When the Abuser Controls the Story and Everyone Believes It

One of the most damaging tools at an abuser's disposal is their ability to control the narrative. This tactic enables them to shape perceptions, distort reality, and manipulate both the victim and external parties into believing a version of events that obscures the truth. Understanding narrative control is critical for identifying abuse and dismantling the power abusers wield through their control of the story.

What Does It Mean to Control the Narrative?

Narrative control involves an abuser carefully constructing a version of reality that serves their interests. It includes elements of gaslighting, smear campaigns, and outright lies designed to make the victim appear unstable or unreliable - while portraying the abuser as the rational, benevolent party. This manipulation extends to friends, family, and legal authorities, creating a network of doubt around the victim’s experiences.

The primary goal of narrative control is to maintain power while isolating their partner from potential sources of support. By carefully crafting a version of events that discredits the victim, the abuser creates doubt in the minds of others — making it less likely that friends, family, or professionals will offer help or believe the victim’s account. This manufactured perception of their partner or ex-partner as unstable, dramatic, or even abusive themselves serves to cut them off socially and emotionally.

When the abuser dictates the narrative, they shape not only how others see the victim but how the victim comes to see themselves, reinforcing the imbalance of power at the heart of the abuse.

Common Tactics Abusers Use to Control the Story

1. Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic in which the abuser causes the victim to doubt their own memory or perception. For example, if the individual confronts the abuser about harmful behavior, the abuser might deny it ever happened or claim they are exaggerating. Over time, this creates confusion and self-doubt, making it harder for a person to trust their own reality.

2. Smear Campaigns are false or exaggerated claims about someone to friends, family, or colleagues. This can include labeling them as “crazy,” “manipulative,” or “abusive” themselves. These attacks often take place after the victim escapes the relationship, as the abuser attempts to control the post-separation narrative and punish their partner for leaving.

3. Playing the Victim means the abuser casts themselves as the wronged party. This tactic can be especially effective in legal or social settings, where they might claim the other person is abusive, unreasonable, or neglectful. They do this to deflect attention from their own behavior and cast doubt on the victim’s credibility.

4. DARVO (DARVO—Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) is a strategy abusers use to evade responsibility. They deny any wrongdoing, attack the victim for speaking up, and then portray themselves as the true victim. This tactic is particularly damaging in court cases or custody disputes, as it can completely distort the perception of who is really at fault.

The Impact of Narrative Control

When an abuser controls the story, the victim often faces significant emotional, psychological, and social consequences.

1. Isolation - Victims may find themselves cut off from friends, family, and community support. When others believe the abuser’s narrative, they may distance themselves from the victim, leaving them without crucial allies.

2. Reputational Damage – The abuser may spread misinformation that can severely damage the victim’s character and credibility. This can affect personal relationships, professional opportunities, and the ability to access support services.

3. Self-Doubt and Confusion - Constant gaslighting and manipulation lead victims to question their own reality. This makes it harder for them to trust their instincts or recognize the abuse, keeping them trapped in the cycle.

4. Legal and Financial Challenges - In cases involving divorce or custody disputes, an abuser’s narrative control can sway judges and lawyers, leading to unjust rulings. Victims may lose custody of their children or face financial burdens because of the abuser’s manipulations.

5. Long-Term Trauma - The psychological effects of narrative control can linger long after the abuse ends. Survivors may struggle with trust issues, low self-esteem, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), especially if the abuser successfully tarnishes their reputation.

Countering Narrative Control

Dismantling the abuser’s story requires a combination of personal resilience, external support, and, in some cases, legal action.

1. Build a Support Network - Survivors need a trusted circle of friends, family, or professionals who can provide validation and assistance. This network can counter the isolation created by the abuser and offer alternative perspectives on the situation.

2. Document Evidence - Recording incidents - including dates, times, and details - can help establish a clear, factual account of events. This is especially important in legal cases where the abuser’s narrative may sway opinions.

3. Seek Professional Help - Therapists and counselors who specialize in abuse can help rebuild confidence and to develop strategies to navigate an abuser’s manipulation. Legal advocates can also assist in presenting evidence and challenging false narratives in court.

Reclaim Your Story

Recovering from the effects of narrative control is a journey that requires survivors to reclaim their voices, trust their instincts, and rebuild their lives on their own terms. While the scars of manipulation and smear campaigns can run deep, the healing process offers the promise of empowerment and freedom.

When an abuser controls the story, they wield a dangerous power that extends beyond their immediate relationship with the victim. By shaping perceptions and distorting reality, they create barriers that make it difficult for victims to seek help or justice. Recognizing and countering this behavior is essential for holding abusers accountable.

References

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.

Featured Image: When an abuser controls the narrative, they wield dangerous power. Source: Feodora / Adobe Stock