I experienced this. We didn’t live together, but he would insist on phone calls that lasted late into the night. If I fell asleep while we were talking he’d become angry and accuse me of not caring about him. I was regularly operating on less than four hours of sleep - it took a serious toll on my mental and physical health that I still am dealing with 15+ years later.
I totally understand how that took such a serious mental and physical toll on you! The body literally can't cope with that amount of sleep for a sustained period of time, it absolutely breaks you down. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that 🫂💛
This was especially difficult to read this morning after reverting back to my usual pattern of only sleeping about 3 hours a night for the past few days.
Christina’s experience mirrors my own with my two previous marriages. With my second wife, she kept me awake for three days with the same circular fight. I got maybe 7 hours of sleep total over that period, being heavily shamed for needing sleep in the meantime. By the time it was finally over I felt that something had broken inside me and I knew the marriage was over. I left her four months later.
Thanks for sharing this Andy. I can appreciate how hard this was to read, especially when the pattern feels so familiar in your own life. You were subjected to so much and feeling like something inside you finally reached its limit makes total sense! I am so glad you got away.
Somewhat, but not really, off topic: Are you aware of any phone messaging apps which are only activated by passcode or face ID? I've recently learned that one of my aunts is dealing with a very similar situation to the one I left last year. I want to be a source of support to her, but she is rightly concerned about not having privacy with her texting app.
My husband used sleep deprivation to sexually coerce me. He would shake me awake and attempt to have sex. If I gave in, fine. If I resisted, he’d pause and let me drift off to sleep, only to shake me awake again. This would go on all night some nights until I gave in or until he finally gave up and angrily went downstairs to watch tv. I knew I would have to deal with his anger the next day and would be upset with myself for not just getting it over with. Thanks for bringing more awareness to this.
Thank you for addressing this. This is one of the sinister tactics abusers use. One cannot function without sleep. They wear you down and make you sick. Terrible, terrible.
Wow. Holy moly. This hit me like a truck. Currently in the process of reclaiming myself and my sleep again. I have worked hard for sleep for so many years because I was wired for the disruption. It never occurred this was yet another NPD tactic. Thanks!
That kind of realisation is huge and I really know what that's like when you hear someone's similar story and then you look back and go....oh, that's what that was! Especially when you realise something was an intentional strategy all along and you hadn't clocked it at the time. I hope it is in some way validating for you 💛
I was so sick I had to leave my job, but he kept me up until 12 or 1 in the morning watching old TV shows in the bedroom. "You don't get up at 4 for work anymore ."
I had to get up early to take care of the kids and pets. Finally I ended up in the ER. Severe bronchitis and asthma.
He still wouldn't let me go to bed before he allowed it.
That's awful Saffi, I'm so sorry you were subjected to that 😞 It's no wonder you became so sick. The lack of sleep was completely breaking you down. Anyone keeping someone awake like that, and despite pleas to be left to rest, is absolutely using sleep as leverage to exert control.
Oh yes, I'd forgotten about the tv on in the bedroom. Goodness me. I don't even have a tv in my bedroom now. He'd always want the tv on as it 'helped him to get to sleep'. Didn't matter what I wanted.
And the constant battles if I was tired and wanted to go to bed before him.
That so clearly shows the sense of entitlement that all abusers have - it's all about their wants and needs, and with a total disregard for what you need, even when it's causing you harm 😞
I remember buying a Fitbit to start tracking my sleep as I knew I wasn't getting enough. Besides the snoring my ex would always fidget to keep me awake, or take the covers off of me and would also wake up very early and do his ritualistic throat clearing very loudly and sometimes whistling. I do remember those words mentioned in Christina's story -"If I can't sleep, then why should you" said to me on many occasions, or would say things like "I can't believe you want to go to sleep and not sort this out" to keep me from sleeping whilst he wanting to go round and round in a never ending argument.
It was bad enough having 3 children that would wake me up in the night (very occasionally) but having a husband who would do so to keep me knackered was too much.
