Recognizing Gaslighting: 15 Warning Signs to Be Aware Of

Gaslighting is a manipulative strategy used to gain dominance and control over someone. Identifying the signs of gaslighting is vital, as it creates uncertainty in a person's mind. This induced self-doubt causes them to question their perception of reality.

The term "gaslighting" originates from the 1944 movie "Gas Light." In this film, Charles Boyer's character, Gregory, attempts to make his wife Paula, portrayed by Ingrid Bergman, doubt her own reality. He manipulates the gas lights to flicker, but when Paula points it out, he insists it's all in her mind. His lies and deception leave her feeling unsteady and confused.

Gaslighting occurs in unhealthy relationships and is a type of psychological manipulation. While it frequently happens in romantic relationships, it can also be found in family dynamics or workplace environments.

The disorienting nature of gaslighting often leaves victims unaware that it's taking place. If not confronted, it can severely impact your mental health and overall well-being.

Below are 15 indicators of gaslighting in a relationship.

What Gaslighting Looks Like

1. Lies: The Cornerstone of Gaslighting

Individuals who engage in gaslighting are often habitual and pathological liars. They lie blatantly and consistently, refusing to back down or alter their stories even when confronted with evidence. Despite clear truths, gaslighters can be extremely convincing. They may distort stories to make themselves look better or falsely accuse you of being mistaken, forgetful, or untrustworthy. A typical example is denying an affair despite clear proof, such as incriminating texts.

This relentless lying is not just a manipulation tactic; it's a hallmark of a toxic personality that leaves the victim in a state of constant doubt and confusion. Continuous deceit can be highly disorienting, making it hard to trust others and severely impacting mental health.

2. Denying Reality, Erasing the Truth

Gaslighters often deny events or insist they occurred differently than you remember. For example, they might deny promising to do something for you or claim they never shouted at you when they did. Common phrases from gaslighters include, “I never agreed to that,” “Did you forget again? I’m worried about you,” or simply, “That never happened.”

They frequently deny lying, hurting your feelings, or any wrongdoing. Instead, they insist you misunderstood, remembered incorrectly, or are making things up to hurt them. They might even blame you for your reactions rather than taking responsibility. These denials can erode your sense of reality, making you doubt your own memories.

3. Attacking What You Love Most

Gaslighters use manipulative tactics to make you question yourself and your values by targeting what you hold dear. If you love your job, they might criticize it, making you doubt your career choice. If you have children, they might make you feel like a terrible parent, saying things like, "You shouldn't have had kids if you can't handle them." By attacking what you love most, they target your identity and self-worth.

Gaslighters may also mock your hobbies, favorite movies, or fashion choices. Harmless teasing turns into constant belittling of your interests. The goal is to gradually erode your self-esteem, making you rely on their approval. Gaslighters believe they know what's best for you, causing you to doubt your judgment. Their aim is to make you dependent on them, stripping away your autonomy and reinforcing their control.

4. Words Versus Actions: The Hollow Promises

Gaslighters use words to disguise or excuse bad behavior. They might say they care about you, but their actions often contradict this supposed love and care. For instance, they may claim to support you while criticizing your choices. They might promise to help with chores but never follow through. Or, they might say they value your opinion but consistently dismiss your ideas and feelings. If someone's behavior is consistently the same, believe the pattern, not the promises.

5. Mixed Messages: The Intermittent Reinforcement Trap

Gaslighters combine positive reinforcement with criticism to confuse you. They may insult and belittle you one day, then offer affection and praise the next. This mixed messaging leaves you feeling uneasy and questioning your perception, thinking, "Maybe they aren’t so bad." The constant switching between kindness and cruelty is disorienting, leaving you always off-balance and unsure of your standing.

6. Twisting Your Words: Conversations Turned Upside Down

Gaslighters employ various tactics to manipulate conversations and twist words to their advantage. They talk in circles, deflect questions, repeat your questions, flip the conversation onto you, and shift blame. They may also use your words against you to make you feel guilty or ashamed. These strategies disorient and overwhelm the listener.

When confronted, they might change the subject to avoid accountability. They may use sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments to subtly undermine your confidence. They might also use charm or flattery to manipulate your emotions, making you more susceptible. Another tactic is ‘putting words in your mouth.’ For example, if you express that you are overwhelmed and need space, they might respond with, “You don’t care about me at all.” They take what you have said and apply a different meaning to your words than what you intended.

These methods divert attention from their actions and obscure the truth, making it hard for you to identify the manipulation or argue back.

7. Projecting: The Blame Game in Gaslighting

Projecting occurs when the abuser attributes their own negative traits or actions to the victim. They accuse you of behaviors that they themselves are guilty of. This tactic distorts your perception of reality and increases your confusion. For instance, they might accuse you of infidelity when they are the ones cheating. Or they might say you are being paranoid when that is actually their own feeling.

The gaslighter shifts their own shortcomings onto the victim to maintain dominance and control. This method not only warps your reality but also makes you feel accountable for their actions.

8. Calling You Crazy & Questioning Your Sanity

A common tactic used by abusers is making you believe you are crazy. This undermines your ability to trust your own judgment. Gaslighters employ this strategy to convince you that your thoughts and feelings are invalid or exaggerated. They might say things like, "There's something wrong with you," or "You're overreacting." They also use phrases like, "You're imagining things," or "You need help."

