‘They’ll only give the shirt off their back if someone else is looking’ a friend told me one day! Absolutely this - and everything you have written. It is very cruel and further fuels our self doubt.
What helped me most - and still does - is this quote by David Stevens - 'A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it.'
my night terrors of being kidnapped again by the my birth parents are back
i am still in therapy and that is helpful
but reminders that i am not alone in coming from a background like this make a difference, too
it doesn't mean i'm glad others went through that hell or that we are still paying the costs
but i'm grateful there are spaces here like this one where we can share and say that as awful as it was and as the flashbacks can be we still are here and reclaiming the years we have left in whichever ways we can (doing so will look different for everyone)
unless people saw it or he got charged with crimes, which he did not, it seems to not enter peoole's minds to cut the nice guy out. i am frankly much work and he's so nice! they like the shiny one who buys them dinner at a restaurant where we used to all go. i liked his public persona, too...but it was a construct. dark stuff. verrryyy darrrrrrkkkkkk.i live in the light.
Yes, no matter how many media stories we read about domestic homicides where there's the inevitable neighbour who's quoted as saying 'but he was such a nice guy', people still don't seem to want to believe that there can be two very different sides to a person!
it is so hard to describe things to people who don’t directly have experience of it. i appreciate how this space and voices like yours do not hide. i feel heard and believed, which is huge b/c the bigger spin machine sure gets out in front of a PR opportunity to control the narrative/situation.
There was a saying 'Street angel and house devil'...whatever happened to THAT.Infact there are numerous expressions I never hear now that were once heard in daily conversations eg. 'Sold a pup'. 'You can't put an old head on young shoulders' 'People don't change' 'You can't forgive what you don't know' 'You can't make someone talk' 'You can't make someone care' 'Some deliberately refuse to learn /change' The best life skill...'Take no B.S. be incredibly tender and know when to move on.Best of future luck ! To brighter times 🌸🌺🌸🌺
Oh, Lucy: great insight! I miss hearing things that make absolute sense in three, regular words. i say “trauma on trauma is a shit sandwich” and then“i order differently now” your reply was so helpful. i love your ability to distill down into real stuff using these phases. thank you.
Ah ,From The The University of Life and The School of Hard Knocks , Heather,THANK YOU.I will try to recall more of these wise sayings ...the exterior world may change but people's nature doesn't..or at least not much ...and mostly if it does change ,it is never for the better.Respect is a two way street.Best of better and increasingly better luck to you!☘️
Thank you Heather...your courageous writing will help many feel at home on your Substack.It takes phenomenal bravery to accept only you can turn around the wrongs inflicted on you.But while they stay negatively stuck and demeaning to those who accept their lies,you are building an increasingly better life from solid and trustworthy foundations.Congratulations Heather. You have earned every happiness.'If it's going to be, it's up to me'! Cheers 🌸🌺🌸🌺
It can happen with brothers too! And the pain ,because it is life long, is even deeper.Knowing when to move on is a skill worth honing.These putting their comfort and entertainment before your suffering,or worse a mentally ill sibling life long agony , have zero moral integrity .Run! The difference between what they say and what you see...is The Grand Canyon.And.They never change.Good luck to all good women and men out there at the receiving end of such shameless ,pathetic lies.You deserve better..far ,far better.
O kafa karışıklığını ve yalnızlığı öyle güzel dökümlemişsin ki satırlara.
İnsanın kendi yaşadığından şüphe etmesi, "acaba bende mi bir sorun var" diye kendini yemesi bu sürecin en ağır yükü. Dışarıya melek yüzünü gösterip, evde o maskeyi fırlatıp atan bir adamla yaşamak tam bir akıl oyunu. İnsanlar o dışarıdaki vitrine kanıp övgüler yağdırdıkça, senin yaşadığın o cehennem adeta yok sayılıyor. O yalnızlık hissi insanın kemiklerine sızlıyor resmen.
Sistem o kadar ince işliyor ki.
Sen yaşadığın travmanın etkisiyle patlama noktasına geliyorsun, ağlıyorsun, tepki veriyorsun. Sonra o dışarıdaki sakin duruşuyla seni "dengesiz" ilan ediveriyor. Çevrendekiler de bu oyuna çok kolay kanıyor ne yazık ki. Kimse o iyi, yardımsever, saygın imajın arkasındaki o karanlık yüzle yüzleşmek istemiyor çünkü. Gerçeği kabul etmek onların da konforunu bozacak.
O yüzden o tecrübe ettiğin şeyi savunmak için kimseden onay beklememek lazım.
Seni o yalnızlıktan çıkaracak olan şey, başkalarının ikna olması değil; senin kendi gördüğüne, kendi canının yanışına inanman. Onlar o vitrini alkışlamaya devam etsin. Sen içeride ne yaşandığını biliyorsun. O gerçeğe tutunup o zehirli alandan uzaklaşmak tek çıkar yol. Kendi algına güvenmekle başlıyor her şey.
Çok kıymetli, tespiti bol bir metin olmuş. Yüreğine sağlık.
‘They’ll only give the shirt off their back if someone else is looking’ a friend told me one day! Absolutely this - and everything you have written. It is very cruel and further fuels our self doubt.
What helped me most - and still does - is this quote by David Stevens - 'A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it.'
Yes the self-doubt is awful to grapple with, and the pain of not being believed or understood.
