Unseen Wounds: Why Some Abuse Victims Wish Their Partner Would Hit Them

When we think of abuse, most people's minds immediately jump to physical violence—bruises, black eyes, and broken bones. Physical abuse is undeniably horrific and unacceptable, but it also leaves visible, undeniable evidence. The bruises and marks make it clear: "This is wrong. This is abuse." However, for many victims, the wounds run much deeper, leaving no physical marks but causing profound emotional and psychological harm. Tragically, some victims find themselves wishing their partner would hit them, as physical violence would be easier to recognize, prove, and ultimately escape from.

This desire, as paradoxical as it may seem, stems from the often invisible nature of emotional and psychological abuse. Victims are left feeling confused, isolated, and helpless—desperately seeking validation for their pain in a world that too often dismisses or minimizes their experiences.

The Unseen Wounds of Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse is a pervasive form of manipulation and control that leaves no visible scars but devastates the victim's self-worth, sense of reality, and mental health. Unlike physical abuse, which is easier to identify and condemn, emotional abuse is subtle and insidious, making it difficult for victims to even realize they are being abused, let alone seek help.

One victim described her experience: "I was suffering every day in my marriage—psychologically tormented, insulted daily, manipulated, gaslighted, made to feel worthless and never good enough, blamed for everything, intimidated, threatened, emotionally blackmailed, isolated, and totally controlled. But for years, I didn’t realize I was being abused. I had no words to describe what I was experiencing. I had no words to communicate with others what was happening. And so at times, I wished he would hit me. I thought then I would have a good enough reason to leave and a clear enough justification to tell others."

This heart-wrenching account illustrates why some victims long for physical violence. The psychological torment they endure is so overwhelming and hard to articulate that they yearn for something concrete—something that others can see and acknowledge as abuse.

The Silent Agony of Covert Abuse

Covert abuse, which includes emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and financial control, often leaves victims doubting their reality and questioning their own perceptions. This form of abuse is so subtle and pervasive that victims may not even realize they are being controlled and manipulated.

"Sometimes you would rather they hit you and take the simpler route. At least that way it's clear cut. The covert, mental, emotional, passive-aggressive, coercive control, financial control, and triangulation of children is just so overwhelming," said another victim, expressing the complexity and despair of dealing with non-physical abuse.

This type of abuse is especially hard to explain to others, particularly when the abuser can sometimes be loving, thoughtful, and fun. "They aren’t always abusive. They could be really loving and thoughtful and fun a good bit of the time. And especially if they don’t call you names directly or hit you, it makes it even more confusing. That’s part of what makes it so hard to leave," one victim explained. This inconsistency traps victims in a cycle of hope and despair, constantly questioning whether their experiences are valid or if they are simply overreacting.

The Pain of Not Being Believed

One of the most devastating aspects of emotional abuse is the lack of validation from others. Physical abuse is visible and undeniable, but emotional abuse is often dismissed as "just words" or "a misunderstanding." Victims are left feeling isolated and misunderstood, as if their suffering isn't real or important.

"There were many times I would have rather that he hit me than say the horrific things he said. At least with the bruises I could prove there was actually abuse. The words were harder to recover from and were ridiculed by others as 'words aren't physical harm,'" shared one survivor.

This lack of validation is particularly heartbreaking when victims seek help from the legal system. "My sister's ex is emotionally and financially abusive too, and she has also said she wishes he had hit her so that the courts would believe her. Even with evidence, they didn't care. They just made excuses for him and granted 50/50 custody of my nephew," another person revealed. The frustration of not being believed or taken seriously compounds the trauma and leaves victims feeling even more trapped and powerless.

The Hidden Bruises of Psychological Warfare

Victims of emotional and psychological abuse frequently face a variety of manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting, financial control, and the manipulation of children. These abusive strategies are intended to undermine the victim's autonomy and self-esteem, making it progressively harder for them to recognize the abuse or find the strength to leave the relationship.

"Yes, I was always hoping for physical damage but that didn’t happen—it was all much more subtle and terrifying and stressful," one victim shared. The constant fear, anxiety, and self-doubt that come with emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical violence, leaving the victim feeling powerless and hopeless.

"No one will understand you. They'll think 'it's just a small misunderstanding that made you decide to walk out of that abusive relationship.' They think you're just overreacting, you're immature. Mental and emotional abuse is way more hard and worse than physical abuse. I know physical abuse is not a joke, but my point is physical abuse is visible! It can be seen by many, unlike emotional/mental abuse, no one notices your sufferings," another survivor expressed. This quote highlights the profound isolation that victims of emotional abuse experience, as they are often left to suffer in silence, with no visible evidence to prove their pain.

The Need for Physical Proof

For many victims, the wish for physical violence represents a desperate plea for acknowledgment and validation. They crave something tangible, something unmistakable that would confirm to themselves and to others that what they are enduring is indeed abuse.

However, the painful reality is that abuse isn’t always physical. The wounds inflicted by emotional and psychological abuse can be just as profound, if not deeper, than those caused by physical violence. The effects of emotional abuse can linger for a lifetime, deeply impacting the victim’s mental health, relationships, and overall sense of self.

The Path to Recovery and Empowerment

Healing from emotional and psychological abuse is undoubtedly challenging, but it is within reach. The first steps in this journey involve recognizing the abuse for what it is, seeking support, and reclaiming your sense of self-worth.

Ultimately, the key message for anyone suffering from emotional and psychological abuse is this: It IS domestic abuse. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and kindness. While the scars of emotional abuse may be invisible, they are just as real, and your pain is valid. Take the necessary time to heal, rebuild, and always remember that you are deserving of a life free from abuse.

Featured image: Why abuse victims wish their partner would hit them. Source: Syda Productions / Adobe Stock.