Understanding Trauma Bonds – Reflection Article + Downloadable Worksheet

Eight years ago, I was living in a remote town in a foreign country where I didn’t speak the language, 13,000 kilometres from friends and family, and I had just had a baby.

One evening, my then-husband flew into a rage, smashing a glass in front of me. I locked myself in the bathroom while he pounded his fists on the door, shouting. When the noise finally stopped, I picked up my crying baby and told him I was going for a drive to calm down.

Minutes later, the phone calls started, one after another. When I eventually answered, his voice was calm and cold:

“You will come home now, or I’ll call the police and tell them you kidnapped our baby.”

I was stunned. He hadn’t threatened anything like this before, but I believed he would follow through. I drove home with a feeling of dread over when I might be returning to.

When I walked back inside, I braced myself for his rage. But instead, he was groveling – telling me how much he loved me while trying to kiss and hug me. My stomach turned with disgust and anger, yet I also felt an immense wave of relief. The fear lifted. The calm returned. And, like so many times before, I stayed silent.

This is the mechanism through which a trauma bond is formed – ‘kindness’ follows cruelty and your brain begins to associate relief with the very person causing the harm.

In the rest of this article, we’ll explore how trauma bonds develop, why they create such powerful attachment, and the psychological and chemical mechanisms that keep survivors feeling trapped. You’ll also find a downloadable Trauma Bond Reflection Worksheet designed to help you gently examine the emotional highs and lows that make these bonds so difficult to break.