. One time I went shopping and bought some things not on the list and he didn't speak to me for 3 weeks. If he ever saw anything in the cupboards not from his list I would hear about it- even months later, he would never let anything go about that, ever. I don't want to cook, eat, or shop now at all, I make myself do it to survive but I can't take any joy from any of it.
That's absolutely awful Aster. Such an extreme level of control over food 😔 It is no wonder cooking, eating, and shopping still feel difficult after being subjected to all of that. Your body and mind learned to associate all those things with negative consequences.
I also still struggle with the cooking part sometimes. I lost all joy in something I once enjoyed. But I'm working to form more positive associations, like putting on an interesting audiobook or good music while I cook, or cooking while sipping on a nice glass of wine. It makes it feel a bit more like my own space again. One step at a time!
Thanks. I try sometimes to make those positive associations too, when I have the energy. One day at a time, as you say. I really appreciate your writing here, thank you 🙏
Ah golly, my ex used to call me a black hole because I had an appetite. He would get genuinely pissed off if I ate what we were sharing too quickly. Then he would eat it all quickly without me seeing.
The story about moving into the country made me so sad. That’s so horrible.
Sleep deprivation is literally physical and psychological torture, so I can understand why that was the worst part for you. 😔 So very hard when the fear is not only for yourself, but also for your children.
It's a very long time to have to survive that level of control and abuse. 😔 I relate to the loss of autonomy and confusion you describe. It really does feel insurmountable at times. I'm so glad you're here talking about it 💛
Why did this hit me so hard!?! I know this all happened to me—he did all these things, and he still does them despite us being separated. I remember the lack of having a bed put together for over a year, the withholding of groceries for me but him bringing food for our daughter, the withholding of our daughter’s medical card when I needed to take her to the doctor appointments and him telling me I am making stuff up about her physical issues, as well as her behavioral issues—he was saying that I was trying to “label” our daughter (with regards to her being dx with ADHD), and we had switched insurances so he was not giving me our medical cards. Then with my medical issues, him telling me after I got dx with multiple sclerosis (MS), that he doesn’t care and to tell someone who does… And he would keep switching our insurance every year so I would lose my therapist that I was seeing and really needed to see due to my marital difficulties, etc. All the time he would tell me that I could not drive anywhere other than to/from our daughter’s school, and he would threaten to call the cops and say I had kidnapped our daughter if I went anywhere else. He would also drive by and see if I was there (after he had moved out — he left us but still came daily to torture us), and he would see what I was doing. He always withheld the money and he still continues to do so — withholding of money to me each month. … He gives me very limited funds that is not anything remotely “livable,” yet he makes good money and lives with his mother who pays for everything. I can barely eat but one meal every other day and I have to sometimes ration even that and I starve multiple days. I have had to reuse incontinence pads (a symptom of my MS is urinary incontinence and it is very extreme), and due to my limited funds, it means I forgo medical care. He sold my car, unbeknownst to me, and then he didn’t give me any of the money from it and said it was his car, he refuses to give me half of our tax refunds (for the past 3+ years now), and he got me out of our house (a rental), all this while he took our daughter from me by falsely accusing me of so many things and I was even arrested from this, however there were never any charges put against me — they were dropped (but my arrest is on record and it has messed up my ability to secure a job now), and there is so much more. On and on he continues with this abuse—all the coercive controlling tactics. Our daughter is now 14 years old and she is starting to speak up to me about his controlling and abusive ways to her and it breaks my heart and she just recently started begging me to go to court and I am so in agony because I am without funds to do so and I have been living with my parents who are in so many ways worse than I ever had with him — domestic violence and physical and emotional abuse when I was younger and sadly even still now it is still continuing as a 45 year old adult child of theirs, and so I will not subject my daughter to this toxic house that is far worse than sadly what she is enduring with her father, but I need to do something, also because he is pursuing the divorce (just recently) that he threatened for so many years, and he has had a lawyer but we have only ever had custody hearings and I had to self represent (which it got me nothing, as he still has full custody of our daughter due to his false accusations, etc.), and I do not know how to navigate a divorce “pro se” and he has probably hidden so much of his money, etc as he often did and he used to work for the CA State Franchise Tax Board and he now works for the DOJ and he knows what to do and how to get away with stuff (all the monetarily things, etc.), and this pursuing of a divorce just came about 4 days ago, and I am beyond stressed and scared and worried about my daughter and about me and how do I do this??? And so I just read this post of yours right now and it instantly had me in tears because this was me… It IS me still. Seeing it all here in writing made it all surreal for me—to hear how others have gone through all these things too, and yes, I know others do, I am not unaware, but just having read these very explicit and detailed narratives about the controlling of basic needs — it was so personally triggering for me, and it has left me still reeling with many emotions. Thank you for sharing this. I hope many others read it, and for those who are experiencing these things, and/or for those who may know someone (or suspect it) going through all this, to somehow be able to get help. … I am still trying to figure this out for myself…and for my daughter. God help us.
