The Real Reason Controlling Men Hate Your Anger

In controlling or abusive relationships, showing anger is not merely unwelcome—it can actually be dangerous.

An abuser's aversion to their partner's anger isn't just about avoiding loud voices or heated disputes; it's about maintaining control. When a woman asserts herself, it directly undermines the abuser’s dominance, causing him to feel threatened. Abusers cannot tolerate their partner displaying independence or questioning their authority. Consequently, they view anger as an act of rebellion, which is intolerable and unacceptable to any controlling individual.

The Power Dynamics Behind Anger in Abusive Relationships

Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, has dedicated over thirty years to working with male perpetrators of violence against women. He explains that one reason an abusive man reacts so intensely to his partner’s anger is his belief in his own infallibility. Additionally, he senses the inherent power in his partner’s anger:

“If you have space to feel and express your rage, you will be better able to hold on to your identity and to resist his suffocation of you. He tries to take your anger away in order to snuff out your capacity to resist his will” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 59).

Moreover, an abusive man views his partner’s anger as a direct challenge to his authority. Typically, he will respond by overpowering her with his own, more intense anger:

“One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise, and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 60).

The True Nature of the Abuser’s Anger

Many believe that abusers struggle with anger management and that taking anger-management classes would resolve the issue. However, Bancroft clarifies that abusers do not have an issue with their own anger; they have a problem with their partner’s anger.

Abusers are also quite adept at controlling their anger, as evidenced by their ability to restrain their rage in public and only unleash it in private.

An anger management program would not benefit an abuser because “his entitlements would just keep producing more anger. His attitudes are what need to change” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 60).

At the core of an abuser’s anger is the need for domination. Their beliefs and attitudes generate rage, which persists as long as their partner fails to meet all their rules or demands. Given that these demands are often unrealistic and impossible to fulfill, an abuser tends to be angry much of the time.

The Impact of Voicing Anger

When a woman dares to express her anger or dissent, she often faces criticism, dismissal, blame, gaslighting, or even more severe abuse. Such reactions seldom lead to the abuser reflecting on his behavior and instead typically result in escalating the abuse.

Carol Lambert, in her book Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner, details how abusers frequently use a woman's anger as a pretext for further abuse, portraying themselves as the wronged party. Phrases like "If you hadn't gotten so angry, I wouldn't have reacted that way" are common, shifting the blame and making the woman feel guilty for her emotional response. This pattern of abuse and victim-blaming often leads women to suppress their anger, fearing more severe repercussions or being misunderstood.

Women expressing anger may also face accusations of being the actual controlling or abusive party in the relationship. Accusations such as "You're out of control" or "You're crazy" are typical gaslighting techniques aimed at making her doubt her own feelings and sanity. In this twisted scenario, the abuser positions himself as the victim, inducing guilt and confusion in his partner and leading her to believe she was wrong for feeling angry.

“When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 60).

My abusive ex-husband would explode in anger if I ever disagreed with him or questioned his beliefs. However, if I displayed even a trace of anger, he would accuse me of having "serious psychological issues," calling me "crazy," "insane," or "incapable of thinking." I eventually learned to suppress my anger because the verbal assaults that ensued were simply not worth the trouble.

The Consequences of Suppressing Anger

An abuser's psychological manipulation works to devalue a woman's experiences and intimidate her into silence. The underlying message is clear: showing anger invites trouble. Over time, women in such relationships learn to suppress their anger, internalizing it to avoid further conflict. This leads to confusion and an inability to differentiate between justified and unjustified anger, eroding her sense of self and diminishing her ability to advocate for her rights and needs.

Carol Lambert emphasizes that anger is a vital emotional signal. It alerts individuals when their boundaries have been violated and helps them recognize unfair or harmful behavior. When understood and expressed appropriately, anger can be a powerful tool for holding the abuser accountable and asserting one's rights.

Moreover, anger is not just an indicator of something being wrong; it is a crucial emotion for empowerment. It helps individuals understand their own needs and fosters a sense of strength and assertiveness. Recognizing and embracing one's anger is a step towards reclaiming independence, challenging abusive dynamics, and building a healthier self-image.

Ultimately, it is essential for victims to acknowledge and understand that their anger is a legitimate, healthy response to abuse and control.

References

Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Publishing Group.

Lambert, Carol A. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.