Thank-you for writing this. Your words have been really crucial in my journey to understanding what happened to me. 🥹 Just hours ago, I took my first real step to leave a 17 year relationship that was built around a framework of coercive control. Along with other behaviors which I can now identify deeply rooted narcissistic personality disorder, I discovered that I had been conditioned at a very early age to believe this was love, that it was normal, and that I wasn’t being harmed. Somehow, despite 40 years of living this way, and developing debilitating sickness in my body, I found healing in trauma integration therapy, where I discovered a lifetime of operating with CPTSD. Now, I am finding joy again. I didn’t even know I was a musician and vocalist, an energy healer, and a teacher! I am a writer, a poet, a fashion designer, a visionary, a journalist, a humanitarian, an activist, and a powerful leader who is full of integrity, kindness, and grace. It is because of people like YOU that I have been able to continue to embody my truth, trust my instincts, and live this brand new amazing life as a person I hardly recognize, yet love more than anyone I’ve ever met before. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart. 💙
Wow… leaving after 17 years takes an incredible amount of courage, especially when you’ve been conditioned for so long to see control as love, as many of us have. I’m in awe of the fortitude it must have taken you to reclaim every part of yourself like this. The way you’ve found your voice, your creativity, and your joy again is so inspiring. You should be unbelievably proud of yourself. And it means so much to hear that my words have played even a small part in helping you on that path.
My relationship with my ex husband was "would have's."
I thought he had bipolar, and I was constantly telling him when he was in a "manic phase." I told him when he was acting inappropriately, and told him he needed better meds and to go back to the doctor.
I kept trying because he'd been my best friend for seven years before going off his rocker.
Hes way crazier than I realized, *and* he was doing the shit on purpose, claiming that he isn't mentally ill at all some times, and using it as a crutch at others.
He likely has schizotypal disorder (per the army) and covert narcissism (per a preponderance of recently divulged evidence).
He apparently (according to some) may have enjoyed the fact that I fought him on his bullshit, because it caused more drama.
I got so horrendously stressed out that it caused terrible autoimmune flares, weight gain, water retention (possible early organ failure sign), and chronic fatigue.
He never left, because he liked fighting me and making me miserable. He also didn't want to divide assets, and still believes he deserves to own me, my assets, and my labor.
That sounds absolutely exhausting, having to constantly manage his behaviour, question what was real, and deal with the impact on your health. It’s so hard when you realise someone wasn’t just struggling, but was actively choosing to treat you that way. I’m so very glad you’re out of that now, even if it came at such a cost.
Wow. How’d he keep it hidden for 7 years? In my situation we had the stress of a newborn to push mine off his rocker. Even though I’d love to believe we can go back to how we used to be, I think we’re past the point of him able to get back onto the rocker.
The thing so many people outside of abuse situations do not understand? A lot of us actually DO think about doing the bold moves (at least, I did). But when you do pull them, it's like you say. The reprisals are never far behind. And because abusers are great at isolating you, you have no court of appeal.
Unless you have been there, you have no idea how dangerous that move can be...on multiple levels. My mom is still living with the damage.
Yes, exactly, people outside of it rarely see that it’s not about lacking courage, it’s about the very real danger of what comes after. The reprisals can be brutal, and with no support around you, it feels like there’s nowhere to turn. I’m so sorry your mom is still living with the impact of that.
Me too, SOC. While she likes to claim she's got past a lot of this through therapy, I know it still haunts her. Does me as well...and my little sister.
This is such an important reframing - those “I would have fought back” reactions can feel like support, but they often land as quiet judgment on someone who was just trying to stay alive in a system of coercive control.
I really appreciate how you centre survival as strategic, not weak, and offer people better language to use instead of adding to a survivor’s shame load.
Thank you for describing this so well. This is the only place I have ever seen the risk calculation that I did every minute of every day explained. As a survivor it sometimes takes someone else writing about the experience to fully comprehend it and heal. This article made me feel seen in a way that I am sure will lead to further healing. Thank you!
Rae, that means so much to hear. I remember living in that constant risk calculation too, and it’s something so hard to explain unless you’ve been there. I’m really glad my words helped you feel seen, you deserve that and so much more on your healing journey.
Thank-you for writing this. Your words have been really crucial in my journey to understanding what happened to me. 🥹 Just hours ago, I took my first real step to leave a 17 year relationship that was built around a framework of coercive control. Along with other behaviors which I can now identify deeply rooted narcissistic personality disorder, I discovered that I had been conditioned at a very early age to believe this was love, that it was normal, and that I wasn’t being harmed. Somehow, despite 40 years of living this way, and developing debilitating sickness in my body, I found healing in trauma integration therapy, where I discovered a lifetime of operating with CPTSD. Now, I am finding joy again. I didn’t even know I was a musician and vocalist, an energy healer, and a teacher! I am a writer, a poet, a fashion designer, a visionary, a journalist, a humanitarian, an activist, and a powerful leader who is full of integrity, kindness, and grace. It is because of people like YOU that I have been able to continue to embody my truth, trust my instincts, and live this brand new amazing life as a person I hardly recognize, yet love more than anyone I’ve ever met before. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart. 💙
Wow… leaving after 17 years takes an incredible amount of courage, especially when you’ve been conditioned for so long to see control as love, as many of us have. I’m in awe of the fortitude it must have taken you to reclaim every part of yourself like this. The way you’ve found your voice, your creativity, and your joy again is so inspiring. You should be unbelievably proud of yourself. And it means so much to hear that my words have played even a small part in helping you on that path.