Rebecca, I am so very sorry this hit you so hard, and especially that you're living through all this. What you've described is an extreme pattern of ongoing control and abuse and it's an incredibly heavy place to be in. No one should ever have to face restriction around food and medical needs like that 😔
I can hear how much you’re trying to hold together for your daughter as well, and how complex the situation is with where you’re living through and the court process. You’re navigating so much at the same time, and without the support you should have.
If you haven’t already, it could really help to reach out to a domestic abuse service in your area. Many of them can support with legal aid, advice around financial abuse, and navigating ongoing coercive control, especially where children are involved. You deserve to have people beside you who understand this and can support you through it.
I’m really glad you shared this here. You don’t have to hold it all in. You can always come here and speak about what you’re going through. Sending all my care 💛
I still struggle with eating after being free of him for a year and a half. He expected me to eat only what he wrote on the fridge as "food to use up" and if I ate something else when he wasn't around, I would absolutely hear about it. There was a list on the fridge of his approved groceries to buy. One time I went shopping and bought some things not on the list and he didn't speak to me for 3 weeks. If he ever saw anything in the cupboards not from his list I would hear about it- even months later, he would never let anything go about that, ever. I don't want to cook, eat, or shop now at all, I make myself do it to survive but I can't take any joy from any of it.
That's absolutely awful Aster. Such an extreme level of control over food 😔 It is no wonder cooking, eating, and shopping still feel difficult after being subjected to all of that. Your body and mind learned to associate all those things with negative consequences.
I also still struggle with the cooking part sometimes. I lost all joy in something I once enjoyed. But I'm working to form more positive associations, like putting on an interesting audiobook or good music while I cook, or cooking while sipping on a nice glass of wine. It makes it feel a bit more like my own space again. One step at a time!
Thanks. I try sometimes to make those positive associations too, when I have the energy. One day at a time, as you say. I really appreciate your writing here, thank you 🙏
Ah golly, my ex used to call me a black hole because I had an appetite. He would get genuinely pissed off if I ate what we were sharing too quickly. Then he would eat it all quickly without me seeing.
The story about moving into the country made me so sad. That’s so horrible.
What an awful thing to have been called 😔 I'm so sorry you were subjected to that abuse and control. I'm really glad you got away.
I think the worst was sleep. It become impossible to sleep, it was slavery and a lot of fear about provisions for myself and the children
Sleep deprivation is literally physical and psychological torture, so I can understand why that was the worst part for you. 😔 So very hard when the fear is not only for yourself, but also for your children.
It took me almost dying on a few occasions to even realise how bad it was
I experienced all of these tactics for over 15+ years and it completely destroyed my sense of autonomy and the confusion is insurmountable
It's a very long time to have to survive that level of control and abuse. 😔 I relate to the loss of autonomy and confusion you describe. It really does feel insurmountable at times. I'm so glad you're here talking about it 💛
Scary sh*t. Been there.