After doing my research around narcissism and learning that he would never change I finally got divorced.
But it didn't end there! I had to live with him for 27 months as he refused to move out or sell our house, I had to go through the courts to get an order for sale.
He continued the abuse through post-separation abuse via the children, school, courts, pretty much any avenue that he could use.
It has been a long journey but I am now in the happiest place I have ever been and rarely have to speak to him.
Thanks for sharing this Sam. That moment of realisation when you suddenly see the behaviour wasn't random but deliberate is huge. And then once you see it, you can never unsee it!
I'm so glad you were able to get out of that situation. I cannot imagine what those 27 months must have been like 😩
So happy to hear you have found your happy place 💛
So many things that you write about click for me. I haven’t even talked in detail with anyone other than my mom about the level of sleep deprivation I endured for two years. He had/has a drug problem and when he started getting me to take what he was taking, it was under the guise of me being available to work. See, we own a business together in the insurance field. Another aspect of the abuse is that he controlled not only my financial access, but also my professional career - he decided when I worked and how I worked.
But back to the sleeping topic….. the drug became a common method of getting me to stay up with him for days on end. I initially protested regularly about taking it until he made it clear I was better off to just do that. If I tried to take a nap, I would be woken up very abruptly - waking up to being dragged out of bed by my ankles so he could rape me; or waking with a pillow over my face. Or even just waking to a text informing me he had left the house and was going to kill himself, sending me into instant panic. It got to the point where I was afraid to fall asleep for what I would wake up to with him.
The drug became something I wanted so as to avoid sleeping while he was awake - but definitely not because I liked taking it…. I would plead with him about when it would be time that we could stop. And when he did finally sleep every few days, I would lay next to him only dozing so as to keep watch of when he would wake up because he would always demand I get him something or do something for him (sex) immediately.
I spent at least a solid year in a cycle of getting only slight rest every three to four days. Maybe I could get 3 hrs, maybe 6, before it all started over again for another 3-4 days. When I started refusing to take the drug again, he informed me that he would just make me take enough to cause my heart to “explode” - and then just wave his handgun at me as a reminder that he had the power to take my life away fully.
All this while my body dove full speed into perimenopause….
Thank you for courageously sharing your story Jess, especially considering you haven't talked to anyone about this. Even though the words can be so hard to write, I hope it brings some relief to finally be able to speak your truth.
I am so very sorry you have been subjected to so much violation and abuse. 😞 You never deserved any of it and you have shown so much resilience to have been able to escape that and to be here now talking about it 💛
Thank you for raising this. I hadn’t considered before that this was a deliberate tactic that my ex was using. But now reading your article in was abundantly clear and the recognition brought me to tears. My ex loved to start an argument just as I was getting to sleep. He worked shift work and had zero respect for the fact that I worked a different shift, so if he got up at 3am then so must I. He would turn all the lights on and make as much noise as possible. If he started a late shift then he would watch loud movies until the early hours of the morning, would want to chat when he got into bed at 2am even though I had to be up at 6. If I had an early start he would invent some calamity or argument late the night before. I functioned on just 3 or 4 hours of sleep for years. I was too drained to resist. It worked 😢
Wow, I never thought I'd read about this but when my wife was raging she would turn the television on really loud in the bedroom and walk out so I couldn't sleepnand I didn't dare turn it off.
My ex husband did this constantly, and more so after I was diagnosed with a sleep disorder. It was obvious he was trying to cause me to have a car accident on my commute to work.
That's really terrifying, and something I didn't think to mention in the article - about the risk of a car accident I mean. It's so true. The lack of sleep will obviously have a severe impact on the body, but when we are sleep deprived that comes with so many other risks for our safety too. Thanks for sharing this.
I experienced this. We didn’t live together, but he would insist on phone calls that lasted late into the night. If I fell asleep while we were talking he’d become angry and accuse me of not caring about him. I was regularly operating on less than four hours of sleep - it took a serious toll on my mental and physical health that I still am dealing with 15+ years later.
