Abuse within relationships can take many forms, and those who endure it often experience both physical and emotional harm alongside the abuser’s relentless stream of excuses designed to defend their actions. These rationalizations can include blaming the victim directly or attributing their behavior to outside factors like stress, substance use, or personal trauma.
For survivors, recognizing these manipulative justifications is a key part of understanding the cycle of abuse. Here, survivors recount the huge range of excuses their abusers have used to justify their harmful behaviors.
Victim Blaming
A frequent tactic among abusers is to place full blame on their partner. By persuading them that they somehow caused the abuse, the abuser deflects responsibility and forces their partner to feel accountable for the situation. Many survivors report that they heard these kinds of statements repeatedly.
“He told me, ‘You made me do it,’” one survivor shared. “The blame game was constant. According to him, if I hadn’t said or done something, none of it would have happened.”
Another survivor recalled a similar experience: “He threw me against a car because I questioned if he loved me. His excuse was, ‘If you hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have hurt you. It’s not my fault I don’t know my own strength.’”
Many survivors remember hearing variations of the phrase: “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y.” This manipulation is meant to make the victim doubt their own actions and question who is truly at fault.
Excuses Tied to Past Trauma
Abusers may use their own difficult experiences as a means to explain their actions, portraying themselves as victims who are unable to control their behavior. While everyone’s past shapes who they become, it is never acceptable to use past trauma as an excuse for abuse, no matter how much sympathy an abuser tries to evoke.
“My abuser said his sister molested him when they were kids, and that was why he acted the way he did,” one survivor shared. “He painted himself as much a victim as I was.”
Others blame their upbringing, with one survivor’s abusive partner stating, “My dad beat me when I was a kid, so it’s not my fault.”
Some abusers fabricate stories to rationalize their behavior. “Mine claimed he had PTSD from being in the army,” a survivor said. “He even joined veterans’ groups. Later, I found out it was all a lie.”
Blaming External Factors
Abusers sometimes use outside circumstances, such as substance use, mental health issues, or even supernatural forces, as excuses for their actions. This tactic is designed to deflect accountability, making it appear as though the abuse was beyond their control.
One survivor shared, “He claimed the devil had taken control of him, so he wasn’t responsible for his actions.”
Others have heard similar excuses tied to intoxication: “I was drunk, I didn’t mean it,” or “I was on drugs, so you can’t blame me.” Survivors find these excuses especially frustrating because they suggest the abuser feels exempt from responsibility while intoxicated. As one person noted, “Being drunk just let them show me how they really feel.”
Some abusers use mental health struggles as a reason for their behavior. “He told me he was having a mental breakdown,” one survivor explained. Another recalled her abuser saying, “I wasn’t in the right state of mind.”
Gaslighting and Downplaying
Gaslighting, which involves making the victim doubt their own sense of reality, is another manipulative tool often used by abusers. By minimizing their actions, they attempt to convince the victim that the abuse wasn’t as severe as it appeared.
“He told me, ‘I wasn’t trying to kill you; I just wanted you to calm down,’” a survivor who was physically assaulted shared. Another person remembered, “He’d tell me I was making things up. He didn’t remember doing any of the things I said.”
Abusers also downplay their actions by comparing them to worse alternatives. “He said, ‘It’s not as bad as it could have been,’” a survivor shared. “As if that made it acceptable.”
Some even try to guilt their partners into staying quiet about their behavior. One survivor recounted, “When he cheated on me, he said he did it because he thought I was cheating too. Then he blamed me for finding out, saying that if I hadn’t been suspicious, we wouldn’t have had to break up.”
Claiming Abuse is a Sign of Love
For many survivors, one of the most damaging and confusing excuses is when their abusive partner claims their harmful actions were motivated by love. This tactic preys on the victim’s emotional connection to the abuser, making it harder for them to recognize the abuse.
“He would tell me, ‘I do this because I love you,’” one survivor said. “As if love could explain all the hurt he caused.”
Another individual shared a similar experience: “He said, ‘I couldn’t get enough of you, that’s why I acted the way I did.’ But he was really just trying to control me.”
Denial and Shifting Blame
Many abusers simply deny their actions or redirect blame onto others, further invalidating the victim’s experience and making it harder for them to seek support or justice.
One survivor shared, “He would say, ‘I don’t remember that,’ whenever I brought something up. It was like he was trying to erase everything.”
Another tactic is moral equivalence, as one person described: “He’d say, ‘You’re no angel either,’ whenever I pointed out his abusive behavior. He was implying that I had no right to call him out, even though I wasn’t the one being abusive.”
The “You’re Too Sensitive” Line
Abusers often claim that their victims are overreacting or are overly sensitive in order to minimize the abuse. By doing so, they undermine the victim’s emotions and make it harder for them to express their experiences.
“He’d say, ‘You’re too sensitive, I was just kidding,’” a survivor shared. “But those ‘jokes’ were always meant to hurt.”
Another abuser would say, “I’m just joking,” every time he insulted his partner, although it was never truly a joke. It was deliberate manipulation.
Disturbing Excuses Abusers Use
Some excuses are so extreme they seem unreal, yet survivors hear them over and over. One person recounted, “He said it wasn’t rape because we were married, as though marriage meant he had the right to do anything he wanted.”
Another survivor remembered her abuser’s disturbing logic: “He said, ‘I didn’t actually kill them, did I?’ after threatening our children. To him, that meant it was okay to make those threats.”
The excuses that abusers use when they try to explain away their behavior are as varied as they are infuriating. Whether they deflect blame onto the victim, claim external causes, or deny responsibility entirely, the purpose is always the same: to avoid accountability and keep the victim locked in a cycle of abuse. For those who have lived through it, recognizing these tactics is an essential step in breaking free and reclaiming their lives.
Featured images: Survivors share the common excuses abusers use to try to justify their reprehensible actions. Source: / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.