Great quote, I'll remember that one.
This was my reality. Others told him he would be declared as a saint after he passes…..we saw a very evil side at home
Wow, declared a saint! if only they knew the reality. It is so isolating when no one else sees it.
Unfortunately some women realize this too late in life.
You are spot on with all the characteristics of an abuser which usually stem from also being a narcissist.
Yes, not all abusers are narcissists, but I'd say all (or at least most) narcissists are abusers.
my night terrors of being kidnapped again by the my birth parents are back
i am still in therapy and that is helpful
but reminders that i am not alone in coming from a background like this make a difference, too
it doesn't mean i'm glad others went through that hell or that we are still paying the costs
but i'm grateful there are spaces here like this one where we can share and say that as awful as it was and as the flashbacks can be we still are here and reclaiming the years we have left in whichever ways we can (doing so will look different for everyone)
unless people saw it or he got charged with crimes, which he did not, it seems to not enter peoole's minds to cut the nice guy out. i am frankly much work and he's so nice! they like the shiny one who buys them dinner at a restaurant where we used to all go. i liked his public persona, too...but it was a construct. dark stuff. verrryyy darrrrrrkkkkkk.i live in the light.
Yes, no matter how many media stories we read about domestic homicides where there's the inevitable neighbour who's quoted as saying 'but he was such a nice guy', people still don't seem to want to believe that there can be two very different sides to a person!
it is so hard to describe things to people who don’t directly have experience of it. i appreciate how this space and voices like yours do not hide. i feel heard and believed, which is huge b/c the bigger spin machine sure gets out in front of a PR opportunity to control the narrative/situation.
There was a saying 'Street angel and house devil'...whatever happened to THAT.Infact there are numerous expressions I never hear now that were once heard in daily conversations eg. 'Sold a pup'. 'You can't put an old head on young shoulders' 'People don't change' 'You can't forgive what you don't know' 'You can't make someone talk' 'You can't make someone care' 'Some deliberately refuse to learn /change' The best life skill...'Take no B.S. be incredibly tender and know when to move on.Best of future luck ! To brighter times 🌸🌺🌸🌺
Oh, Lucy: great insight! I miss hearing things that make absolute sense in three, regular words. i say “trauma on trauma is a shit sandwich” and then“i order differently now” your reply was so helpful. i love your ability to distill down into real stuff using these phases. thank you.
Ah ,From The The University of Life and The School of Hard Knocks , Heather,THANK YOU.I will try to recall more of these wise sayings ...the exterior world may change but people's nature doesn't..or at least not much ...and mostly if it does change ,it is never for the better.Respect is a two way street.Best of better and increasingly better luck to you!☘️
you made me so grateful to be here. here means : on the planet and on Substack:) Thank you.
Thank you Heather...your courageous writing will help many feel at home on your Substack.It takes phenomenal bravery to accept only you can turn around the wrongs inflicted on you.But while they stay negatively stuck and demeaning to those who accept their lies,you are building an increasingly better life from solid and trustworthy foundations.Congratulations Heather. You have earned every happiness.'If it's going to be, it's up to me'! Cheers 🌸🌺🌸🌺
It can happen with brothers too! And the pain ,because it is life long, is even deeper.Knowing when to move on is a skill worth honing.These putting their comfort and entertainment before your suffering,or worse a mentally ill sibling life long agony , have zero moral integrity .Run! The difference between what they say and what you see...is The Grand Canyon.And.They never change.Good luck to all good women and men out there at the receiving end of such shameless ,pathetic lies.You deserve better..far ,far better.
O kafa karışıklığını ve yalnızlığı öyle güzel dökümlemişsin ki satırlara.
İnsanın kendi yaşadığından şüphe etmesi, "acaba bende mi bir sorun var" diye kendini yemesi bu sürecin en ağır yükü. Dışarıya melek yüzünü gösterip, evde o maskeyi fırlatıp atan bir adamla yaşamak tam bir akıl oyunu. İnsanlar o dışarıdaki vitrine kanıp övgüler yağdırdıkça, senin yaşadığın o cehennem adeta yok sayılıyor. O yalnızlık hissi insanın kemiklerine sızlıyor resmen.
Sistem o kadar ince işliyor ki.
Sen yaşadığın travmanın etkisiyle patlama noktasına geliyorsun, ağlıyorsun, tepki veriyorsun. Sonra o dışarıdaki sakin duruşuyla seni "dengesiz" ilan ediveriyor. Çevrendekiler de bu oyuna çok kolay kanıyor ne yazık ki. Kimse o iyi, yardımsever, saygın imajın arkasındaki o karanlık yüzle yüzleşmek istemiyor çünkü. Gerçeği kabul etmek onların da konforunu bozacak.
O yüzden o tecrübe ettiğin şeyi savunmak için kimseden onay beklememek lazım.
Seni o yalnızlıktan çıkaracak olan şey, başkalarının ikna olması değil; senin kendi gördüğüne, kendi canının yanışına inanman. Onlar o vitrini alkışlamaya devam etsin. Sen içeride ne yaşandığını biliyorsun. O gerçeğe tutunup o zehirli alandan uzaklaşmak tek çıkar yol. Kendi algına güvenmekle başlıyor her şey.
Çok kıymetli, tespiti bol bir metin olmuş. Yüreğine sağlık.