The Entitlement Behind Abuse: Why Abusers Believe You ‘Owe Them’

Domestic abuse doesn’t just happen out of nowhere. It grows out of an attitude, a mindset that convinces the abuser they have the right to special treatment. At the very core of this mindset is entitlement.

Entitlement is the abuser’s belief that they are owed certain privileges, obedience, or unquestioned fulfillment of their needs from their partner – no questions asked. When they don’t get what they feel they are owed, an abuser’s entitled mindset can trigger anger, ‘punishment’, and justification for their abusive behavior.

For many survivors, recognising this pattern of entitlement helps make sense of confusing and painful experiences. What might have felt personal - “Why can’t I do anything right?” - is actually part of a wider abusive script that many perpetrators share.

The Entitled Mindset

An abuser’s inflated sense of relational entitlement mean that they believe their partner exists to meet their needs. This can include anything from cooking and cleaning, to providing sex on demand, to maintaining the relationship no matter how badly they behave.

This mindset is not just about individual personality but is often reinforced by cultural messages and gender roles. Many survivors of male-perpetrated abuse describe how their partner believed he was “the head of the household,” and therefore had the right to dictate what happened in the relationship.

When reality doesn’t line up with these entitled expectations, such as when a partner resists control, asks for respect, or simply says “no”, the abuser interprets this as a personal insult. To them, it’s not just a disagreement, it’s defiance. And in their mind, defiance deserves to be “corrected.”

At its core, domestic abuse is about control, and control is upheld by entitlement. From everyday criticisms to the most extreme acts of violence, the abuser’s script is the same: “I had a right to do this because of what my partner did or did not do for me.”

How Entitlement Shows Up in a Relationship

The abuser’s inflated sense of entitlement spills out into their everyday behaviors. Their partners often describe patterns like these:

Controlling Decisions

An abuser with an entitled mindset believes they have the final say on everything: finances, parenting, who you see, what you wear, even whether you’re “allowed” to leave the house. Their partner is deliberately excluded or manipulated into compliance, with no genuine opportunity to give or withhold consent. And the message they tell themselves is always the same, “I know best, and you owe me obedience.”

If a survivor tries to assert independence, say by spending their own money, choosing their own clothes, or going out with friends, the abuser sees this as a challenge to their authority. That challenge often triggers anger, intimidation, or harsher control.

The impact is deeply destabilising. When decisions are made without you, or even against your objections, it sends the strong message that your voice doesn’t matter. Over time, it strips away your sense of agency and leaves you feeling like a passenger in your own life.

Dismissing Feelings and Emotional Needs

Entitlement shapes the way abusers handle emotions in a relationship. The believe that your feelings and your needs just don't matter as much as theirs do. They expect you to prioritise them above everything else. The underlying belief is: “My emotions matter more than yours, and it’s your job to meet my needs.”

This often shows up in situations like jealousy. Instead of recognising jealousy as their own insecurity to deal with, an abuser reframes it as a right: “I have a right to know where you are at all times.” If the survivor pushes back, the abuser may respond with, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t mind.” In their mind, their discomfort justifies control, and their partner’s feelings of frustration or fear are irrelevant.

Over time, this entitled mindset erodes the survivor’s self-worth. When one person’s emotions are consistently dismissed, and the other’s are treated as the only ones that matter, the relationship becomes a one-way street. Many survivors describe feeling as though their role was not to be a partner with equal needs, but to absorb, soothe, and accommodate the abuser’s emotions, no matter the cost to themselves.

Sexual Entitlement

One of the most damaging forms of entitlement is sexual entitlement. Many perpetrators act as though they own their partner’s body. They see sex not as a shared expression of intimacy but as something they are owed.

This mindset plays out in countless ways. Some victims describe being pressured or guilt-tripped into sex, told it was their “duty” as a wife or partner regardless of whether they felt willing. Others recall being threatened with anger, rejection, or infidelity if they did not comply. In its most extreme form, entitlement can escalate to outright assault or marital rape, justified in the abuser’s mind as nothing more than claiming what is “theirs.”

Research backs up what survivors have long known. Studies show that men who feel entitled in relationships are more likely to ignore their partner’s boundaries and use coercion. For example, one study by Gleason and colleagues (2019) found that young men who agreed with beliefs like, “If I take a woman out and pay for everything, I deserve sexual favors,” were significantly more likely to report using pressure, manipulation, or force to get sex.

Punishment and “Discipline”

Because entitlement frames resistance or independence as an offense, abusers adopt a quasi-parental or authoritarian stance of ‘disciplining’ their partner. Their punishment can take many forms such as physical violence, withholding affection, silent treatment, or taking away access to money, transport, or means of communication.

Abusers often justify these punishments as lessons, as if they are teaching their partner how to behave properly. Phrases like, “I wouldn’t have to hit you if you just listened,” or “This is for your own good,” reveal just how deep this entitlement runs. They present their actions as reasonable corrections rather than what they truly are – abuse.

At its heart, it is about an abuser believing they are entitled to enforce obedience and to correct their partner’s behavior as if they were property or a child. That belief denies the most basic truth of any healthy relationship – that both people are equal and deserving of respect and autonomy.

Entitlement at Its Most Dangerous: “If I Can’t Have You, No One Can”

The sense of ownership that comes with entitlement is particularly dangerous when a survivor tries to leave. Abusers often see separation as the ultimate betrayal, a direct threat to their control.

For some, this triggers stalking, harassment, or financial sabotage. For others, it escalates to physical assaults or threats of homicide. Tragically, many domestic homicides happen at the point of separation, because the abuser’s entitlement convinces them that if they cannot have their partner, nobody else should either.

In a tragic 1999 case, 17‑year‑old Nicole Sanchez was shot and killed by her 23‑year‑old boyfriend, Lionel Villarreal, after she tried to end their relationship. Family members stated that Nicole's father had noticed concerning patterns in the relationship. Villarreal yelled, “If I can’t have you, nobody can,” moments before shooting Nicole between the legs, delivering a fatal wound. His words in that moment laid bare the entitled mindset driving the violence.

Why Understanding Entitlement Matters

For survivors, understanding entitlement can be life-changing. Many spend years believing the abuse was driven by anger, stress, alcohol, or unresolved trauma. While those things may play a part, the deeper truth is that abusers act from a belief system that convinces them their needs come first.

This shift is powerful because it makes clear that the abuse was not caused by you and cannot be excused by circumstances. It was not about your flaws, mistakes, or weaknesses. It was about someone else’s belief that they were entitled to control you.

Understanding this is crucial for both preventing domestic abuse and responding to it. It shifts the focus from seeing abuse as just anger or impulse, to seeing it as a belief-driven choice, one where the perpetrator feels morally or socially authorized to behave as they do.

Featured image: Entitlement fuels abuse. Source: Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

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