Stolen Joy: How Abusers Obstruct Hobbies and Talents

In abusive relationships, control often extends beyond the everyday—it infiltrates the personal joys and hobbies of the victim. Abusers may gradually or blatantly strip away the pleasure and freedom these activities provide. As time passes, people may find themselves abandoning the pastimes that once brought them happiness. This article shares the stories of survivors who have lost touch with their hobbies and rekindled their interests following abusive relationships.

The Gradual Loss of Hobbies

For many survivors, letting go of hobbies doesn’t happen overnight. It's a slow, painful process driven by emotional abuse, constant criticism, and gaslighting.

“I gradually gave up all my hobbies and interests during my marriage,” one survivor shared. “It just wasn’t worth the insults, teasing, cold shouldering, and anger. I did what he wanted instead.”

This kind of discouragement serves to shift the victim's focus entirely onto the abuser’s needs, leaving little room for personal interests. The survivor's life becomes centred on catering to the abuser, and their own hobbies start to fade into the background.

“I crochet since I was 10 years old. He had a problem with that. He had a problem with absolutely everything that brings me joy,” shared another survivor.

The ongoing negativity wears the victim down, leading them to question the validity of their own passions.

Belittling and Undermining Interests

A common tactic used by abusers is to demean or mock the victim’s hobbies, making them seem unimportant, silly, or a waste of time.

“He said I was doing boring stuff—colouring, journaling, reading, arts and crafts. He told me I was wasting my money and time buying supplies and even threatened to throw them away. I told him I would just keep buying them.”

For many people, hobbies are more than leisurely activities—they represent peace, joy, and a form of self-expression. Unfortunately, in abusive relationships, even these positive outlets are controlled and devalued.

A violinist described how her passion for music became an easy target: “Yes, I am a violinist. I’ve played since I was eight. If I played for his friends, he would encourage me. But if I played on my own or wanted to go to concerts, he would mock me, say that my music was boring. I would only play if he wasn’t home. Now I’m back in an orchestra.”

Stifling the Joy of Learning

For some, hobbies are not only about unwinding but also about personal growth and exploration. Yet even this pursuit of self-improvement can be a source of tension in abusive relationships.

“One year, I took a semester of Japanese at GA Tech, and he was instantly suspicious of it. At the end of the semester, a classmate held a party, and we all brought our spouses. His reaction was to think it was all weird. Any kind of learning on my part irked him. Friends from outside his social networks were a cause for suspicion.”

To an abuser, a partner's desire to learn or expand their horizons can seem threatening. Keeping their world small maintains the power dynamic. The more a person grows, the harder it becomes for the abuser to exert control.

Depletion of Health and Energy

Abuse does not only take an emotional and psychological toll but also drains the victim physically. Constant stress and demands can leave someone exhausted, making it difficult to engage in hobbies.

“He kept me so busy with all of his wants and needs that I didn’t have the energy to do any of my interests or hobbies,” shared one survivor, “And it’s not like we ever did anything I wanted to do—it was truly all about him and what I could do for him.”

The continuous state of fatigue often causes hobbies to fall by the wayside, simply because there’s no energy left to pursue them. “When my health got worse when I was with him, I began to recognize what an energy vampire he was for me.”

Sabotage Driven by Jealousy

In many situations, abusers are motivated by jealousy of their partner's talents or interests, and they aim to destroy the activities that bring the victim joy.

“All my abusers did this,” commented one person. “They either found ways to exclude me from my hobbies, discourage or minimize me from doing them, or even destroy them entirely. My abusive ex once smashed my keyboard. I demanded a replacement, but he would find ways to hinder me from playing or even going to choir and orchestra rehearsals.”

Abusers may go to great lengths to sabotage any interest that doesn’t revolve around them, even dictating the terms of what hobbies their partner is allowed to pursue. One survivor shared, “It had to be something he wanted to do as well if it required money, time, or travel. I could have other interests, but they needed to be only on the computer. No physical hobbies, no talking about the hobby, and no letting the hobby get in the way of him.”

This jealousy and resentment can be so intense that abusers actively work to undermine their partner's passions, not just to control them but to ensure they never experience happiness or fulfilment outside the relationship.

Reclaiming Hobbies After Abuse

Rebuilding a connection to hobbies and passions after ending an abusive relationship is often a challenging and slow process. The long-term effects of manipulation, ridicule, and isolation can make it difficult to rediscover the joy that these activities once brought.

Reflecting on his recovery, one survivor said, “Six years out, and I haven't really been able to rekindle any interest in things that I was once enthusiastic about. There was a time when I had the health and energy to pursue some of these things, but now I either lack the energy or the manual dexterity. My workshop and tools have fallen into disrepair, and just living is about all I can do.”

For others, reclaiming hobbies is a crucial step in their healing journey. Finding a way back to the activities that once brought happiness can be an empowering way to rebuild a life free from control.

Finding Strength Through Rebuilding

The experiences shared by these survivors reveal how deeply abusive relationships can infiltrate and damage a person's sense of identity and autonomy. The hobbies, interests, and passions that once provided joy are often the first casualties. For those caught in these relationships, the loss goes beyond merely giving up a pastime—it signifies a loss of self and freedom.

Yet, for many survivors, reclaiming these hobbies also becomes a pathway to healing. As one survivor put it, “Abusers can take away a lot, but they can’t take away your right to rebuild.”

Featured images: Survivors recount how they lost and rekindled joy in their hobbies after abusive relationships. Source: Bangkok Click Studio / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.