“If I Just Tried Harder”: Survivors Share How Self-Blame Kept Them Trapped

Self-blame is one of the most persistent scars left by emotional abuse. It doesn’t begin with obvious mistreatment. It begins with subtle doubts: Was I too needy? Too sensitive? Over time, you start to believe that if something feels wrong, it must be your fault. You question your reactions, suppress your needs, and convince yourself that love means being more tolerant, more flexible, more forgiving. You don’t just excuse their behavior, you rewrite yourself around it. That if you were just calmer, kinder, less emotional, more forgiving, more accommodating, then maybe things would go back to the way they were.

The cycle is insidious and slow, and by the time you recognise it, you're often deep into years of self-erasure and confusion.

One survivor shared how she used to think it was her fault.

“I thought I needed to be the bigger person and detach from my ego. When he told me I was grandiose, I believed him. I thought I needed to communicate better - if I just said things right, he’d understand, and we’d get back to how we used to be.”

This kind of self-blame in relationships is not just common, it’s foundational to how emotional abuse functions.

The Burden of Fixing What You Didn't Break

Many survivors describe years of exhausting mental acrobatics, trying to become the version of themselves they believed would finally make their partner happy. One woman described it as “doing cartwheels backwards to please him.” She tried being skinny enough, quiet enough, “house-wifey” enough, while working full-time. Still, it was never enough. Every failure was pinned on her.

Another survivor reflected on how she constantly told herself, “If I only stopped pressing his buttons, he wouldn’t have to have a go at me.” This daily hypervigilance, born from self-blame, creates a life where perfection feels like the only safe option.

Others recalled trying endlessly to “say things right,” hoping that better communication could break through the emotional distance.

“I thought if I could stay calm, avoid certain topics, be less ‘difficult’, then he’d finally understand me. But the goalposts always moved.”

The Myth of the “Difficult Woman”

A recurring theme in stories of abuse is being told, either outright or through implication, that you’re just too much. Too emotional. Too dramatic. Too needy. One woman recalled being told she was “too intense” and “too sensitive,” and internalising those labels until she believed she needed to shrink herself in order to be lovable.

Another said, “Everything is fine as long as I don’t bring anything up or express myself.” So she learned to stay silent. Over time, self-blame taught her that her emotional needs were the root of the problem, not the person consistently invalidating them.

Gaslighting: When You Start to Doubt Reality

Gaslighting is one of the most destructive tools of emotional abuse. It causes the survivor to question their own memory, feelings, and perception of events. One survivor admitted,

“I remember thinking, maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’m remembering it wrong. Maybe I’m exaggerating.”

These thoughts are the hallmark of gaslighting and a key driver of self-blame.

Another woman shared that her partner convinced her she was the one being abusive.

“He told me I was controlling. That I was overreacting. And I believed him. I actually apologised for things he did to me.”

This manipulation blurs reality until self-blame feels like the only logical conclusion.

For many, the desire to “fix” things becomes relentless. One survivor said she stayed in the relationship because she thought she had to work harder, be more patient, and put in the effort to make it right.

“I thought I was the problem. So I stayed and tried harder.”

The Shame of Staying

Even after the relationship ends, self-blame lingers. Many survivors grapple with the shame of not seeing the abuse sooner or of staying too long. One woman described how, after the separation, she still made excuses for him.

“I called it a ‘toxic relationship’ rather than naming it for what it was. I still blamed myself.”

Another survivor said she spent thirty years believing that if she just acted differently, things would change.

“This year, I finally realised it was never going to change—and I had to move on for my own well-being.”

This heartbreaking realisation is common. Survivors often blame themselves not only for the abuse, but for not escaping it fast enough.

One woman reflected on how deeply she had internalised the blame.

“I thought if I just kept the peace, everything would be okay. So I handed over my choices, my voice, even my sense of reality—just to avoid another outburst. Looking back, I don’t know where I went.”

Her story speaks to the deep shame that so often accompanies self-blame after abuse.

How Abusers Weaponise Empathy

Abusers are often skilled at using their partner’s empathy and introspection against them. Survivors are usually people with deep emotional intelligence, willing to reflect, to compromise, to try harder. Abusers manipulate this. One survivor explained,

“They convince you that their bad behavior is a reaction to your flaws. If you want them to change, you have to be better. It’s always your fault.”

Another shared how she didn’t realise she was being manipulated until much later.

“He used to make fun of me in front of his friends, and I thought maybe I just couldn’t take a joke. I blamed myself.”

This self-blame in abusive relationships is intensified by the trust victims often place in their partners. One woman said, “We put all our trust in them, assuming they know best. We make ourselves smaller, constantly wondering what’s wrong with us.”

Reclaiming the Narrative

Healing from self-blame takes time. It often involves therapy, community support, and a slow process of reclaiming the truth. As one survivor put it,

“It’s hard to admit that someone you loved, someone you trusted, was manipulating you. It’s easier to think you caused it. That you could have prevented it. But that’s just not how it works.”

Another woman shared that she didn’t even realise she was afraid of her partner until years into the relationship.

“It started subtly. He didn’t get physical until much later. But long before that, the psychological abuse convinced me I was the problem.”

And for some, that internal voice of the abuser takes many years to go away.

“At least now,” one survivor reflected, “his voice is just a weaker one in my head. I know who I am again.”

The journey away from self-blame is not linear. There will be moments of doubt, grief, and even longing. But each time a survivor tells their story, sees it clearly, or refuses to accept the blame for someone else’s abuse, they take one more step toward healing.

If you have blamed yourself for abuse, know this: You were never the problem. You were the one who cared too much, tried too hard, and held on too long, because you believed in something better. That isn’t weakness. That’s strength.

And the day you stop blaming yourself is the day you begin reclaiming your power.

Featured image: Self-blame in abusive relationships. Source: Shisu_ka / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.