The Silent Erosion of Choice: How Coercive Control Affects Decision-Making
Domestic abuse isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t always come with bruises or raised voices. Sometimes, it shows up in the quiet dismissal of your words, the way your preferences are mocked, or how your voice gradually disappears from the decisions that shape your world.
At the centre of coercive control is a need for dominance — an insistence on overtaking someone else’s voice, autonomy, and identity. For many victims, the deepest wound isn’t from a single violent act but from the slow, daily loss of the ability to make decisions. This loss doesn’t vanish when the relationship ends. Instead, it lingers in everyday life: deciding what to wear, what to eat, how to simply exist. This is how coercive control affects decision-making in a lasting and painful way.
Being Denied a Say in Your Own Life
When coercive control is present in a relationship, key life choices — financial, legal, personal — are often made solely by the abuser. The victim is either kept completely in the dark or pushed into agreement through manipulation, without being given a true opportunity to say yes or no. It is a pattern of being purposely excluded, overruled, or ignored.
“My ex applied for a mortgage in both our names without ever discussing it with me,” one survivor shared. “I only found out when the paperwork arrived to sign. It would have locked me into a 30-year financial tie to him — and to a life I hadn’t chosen.”
Another recalled, “He got a vasectomy without even mentioning it, secretly took out a loan for the equity of the house, started a business behind my back with my money — and ran it with the mistress.”
This kind of behaviour is profoundly destabilising. When your partner consistently makes life-altering decisions either without you or against your wishes, it reinforces the belief that your input doesn’t matter. Over time, it breaks down your ownership over your life and your internal sense of authority and autonomy. You start to believe your voice doesn’t belong in the conversation.
Eventually, confusion takes over. Many survivors describe the feeling of drifting through life, unable to influence decisions about their home, their future, or even their finances. This is how coercive control affects decision-making — not by a single act, but through a gradual silencing.
When Fear Shapes Every Decision
Coercion doesn’t always arrive with threats or shouting. Sometimes it’s subtle and methodical — a steady stream of pressure that chips away at your resistance. It may come in the form of guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, or carefully disguised remarks designed to steer you in a particular direction.
One survivor described, “My ex and I had an argument that lasted 9 months. I said ‘no’ continuously; he would not give up. I finally couldn’t take it anymore. Later he said that I agreed with him. No, I was psychologically beaten into submission.”
Another shared, “I stopped making decisions that made me happy for the sake of keeping the peace. I dreaded seeing his name pop up because I was in this state of fear about what I’d done wrong now.”
In abusive dynamics, saying "no" becomes risky — not always because of physical danger, but because of the aftermath: days of sulking, blame, exhausting debates, or cold withdrawal. This persistent punishment for non-compliance teaches the victim to stop resisting.
The abuser might say, “I’m just trying to talk,” but in reality, it’s an exhausting cycle — one that wears down the victim’s capacity to say or even feel “no.” Decisions stop being based on what’s right for them, and instead become about what will end the conflict.
Sometimes, coercion escalates into unmistakable intimidation — threats and fear used as a weapon to secure compliance.
“If I disagreed with him, he’d stand over me, clench his fists, and say, ‘You’re really going to make me do this?’ I always backed down. Every time.”
This kind of physical and verbal aggression leaves a lasting mark. Even when the threats aren’t repeated, the memory of them becomes enough to silence future resistance. Over time, the victim starts anticipating the abuser’s preferences and adjusts their choices accordingly — not out of agreement, but out of fear.
Destroying Self-Trust One Comment at a Time
Decision-making relies on a foundational belief: that your thoughts and feelings are valid. In relationships marked by coercive control, that belief is slowly dismantled.
Abusers often belittle or mock their partner’s choices through sarcasm, patronising remarks, or subtle ridicule. Over time, this chips away at a person’s confidence in their own judgment.
One survivor wrote, “I had no idea what I even liked anymore! And I doubted decisions and constantly second guessed myself.”
Another added, “When your internal guide has been systematically tampered with or nearly destroyed, it’s an uphill battle to trust your own decisions.”
The manipulation is often framed as concern or logic:
“I just don’t think that’s a good idea — you always get these things wrong.”
“You’re so emotional. Just calm down and let me handle it.”
Such comments send the clear message that you’re not competent enough to decide. Eventually, victims internalise this and begin relying on their abuser to make even simple decisions.