The gaslighter aims to undermine your confidence and make you doubt your sanity. By continually telling you that you're crazy, they keep you anxious and insecure, making it easier to control you.

9. Changing Rules and Shifting Goalposts

A gaslighter creates instability by frequently changing rules and expectations without notice. They might initially say they're okay with you spending time with friends of the opposite sex but then become jealous and controlling when you do. This erratic behavior leaves you confused.

By constantly altering the rules, the gaslighter gains power and control. You never know what to expect or how to behave. This keeps you off-balance and makes it easier for the gaslighter to manipulate and dominate you.

10. Everyone Else is a Liar

A gaslighter might insist that everyone else is dishonest and against them. They do this because they know you can seek support and validation from others. When you talk to others, you can confirm your memories and perceptions. By claiming everyone else is lying, the gaslighter makes you doubt this external support.

This tactic blurs your sense of reality and makes you more reliant on the gaslighter. Without external validation, you increasingly question your own thoughts and memories. This gives the gaslighter greater control over you.

11. Manipulating Reality

One of the most severe forms of gaslighting is when someone manipulates your reality. For example, in the movie "Gaslight," Gregory alters the gas lights and tells Paula she's imagining it. This cruel strategy includes hiding objects and pretending ignorance about it. They might say, "You lost your keys again? You really have a memory problem."

Another example is moving things around and denying it. They could say, "Why do you keep misplacing things? You need to be more organized." These actions make you doubt your memory and perception, making you feel like you are losing your sanity.

12. Minimizing Your Emotions

Gaslighters frequently downplay or invalidate your feelings to make your reality seem insignificant. They may accuse you of being "too sensitive," "hysterical," or "overly emotional," causing you to feel unjustified in your anger, even when it is warranted. They constantly diminish the importance of your emotions or the events that trigger them. For example, if they lose a significant amount of money gambling and you get upset, they might say, “Don’t be so dramatic,” “It’s not that bad,” or “You’re acting very childish.”

They may also label your emotions as irrational or illogical, insisting that you shouldn’t feel the way you do and urging you to “get over it.” Remember, your feelings are valid and deserve respect, regardless of whether they align with your partner’s perspective.

13. Triangulation: Third-Party Chaos

Triangulation is a method used by gaslighters to manipulate and control their victims. This involves referencing other people to create doubt and confusion. For instance, a gaslighter might say, "Even your friend thinks you're being irrational," making you question your own judgment.

They also use triangulation to strain your relationships. For example, they might say, "I heard your sister saying you're too sensitive. Maybe she doesn't want to spend time with you anymore." This tactic creates conflict between you and your support network, weakening your connections.

By involving a third party, the gaslighter fosters a sense of solidarity and support for their viewpoint, making it more challenging for you to dispute it. For instance, "Everyone at work agrees with me that you're overreacting."

Gaslighters use triangulation to isolate you, increasing your dependence on them for validation and support.

14. Exploiting Your Vulnerabilities

Gaslighters exploit your vulnerabilities to gain control. If they know you are self-conscious about your weight, they might make negative comments about your appearance. They can manipulate past traumas by saying hurtful things like, "Your father left because he didn't care about you." If you’ve had substance abuse or mental health issues, they will use this to make you doubt yourself. For instance, "You seem stressed, I hope you aren't slipping back into your old habits." These tactics are extremely damaging and aim to undermine your self-worth and confidence.

15. Countering Your Memories

Countering, a common gaslighting tactic, involves the abuser challenging the victim’s memories and perceptions. The gaslighter questions the accuracy of your recollections, making statements like, "Are you sure that’s how it happened? You always mix things up," "You’re remembering it wrong; I never said that," or "That’s not how it went; you must be confused." This approach aims to make you doubt your own memory, leading to confusion and self-doubt, ultimately making you trust the abuser’s version of events instead.

Recognizing and Escaping Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a severe form of mental and emotional abuse. When someone gaslights you, it creates a fog of uncertainty and self-doubt, gradually wearing down your self-confidence. This form of manipulation is extremely harmful to your well-being, leading to confusion, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and low self-esteem. It can leave you feeling isolated and helpless.

If you find yourself constantly questioning your reality, feeling anxious, and apologizing excessively, these are signs of gaslighting, and you might be a victim. If you suspect you are being gaslit, it's important to set clear boundaries, seek support from trusted friends or professionals, and consider ending the relationship if the abuse continues. Taking action to stop gaslighting will protect your mental health and help you regain your sense of self.

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References

Grampian Women's Aid. Gaslighting: 10 Signs. Retrieved from https://www.grampian-womens-aid.com/newsevents/gaslighting-10-signs/

Connected Brain Counseling. 10 Signs of Gaslighting. Retrieved from https://www.connectedbraincounseling.com/post/10-signs-of-gaslighting

Sofia Wellness Clinic. Signs of Gaslighting. Retrieved from https://www.sofia.com.sg/signs-of-gaslighting/

Featured image: Gaslighting is confusing and disorientating. Source: mitarart / Adobe Stock.