🫂💛
Why did this hit me so hard!?! I know this all happened to me—he did all these things, and he still does them despite us being separated. I remember the lack of having a bed put together for over a year, the withholding of groceries for me but him bringing food for our daughter, the withholding of our daughter’s medical card when I needed to take her to the doctor appointments and him telling me I am making stuff up about her physical issues, as well as her behavioral issues—he was saying that I was trying to “label” our daughter (with regards to her being dx with ADHD), and we had switched insurances so he was not giving me our medical cards. Then with my medical issues, him telling me after I got dx with multiple sclerosis (MS), that he doesn’t care and to tell someone who does… And he would keep switching our insurance every year so I would lose my therapist that I was seeing and really needed to see due to my marital difficulties, etc. All the time he would tell me that I could not drive anywhere other than to/from our daughter’s school, and he would threaten to call the cops and say I had kidnapped our daughter if I went anywhere else. He would also drive by and see if I was there (after he had moved out — he left us but still came daily to torture us), and he would see what I was doing. He always withheld the money and he still continues to do so — withholding of money to me each month. … He gives me very limited funds that is not anything remotely “livable,” yet he makes good money and lives with his mother who pays for everything. I can barely eat but one meal every other day and I have to sometimes ration even that and I starve multiple days. I have had to reuse incontinence pads (a symptom of my MS is urinary incontinence and it is very extreme), and due to my limited funds, it means I forgo medical care. He sold my car, unbeknownst to me, and then he didn’t give me any of the money from it and said it was his car, he refuses to give me half of our tax refunds (for the past 3+ years now), and he got me out of our house (a rental), all this while he took our daughter from me by falsely accusing me of so many things and I was even arrested from this, however there were never any charges put against me — they were dropped (but my arrest is on record and it has messed up my ability to secure a job now), and there is so much more. On and on he continues with this abuse—all the coercive controlling tactics. Our daughter is now 14 years old and she is starting to speak up to me about his controlling and abusive ways to her and it breaks my heart and she just recently started begging me to go to court and I am so in agony because I am without funds to do so and I have been living with my parents who are in so many ways worse than I ever had with him — domestic violence and physical and emotional abuse when I was younger and sadly even still now it is still continuing as a 45 year old adult child of theirs, and so I will not subject my daughter to this toxic house that is far worse than sadly what she is enduring with her father, but I need to do something, also because he is pursuing the divorce (just recently) that he threatened for so many years, and he has had a lawyer but we have only ever had custody hearings and I had to self represent (which it got me nothing, as he still has full custody of our daughter due to his false accusations, etc.), and I do not know how to navigate a divorce “pro se” and he has probably hidden so much of his money, etc as he often did and he used to work for the CA State Franchise Tax Board and he now works for the DOJ and he knows what to do and how to get away with stuff (all the monetarily things, etc.), and this pursuing of a divorce just came about 4 days ago, and I am beyond stressed and scared and worried about my daughter and about me and how do I do this??? And so I just read this post of yours right now and it instantly had me in tears because this was me… It IS me still. Seeing it all here in writing made it all surreal for me—to hear how others have gone through all these things too, and yes, I know others do, I am not unaware, but just having read these very explicit and detailed narratives about the controlling of basic needs — it was so personally triggering for me, and it has left me still reeling with many emotions. Thank you for sharing this. I hope many others read it, and for those who are experiencing these things, and/or for those who may know someone (or suspect it) going through all this, to somehow be able to get help. … I am still trying to figure this out for myself…and for my daughter. God help us.
Rebecca, I am so very sorry this hit you so hard, and especially that you're living through all this. What you've described is an extreme pattern of ongoing control and abuse and it's an incredibly heavy place to be in. No one should ever have to face restriction around food and medical needs like that 😔
I can hear how much you’re trying to hold together for your daughter as well, and how complex the situation is with where you’re living through and the court process. You’re navigating so much at the same time, and without the support you should have.
If you haven’t already, it could really help to reach out to a domestic abuse service in your area. Many of them can support with legal aid, advice around financial abuse, and navigating ongoing coercive control, especially where children are involved. You deserve to have people beside you who understand this and can support you through it.
I’m really glad you shared this here. You don’t have to hold it all in. You can always come here and speak about what you’re going through. Sending all my care 💛