Identifying Verbal Abuse: How to Tell the Difference from Healthy Disagreements

Mar 21, 2024

Every relationship faces its share of disagreements and conflicts, sometimes leading to shouting and name-calling. We all have moments where we lose our temper and say hurtful things that don't truly reflect our feelings. So, what sets a typical argument apart from verbal abuse?

The primary difference lies in the frequency of these heated exchanges and the nature of the insults hurled. In healthy relationships, intense arguments are usually rare and do not characterize the overall dynamic of the relationship. These incidents are seen by both partners as deviations from their normal interactions and typically lead to sincere apologies, constructive conversations about the conflict, and genuine efforts to resolve the issue.

Recognizing Healthy Conflicts vs. Verbal Abuse

According to relationship expert John Gottman, healthy conflicts involve a genuine willingness to understand the other person's perspective and find common ground or compromise (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Such disagreements are typically temporary and centered around specific issues, without harming the relationship’s overall foundation.

In contrast, in an abusive relationship, verbal attacks are frequent and are designed to control, demean, and undermine the other partner. Instead of focusing on a particular behavior or decision, abusers attack the core of who you are. This is a deliberate tactic to exert power and diminish your self-worth.

Patricia Evans, in her seminal work The Verbally Abusive Relationship, clarifies that verbal abuse is a violation, not a conflict: “There is a definite difference between conflict and abuse. In a conflict each participant wants something different. In order to resolve the conflict, the two people in the relationship discuss their wants, needs, and reasons while mutually seeking a creative solution. There may or may not be a solution, but no one forces, dominates, or controls the other.”

Recognizing the Signs of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse often begins subtly, making it challenging for victims to identify it early on. Abusers may initially mask their harmful remarks as jokes or sarcasm, gradually escalating to more explicit insults and demeaning comments over time. This insidious progression traps victims in a cycle of confusion and self-doubt, causing them to question their perception of the abuse and the abuser's intentions. Patricia Evans (1996) highlights the importance of trusting your feelings and instincts in such situations; if the comments or behaviors consistently make you feel belittled or worthless, it’s a strong indicator of verbal abuse.

Moreover, verbal abusers frequently use tactics like blame-shifting and denial to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They may accuse the victim of being overly sensitive or misinterpreting their words, further entangling the victim in a web of confusion and self-blame. Below are some common forms of verbal abuse.

Derogatory Name-Calling and Swearing

Name-calling and swearing are among the most overt and recognizable forms of verbal abuse. These tactics are often employed by abusers who feel a deep sense of powerlessness and seek to establish control and dominance over their partners by demeaning and shaming them. Using derogatory labels and insults, such as calling someone "stupid," "fat," "lazy," or "worthless," directly attacks the victim's character and self-worth. This strategy is not merely about expressing dissatisfaction with a specific action or choice; it is designed to systematically erode the partner’s sense of self. By highlighting and exaggerating perceived flaws, the abuser aims to disempower and diminish the victim, asserting control within the relationship.

Insults like “You never know what you’re talking about” or “You’re just too dumb to grasp what I’m saying” are tools intended to belittle and undermine the victim. Barrie Davenport (2016), in Signs of Emotional Abuse, explains that this psychological manipulation is calculated—the more frequently and intensely the victim is insulted, the more likely they are to internalize these negative perceptions, leading to a gradual erosion of self-esteem. This erosion is precisely the abuser's goal; as the victim's confidence diminishes, the abuser's influence and dominance increase.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a subtle yet powerful form of psychological abuse that erodes a partner's trust in their own perceptions and emotions, causing them to doubt the validity of their feelings and reality. This tactic involves dismissing and invalidating the partner's experiences, making them feel as though their emotions are insignificant, wrong, or even irrational. Phrases like "You're too sensitive," "You can't take a joke," “You’re remembering it wrong,” or "You're making a big deal out of nothing" are commonly used to undermine the partner's feelings and perceptions.

As a result, the victim of gaslighting might frequently apologize for things they didn't do, feel isolated, and lose trust in their judgment, leading to a harmful dependency on the abuser’s interpretation of events.

Gaslighters often deny that certain events occurred, question the victim’s memory, or feign confusion about what the victim is saying. Over time, the victim may begin to believe there is something inherently wrong with them, their sense of humor, or their ability to perceive situations accurately. This cycle of manipulation and control can cause severe psychological harm, leaving the victim feeling trapped in a distorted reality where they doubt every thought and memory.

Throughout my marriage to an emotionally abusive husband, any disagreement or display of anger would prompt him to say things like, “You don’t have control over your own mind,” or “You are insane and don’t know how to think.” Despite knowing I wasn’t “insane,” the constant gaslighting made me feel like I had to hide my anger, fearing he would perceive me as crazy or unbalanced if I expressed it.

Degrading Humor and Sarcasm

When jokes and sarcasm are used to belittle, they can subtly erode a partner's dignity and self-esteem, acting as a form of verbal abuse (Evans, 1996). These comments, often disguised as humor, may attack the partner's gender, intelligence, or abilities, leaving the victim feeling humiliated and disrespected. For instance, remarks like "Maybe we should just have you tie shoes, anything more seems too complicated for you," or "It's a good thing you're pretty because you can't handle simple tasks," are typical examples of this behavior.

Although light sarcasm and humor can be part of healthy interactions, persistent sarcastic comments and making the partner the target of jokes are harmful. Initially, these remarks might seem harmless or amusing, making them difficult to recognize as abuse. However, over time, what begins as playful banter can escalate into relentless condescension and mockery, such as, “With the way you eat, it's no surprise you can't fit into your jeans anymore!” This type of communication degrades the quality of the relationship, turning what appears to be jest into a weapon for belittlement.