I totally understand how that took such a serious mental and physical toll on you! The body literally can't cope with that amount of sleep for a sustained period of time, it absolutely breaks you down. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that 🫂💛
I had a similar experience in a long distance relationship. He knew I had to get up early for work and yet he insisted on staying late.
This was especially difficult to read this morning after reverting back to my usual pattern of only sleeping about 3 hours a night for the past few days.
Christina’s experience mirrors my own with my two previous marriages. With my second wife, she kept me awake for three days with the same circular fight. I got maybe 7 hours of sleep total over that period, being heavily shamed for needing sleep in the meantime. By the time it was finally over I felt that something had broken inside me and I knew the marriage was over. I left her four months later.
Thanks for sharing this Andy. I can appreciate how hard this was to read, especially when the pattern feels so familiar in your own life. You were subjected to so much and feeling like something inside you finally reached its limit makes total sense! I am so glad you got away.
Somewhat, but not really, off topic: Are you aware of any phone messaging apps which are only activated by passcode or face ID? I've recently learned that one of my aunts is dealing with a very similar situation to the one I left last year. I want to be a source of support to her, but she is rightly concerned about not having privacy with her texting app.
My husband used sleep deprivation to sexually coerce me. He would shake me awake and attempt to have sex. If I gave in, fine. If I resisted, he’d pause and let me drift off to sleep, only to shake me awake again. This would go on all night some nights until I gave in or until he finally gave up and angrily went downstairs to watch tv. I knew I would have to deal with his anger the next day and would be upset with myself for not just getting it over with. Thanks for bringing more awareness to this.
Technically, that's rape.
So sorry you went through this x
That's absolutely awful Jen, what you were subjected to was a profound violation. I'm sorry 😞🫂💛
Thank you for addressing this. This is one of the sinister tactics abusers use. One cannot function without sleep. They wear you down and make you sick. Terrible, terrible.
Yes, so sinister and insidious!
Sleep deprivation, noise harassment it goes on and on. Thank you for your writings. They are awesome!
Wow. Holy moly. This hit me like a truck. Currently in the process of reclaiming myself and my sleep again. I have worked hard for sleep for so many years because I was wired for the disruption. It never occurred this was yet another NPD tactic. Thanks!
That kind of realisation is huge and I really know what that's like when you hear someone's similar story and then you look back and go....oh, that's what that was! Especially when you realise something was an intentional strategy all along and you hadn't clocked it at the time. I hope it is in some way validating for you 💛
Completely valididating.. thank you. I have been tossing this around in my head since I read your post. 💚
Intentionally inducing sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
Thank you for acknowledging this tactic as well as the profound impact that it has on victims.
Thank you for saying this. I appreciate you adding your voice here.
I was so sick I had to leave my job, but he kept me up until 12 or 1 in the morning watching old TV shows in the bedroom. "You don't get up at 4 for work anymore ."
I had to get up early to take care of the kids and pets. Finally I ended up in the ER. Severe bronchitis and asthma.
He still wouldn't let me go to bed before he allowed it.
That's awful Saffi, I'm so sorry you were subjected to that 😞 It's no wonder you became so sick. The lack of sleep was completely breaking you down. Anyone keeping someone awake like that, and despite pleas to be left to rest, is absolutely using sleep as leverage to exert control.
Oh yes, I'd forgotten about the tv on in the bedroom. Goodness me. I don't even have a tv in my bedroom now. He'd always want the tv on as it 'helped him to get to sleep'. Didn't matter what I wanted.
And the constant battles if I was tired and wanted to go to bed before him.
That so clearly shows the sense of entitlement that all abusers have - it's all about their wants and needs, and with a total disregard for what you need, even when it's causing you harm 😞
I remember buying a Fitbit to start tracking my sleep as I knew I wasn't getting enough. Besides the snoring my ex would always fidget to keep me awake, or take the covers off of me and would also wake up very early and do his ritualistic throat clearing very loudly and sometimes whistling. I do remember those words mentioned in Christina's story -"If I can't sleep, then why should you" said to me on many occasions, or would say things like "I can't believe you want to go to sleep and not sort this out" to keep me from sleeping whilst he wanting to go round and round in a never ending argument.