The effects go far beyond the relationship. Survivors often find themselves paralysed by small choices long after leaving — wondering if their preferences are wrong, irrational, or deserving of criticism. This ongoing confusion is one of the ways coercive control affects decision-making, leaving a psychological residue that’s hard to shake.
The Illusion of Choice in Coercive Relationships
Control isn’t always exercised through force. Sometimes, it’s maintained by offering meaningless choices or withholding vital information until it’s too late.
One survivor said, “Oh, he asked my opinion on refinancing the house — three options, and he chose the one directly opposite of what I preferred. Then I had no choice but to sign the papers.”
Another added, “He made it look like I had a say by asking me to pick the curtain colour — but he already bought the house.”
These experiences reveal a common tactic of giving the appearance of collaboration while keeping real power out of reach. It’s a manipulative strategy where the victim’s input is solicited but ignored, creating the illusion that they’re part of the process.
Over time, this dynamic teaches victims that their voice changes nothing. Their consent becomes a formality, their preferences irrelevant. Eventually, many stop offering input at all. This quiet retreat is another way coercive control affects decision-making, training the victim to disappear from their own life.
Urgency, Pressure, and No Room to Reconsider
Healthy decisions are made with space — space to think, ask questions, and change your mind. In coercively controlled relationships, that space is denied.
Victims are frequently pushed to decide quickly, often under emotional stress, and then blamed or shamed if they hesitate or change their minds later.
One survivor described: “You are not allowed to make one decision. Ask a question. Only communicate through text. And know nothing. They gaslight you to take focus off their actions.”
Another added: “I ended up utterly demoralised by constantly having to fight for a say in any decision and still usually being invalidated or condescended to.”
Abusers often create artificial deadlines, raising the stakes or applying emotional pressure to force a rushed decision.
“I was cooking dinner and my husband told me we needed to decide then and there if we were going to purchase a particular house. I told him I couldn't decide in that moment, and he said, ‘Ok then, if you can't decide now, I will just make the decision for myself.’”
The pace is deliberately overwhelming, designed to make sure the victim can’t respond with confidence. Even reasonable hesitation is met with blame:
“You said yes — now you’re going to change your mind again?”
“You’re being dramatic. We already agreed.”
This creates long-term anxiety around decision-making. Victims learn it’s easier to comply than to risk being mocked, ignored, or punished. This is another critical way coercive control affects decision-making — by replacing thoughtful choices with reflexive compliance.
Rebuilding the Right to Choose After Coercion
Leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t magically restore confidence. Many survivors find that, even after regaining physical freedom, their decision-making ability is still compromised. Years of being silenced or second-guessed leaves a painful void.
One survivor shared, “After I left him, suddenly I was faced with decisions I had never had to make before because he had always decided everything for me… I had to relearn how to make choices for myself, which was both terrifying and freeing.”
Another wrote, “I grieved for the years I felt I wasted trying to make the relationship work… but I embraced the freedom of finally being able to make decisions without criticism.”
This part of healing takes time. It often starts small — choosing meals, wearing different clothes, setting a boundary — but each act is powerful. With every decision, the survivor reconnects with their own identity.
“I can think about what I want and especially what I need, make my own decisions and mistakes,” one woman explained. “I can enjoy the simple things in life. I now have the space to get to know me in all my imperfections.”
Though the process is slow, this is where recovery begins — in the quiet, everyday choices that start to reflect the survivor’s true self. This is how healing from coercive control affects decision-making in the most liberating way.
How to Support a Survivor’s Right to Decide
If someone you care about is healing from coercive control, the most meaningful thing you can do is step back — and let them step forward. Even loving guidance can feel intrusive when someone is learning to trust their own voice.
One survivor offered this: “Don’t tell them what they need to do. They have enough of that already. Let them know you see them and will support them no matter what. Help them to feel like they have the ability to make decisions and take some control for themself.”
Survivors don’t need to be told what to do. They need to be supported in discovering it. Offer space, not answers. Ask questions instead of giving instructions. Be patient with hesitation and celebrate small decisions. Above all, show them that their right to choose matters.
Because ultimately, healing begins when a survivor realises that the right to decide has always been — and will always be — theirs.
Featured image: Coercive control undermines decision-making. Source: Dragana Gordic / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.