I can definitely relate to a lot of this, particularly the sexual entitlement. My ex used the phrase "base package" to refer to the sexual acts he felt entitled to. Like there was a list of acts I wasn't allowed to say no to, because "that's the base package" meaning that's what you "get" when you have a partner. It didn't matter what I wanted, because he felt that he was being denied something that was his right. He tried withholding certain acts because he thought that would motivate me to perform, but it just frustrated him because I would say "I wouldn't ask you to do something sexual that you didn't want to do" but it wasn't that he didn't want to do it, he just wanted to punish me for not satisfying him the way he wanted.
Funny enough, that was what led to us trying an open relationship, which ultimately opened my eyes to how badly I was being treated, and ended our marriage.
Thank you for sharing with so much honesty and vulnerability. That reference to 'base package' is so unbelievably dehumanising, reducing intimacy to an expected transaction instead of mutual care and respect 😔 I'm really sorry you went through that but I admire how you held onto your own sense of what was respectful. There's something really powerful in the fact that the attempt to control you actually ended up being the thing that opened your eyes and set you free.
I can relate to this. Mine would even keep track of how long it had been since we’d last have sex and then whine until I gave in and get PISSED if I didn’t. It was so damaging. I’ve been out for two years and I’ll be healing from the things he did for the rest of my life.
I love this. Entitlement, ownership, and punishment. I like that you linked the individual sense of entitlement to the broader systems that encourage it, like patriarchy.
I can totally relate to the entitlement, punishmemt for perceived wrongs, and wanting spend own money (ha! The only reason I could even see the checking account was because my now deceased fathers account was at the same bank).
I can definitely relate to a lot of this, particularly the sexual entitlement. My ex used the phrase "base package" to refer to the sexual acts he felt entitled to. Like there was a list of acts I wasn't allowed to say no to, because "that's the base package" meaning that's what you "get" when you have a partner. It didn't matter what I wanted, because he felt that he was being denied something that was his right. He tried withholding certain acts because he thought that would motivate me to perform, but it just frustrated him because I would say "I wouldn't ask you to do something sexual that you didn't want to do" but it wasn't that he didn't want to do it, he just wanted to punish me for not satisfying him the way he wanted.
Funny enough, that was what led to us trying an open relationship, which ultimately opened my eyes to how badly I was being treated, and ended our marriage.
Thank you for sharing with so much honesty and vulnerability. That reference to 'base package' is so unbelievably dehumanising, reducing intimacy to an expected transaction instead of mutual care and respect 😔 I'm really sorry you went through that but I admire how you held onto your own sense of what was respectful. There's something really powerful in the fact that the attempt to control you actually ended up being the thing that opened your eyes and set you free.
I can relate to this. Mine would even keep track of how long it had been since we’d last have sex and then whine until I gave in and get PISSED if I didn’t. It was so damaging. I’ve been out for two years and I’ll be healing from the things he did for the rest of my life.
I'm 3 years out and I feel the same, I will be healing from that damage forever
🫂 🫂
Completely true I have no idea why abusers see themselves as saviors or heroes after taking your money happiness and self-esteem
I love this. Entitlement, ownership, and punishment. I like that you linked the individual sense of entitlement to the broader systems that encourage it, like patriarchy.
I can totally relate to the entitlement, punishmemt for perceived wrongs, and wanting spend own money (ha! The only reason I could even see the checking account was because my now deceased fathers account was at the same bank).
This is well written and true. Thank you!
If not all, this post has some reasons, https://balrajkaur.substack.com/p/part-4-the-cruel-silencewhen-justice
That's not helpful in a discussion of coercive control. It's not the patriarchy gaslight ING a woman in these circumstances, it's a narcissist.