🥹What blesses me, blesses you. It’s the whole point, isn’t it?! 😊
My relationship with my ex husband was "would have's."
I thought he had bipolar, and I was constantly telling him when he was in a "manic phase." I told him when he was acting inappropriately, and told him he needed better meds and to go back to the doctor.
I kept trying because he'd been my best friend for seven years before going off his rocker.
Hes way crazier than I realized, *and* he was doing the shit on purpose, claiming that he isn't mentally ill at all some times, and using it as a crutch at others.
He likely has schizotypal disorder (per the army) and covert narcissism (per a preponderance of recently divulged evidence).
He apparently (according to some) may have enjoyed the fact that I fought him on his bullshit, because it caused more drama.
I got so horrendously stressed out that it caused terrible autoimmune flares, weight gain, water retention (possible early organ failure sign), and chronic fatigue.
He never left, because he liked fighting me and making me miserable. He also didn't want to divide assets, and still believes he deserves to own me, my assets, and my labor.
That sounds absolutely exhausting, having to constantly manage his behaviour, question what was real, and deal with the impact on your health. It’s so hard when you realise someone wasn’t just struggling, but was actively choosing to treat you that way. I’m so very glad you’re out of that now, even if it came at such a cost.
Thank you. It was hell to realize I had wasted so much on a lie.
And exhausting? Dear God yes.
Wow. How’d he keep it hidden for 7 years? In my situation we had the stress of a newborn to push mine off his rocker. Even though I’d love to believe we can go back to how we used to be, I think we’re past the point of him able to get back onto the rocker.
Also, babies and weddings are common turning points evidently. They think you're trapped.
Evidently when we bought our house, my ex was mouthing off about how I’d never leave him to our realtor behind my back.
🤦🏻♀️
He is very manipulative for one.
He put a sustained effort in pretending to be a good friend, and making a good show to others.
He is also a covert narcissist as far as I can tell. These are the harder ones to identify.
For another, we were very young when we met, and I believe the Army was correct when they diagnosed him as schizotypal.
Like schizophrenia, it typically fully manifests in the early twenties.
He didn't get quite as bizarre and paranoid until he passed the prodromal phase.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypal_personality_disorder
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/schizotypal-personality-disorder
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23061-schizotypal-personality-disorder
https://www.healthline.com/health/covert-narcissist#signs
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/covert-narcissist
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-the-whole-beautiful/202304/understanding-covert-narcissism
The thing so many people outside of abuse situations do not understand? A lot of us actually DO think about doing the bold moves (at least, I did). But when you do pull them, it's like you say. The reprisals are never far behind. And because abusers are great at isolating you, you have no court of appeal.
Unless you have been there, you have no idea how dangerous that move can be...on multiple levels. My mom is still living with the damage.
Yes, exactly, people outside of it rarely see that it’s not about lacking courage, it’s about the very real danger of what comes after. The reprisals can be brutal, and with no support around you, it feels like there’s nowhere to turn. I’m so sorry your mom is still living with the impact of that.
Me too, SOC. While she likes to claim she's got past a lot of this through therapy, I know it still haunts her. Does me as well...and my little sister.
This is such an important reframing - those “I would have fought back” reactions can feel like support, but they often land as quiet judgment on someone who was just trying to stay alive in a system of coercive control.
I really appreciate how you centre survival as strategic, not weak, and offer people better language to use instead of adding to a survivor’s shame load.
Thank you for describing this so well. This is the only place I have ever seen the risk calculation that I did every minute of every day explained. As a survivor it sometimes takes someone else writing about the experience to fully comprehend it and heal. This article made me feel seen in a way that I am sure will lead to further healing. Thank you!
Rae, that means so much to hear. I remember living in that constant risk calculation too, and it’s something so hard to explain unless you’ve been there. I’m really glad my words helped you feel seen, you deserve that and so much more on your healing journey.
Why do I feel the need to wait for something “real” like a visible bruise to do something about my situation?
Because a lot of people downplay anything less.
People are also conditioned to believe men.
You likely worry that people around you are going to give you hell about "over reacting", or "throwing away a good man over something minor."
And sometimes you'll be right because people don't know what he's really like, or they're sexist, or they're dumb.
Such crap.
All of this. "Would have"s, while innocent from the speaker's end, are actually victim-blaming on the survivor's side.