What Survivors Wish They Were Told After Leaving Abuse

Leaving an abusive relationship is often portrayed as the end of the story—as if once someone escapes, the hard part is over. But for many survivors, the aftermath brings a new kind of pain: silence, confusion, and emotional disorientation. The world doesn’t always respond with the comfort or validation that was so desperately needed. Instead, survivors are left to navigate a complex, often lonely path of healing.

In the absence of understanding, the right words can be hard to come by. Yet the impact of a few kind, grounded, and compassionate messages can be profound. These are the words survivors deserved to hear—not just in the moment they left, but in the difficult days, weeks, and months that followed.

“You Made the Right Choice”

Many who leave abusive relationships carry heavy doubt and fear. After enduring constant messages that they were unlovable, to blame, or exaggerating, it becomes incredibly difficult to feel certain about the decision to go.

“I needed someone to say, ‘You did the right thing,’” one survivor shared. “But instead, people said things like, ‘Sorry it didn’t work out’—as if I’d ended a normal relationship.”

Another said, “After everything he did, my mom asked if we could work it out—for the kids. I had to explain that he had already chosen drugs, cheating, and abuse over us.”

Even well-meaning comments can cause survivors to second-guess themselves. But the truth remains: leaving was not the mistake—the circumstances that made leaving necessary were.

“None of This Was Your Fault”

This simple sentence can be the most healing thing a survivor hears—and yet, it is often left unsaid.

“I wish someone had said, ‘It wasn’t your fault.’ Over and over again,” one woman wrote. “Instead, I got silence. Or worse, blame.”

Another remembered, “I was told I must have liked the abuse to have stayed so long. That hurt more than the abuse itself. That’s a wound I’m still healing from.”

Survivors often carry deep shame—not only about what happened, but about how long it continued. Society imposes unfair expectations about when someone “should” have left. But abuse is never something survivors cause—it’s something that is done to them.

What’s needed most is not blame, but constant reassurance that none of it was their fault.

“I Hear You, and I Believe You”

After years of being gaslit, manipulated, and silenced, survivors need to be affirmed. They need to hear: I believe you. I see you. What you lived through was real.

“I finally opened up about what I went through,” one survivor shared, “and the person I told said, ‘Are you sure it happened like that?’ I didn’t speak about it again for years.”

Another recalled, “When I reported my abuse, the police officer said, ‘You’re just making this up.’ He didn’t even investigate.”

Being dismissed feels like being retraumatized. It reinforces the idea that no one will believe or protect them. Survivors shouldn’t have to prove their pain. They deserve to be believed—freely and without hesitation.

“You Are Brave”

Most survivors don’t feel brave when they leave. They feel terrified, ashamed, uncertain, and overwhelmed. But leaving abuse is an extraordinary act of courage, even when it doesn’t feel that way.

“I wish someone had said, ‘I’m proud of you. You’re doing great,’” one woman wrote. “Instead, I got questions. Judgment. Doubt.”

Another survivor reflected, “A friend told me, ‘What you did took guts.’ That stayed with me—it made me feel seen, like someone finally got how hard it really was.”

Even when survivors return to the relationship, even when healing is messy and non-linear—they still deserve to hear that what they did was brave.

“It’s Okay to Still Have Feelings for Them”

One of the most confusing parts of healing is managing the feelings that linger. Survivors may still feel love, guilt, or longing toward the person who hurt them. These emotions can make them feel ashamed or misunderstood.

“It would have helped to hear that it was okay to still love him,” one survivor said. “It didn’t mean I was going back. It just meant I was human.”

Another shared, “Some days I missed him and hated him at the same time—and I didn’t know what to do with that.”

The emotional aftermath of abuse is complex. Survivors need space to process their feelings without fear of being judged.

“You Don’t Have to Face This Alone”

The isolation many survivors experience after leaving can be overwhelming. The loneliness doesn’t end when the relationship ends—it often intensifies.

“I didn’t just lose my partner,” one survivor said. “I lost mutual friends, parts of my community, even my relationship with my own family.”

Another added, “So many people backed away. They didn’t know what to say, so they said nothing. And I felt like I was grieving alone.”

If someone you know has left an abusive situation, don’t disappear. Be present. Let them know, through your words and actions, that they are not alone.

“It Takes Time to Heal”

There’s a common assumption that once someone leaves, they’re free—and should just ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’. But for most survivors, the real journey begins after they escape. And that journey takes time.

One survivor shared, “My friend said to me, ‘Thank goodness that’s behind you now—you can start dating again.’ I felt completely unseen. I was still carrying so much trauma, and I hadn’t even begun to process what I’d been through.”

“It’s gonna take an ass-ton of time,” one woman said. “It’s a rollercoaster. Buckle up. But you’re gonna make it.”

Another added, “I didn’t want solutions. I wanted someone to sit with me in the dark and not try to fix it.”

Healing from abuse is not a linear or easy path. It takes time, energy, and often years of emotional work to unlearn the messages of worthlessness and fear that were drilled in.

Words That Help Heal

What survivors need most after leaving isn’t judgment, advice, or silence. They need empathy. They need patience. They need words that affirm and uplift. Before responding to someone who discloses their story of abuse, take a moment. What might they need to hear?

They need to know they’re not broken. That they’re not crazy. That they’re not overreacting.

They need healing words. Words that acknowledge pain without minimizing it. Words that affirm resilience. Words that speak truth:

They were hurt. They got out. They are healing. And they are not alone.

Featured Image: It may be difficult for others to know what to say to survivors, but there are some things people need to hear after leaving an abusive relationship. Source: Viacheslav Yakobchuk / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.