Shifting Blame

Verbal abusers often shift the blame for their own feelings of anger or insecurity onto their partners, making them feel at fault for issues beyond their control. For instance, if a partner expresses feeling distant, the abuser might retaliate with, "Stop criticizing me!" In my experience, whenever I tried to discuss any problems in our relationship, my husband would snap, “You just love making me angry, don’t you?” This tactic allows the abuser to dodge real issues and deflect from addressing their partner's emotions by portraying themselves as the victim.

Blame-shifting is a common strategy used by verbal abusers, wherein they transfer the responsibility of their actions or feelings onto their partner, thereby evading accountability. They might say, "It's your fault we're always late!" or accuse their partner of intentionally provoking their anger with statements like, "You're making me angry on purpose!" Additionally, they may make baseless accusations out of jealousy, such as, "You're definitely cheating on me!" This leads the partner to question their own behavior, further undermining their self-esteem and control.

In Women with Controlling Partners, Carol Lambert discusses how abusers frequently unjustly blame their partners for situations beyond their control. I remember coming home one day with a flat tire and informing my husband that it needed repair. He was furious about the inconvenience and snarled, “Just drive more carefully next time!” as if I could have somehow avoided the tiny nail on the road.

Another difficult time was when my husband and I both contracted Covid. While his symptoms were mild, I was severely ill and struggling to care for our five-year-old son. When I asked for his help, he became enraged and said, “You decided you’re going to be sick and now that’s your reality. You’ve got it into your head that you want to be a statistic, so now you have to deal with it.” I was bewildered by his response, questioning how my illness could be seen as my fault. Too unwell to argue, I found it easier to handle the childcare duties alone rather than confront his lack of support.

Devaluing and Belittling

Undermining and belittling are powerful forms of verbal abuse where the abuser persistently attacks the victim's self-esteem and achievements. Through disparaging remarks like, "You really don't know what you're talking about, do you?" or "I don't know why I ever expected more from you," the abuser minimizes the victim's thoughts, feelings, and accomplishments. This relentless criticism not only erodes the victim's confidence but also isolates them from their sense of competence and self-worth. By making their partner feel insignificant and inadequate, the abuser maintains control and reinforces their dominance in the relationship, leaving the victim feeling powerless and dependent.

Brian Davenport explains that by putting you down and making you feel unworthy, an abuser seeks to elevate their own sense of power: “Rather than viewing you as an equal and worthy of praise, support, and respect, your abusive partner belittles you to disempower you and chip away at your self-worth. The lower you feel, the more control he or she has.” (Davenport, 2016)

During the peak of the Covid pandemic, my ex-husband was convinced that society was on the brink of civil unrest, World War III, and global collapse. He frequently cited political analysts to support his dire predictions. Whenever I mustered the courage to disagree with his outlook, he would react with fury, saying, “So, you think you’re smarter than all the top political experts?” and “Do you think you know more than the world’s leading minds?” and “This Harvard professor agrees with me; are you saying you’re more brilliant than a Harvard professor?” His reactions completely invalidated my views, pushing me into silence and convincing me that it was safer to keep my thoughts to myself.

Using Threats

Abusers frequently resort to threats to manipulate their partners, leveraging their fears to maintain dominance. These threats often involve potential loss or harm, with statements like, "If you leave me, you'll never see the kids again," or "Go to that work party, and you'll come back to an empty house."

This method creates an atmosphere of fear and uncertainty, compelling the partner to comply to avoid negative consequences. Threats may also involve the possibility of physical harm or the revelation of personal secrets. Such behavior undermines the trust and security that are fundamental in any healthy relationship.

Recognizing threats as a form of abuse can be difficult, especially when they are disguised as casual remarks with ominous implications, such as, "Wouldn't it be tragic if something happened to your beloved pet while you're away?" These subtle, manipulative statements are crafted to coerce and control under the pretense of concern.

In my marriage, threats were a regular means of manipulation. After consulting an astrologer, my husband became convinced we needed to move countries. When I expressed hesitation, his immediate response was: “If you don’t like it, I will just take our child and leave without you.”

Additionally, he often brought up significant financial matters at inconvenient times, like while I was preparing dinner. When I suggested discussing it later, he would retort, “Fine! If you won’t talk now, I’ll handle all the financial decisions on my own.”

The most severe threats came after our separation. Accustomed to making decisions unilaterally, he hated needing my approval for things like traveling with our child. Whenever I disagreed with one of his requests, he would threaten to tell our son terrible things about me, such as that I didn’t love or care about him. He knew that the most harmful threat he could make was one that could potentially hurt our child or damage the bond I shared with him.

The Escalation of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse in a relationship is a serious form of domestic abuse that often precedes physical violence. Initially, it might appear as harmless put-downs disguised as jokes or through the withdrawal of affection. However, over time, this abuse typically increases in intensity, frequency, and variety, evolving into more overt and diverse forms of verbal attacks.

As the cycle of abuse continues, what began as verbal abuse can escalate into physical aggression. Initially, this might be passed off as "accidental" physical contact, such as shoves or bumps, but it can quickly progress to deliberate and severe physical assaults. This progression from verbal to physical abuse underscores the perilous nature of verbal abuse, not just as an isolated issue but as a precursor to more severe forms of domestic violence.

Identifying verbal abuse is the crucial first step in addressing it. If you believe you might be in an unsafe situation, confide in a trusted friend or family member and seek professional help as soon as possible. Your physical and emotional well-being is of utmost importance.