It was bad enough having 3 children that would wake me up in the night (very occasionally) but having a husband who would do so to keep me knackered was too much.
After doing my research around narcissism and learning that he would never change I finally got divorced.
But it didn't end there! I had to live with him for 27 months as he refused to move out or sell our house, I had to go through the courts to get an order for sale.
He continued the abuse through post-separation abuse via the children, school, courts, pretty much any avenue that he could use.
It has been a long journey but I am now in the happiest place I have ever been and rarely have to speak to him.
Thanks for sharing this Sam. That moment of realisation when you suddenly see the behaviour wasn't random but deliberate is huge. And then once you see it, you can never unsee it!
I'm so glad you were able to get out of that situation. I cannot imagine what those 27 months must have been like 😩
So happy to hear you have found your happy place 💛
So many things that you write about click for me. I haven’t even talked in detail with anyone other than my mom about the level of sleep deprivation I endured for two years. He had/has a drug problem and when he started getting me to take what he was taking, it was under the guise of me being available to work. See, we own a business together in the insurance field. Another aspect of the abuse is that he controlled not only my financial access, but also my professional career - he decided when I worked and how I worked.
But back to the sleeping topic….. the drug became a common method of getting me to stay up with him for days on end. I initially protested regularly about taking it until he made it clear I was better off to just do that. If I tried to take a nap, I would be woken up very abruptly - waking up to being dragged out of bed by my ankles so he could rape me; or waking with a pillow over my face. Or even just waking to a text informing me he had left the house and was going to kill himself, sending me into instant panic. It got to the point where I was afraid to fall asleep for what I would wake up to with him.
The drug became something I wanted so as to avoid sleeping while he was awake - but definitely not because I liked taking it…. I would plead with him about when it would be time that we could stop. And when he did finally sleep every few days, I would lay next to him only dozing so as to keep watch of when he would wake up because he would always demand I get him something or do something for him (sex) immediately.
I spent at least a solid year in a cycle of getting only slight rest every three to four days. Maybe I could get 3 hrs, maybe 6, before it all started over again for another 3-4 days. When I started refusing to take the drug again, he informed me that he would just make me take enough to cause my heart to “explode” - and then just wave his handgun at me as a reminder that he had the power to take my life away fully.
All this while my body dove full speed into perimenopause….
Thank you for courageously sharing your story Jess, especially considering you haven't talked to anyone about this. Even though the words can be so hard to write, I hope it brings some relief to finally be able to speak your truth.
I am so very sorry you have been subjected to so much violation and abuse. 😞 You never deserved any of it and you have shown so much resilience to have been able to escape that and to be here now talking about it 💛
Thank you for raising this. I hadn’t considered before that this was a deliberate tactic that my ex was using. But now reading your article in was abundantly clear and the recognition brought me to tears. My ex loved to start an argument just as I was getting to sleep. He worked shift work and had zero respect for the fact that I worked a different shift, so if he got up at 3am then so must I. He would turn all the lights on and make as much noise as possible. If he started a late shift then he would watch loud movies until the early hours of the morning, would want to chat when he got into bed at 2am even though I had to be up at 6. If I had an early start he would invent some calamity or argument late the night before. I functioned on just 3 or 4 hours of sleep for years. I was too drained to resist. It worked 😢
Same…exact….experience!
Wow, I never thought I'd read about this but when my wife was raging she would turn the television on really loud in the bedroom and walk out so I couldn't sleepnand I didn't dare turn it off.
My ex husband did this constantly, and more so after I was diagnosed with a sleep disorder. It was obvious he was trying to cause me to have a car accident on my commute to work.
That's really terrifying, and something I didn't think to mention in the article - about the risk of a car accident I mean. It's so true. The lack of sleep will obviously have a severe impact on the body, but when we are sleep deprived that comes with so many other risks for our safety too. Thanks for sharing this.