Can relate to much of this yet what stands out to me, and once I began to exercise more boundaries and not acquiesce to mood control, is the uptick in criticisms.
I remember a dinner I prepared. Cooking the entire dinner with no help or dialogue while he sat and scrolled and watched TV at the same time. Every item on the plate was beautiful and delicious (because I’m a good cook and love to cook for people) and yet according to him could have been improved upon in some way. No compliments, no thanks. Just jabs about something that could have been better. Different than my creation. Then I cleaned the kitchen (turned on some music and sang along) while he went back to scrolling. Walked past him with a big bag of trash that I took outside in the pouring rain. No offer of help.
The interesting thing is that I was so proud of myself. I saw exactly what was going on and did not succumb to any of the treatment like before. I didn’t engage or offer any dialogue that would have led to a fight. Which is what he wanted. All that was left from him was silly criticism of a beautiful meal.
Thank you for sharing this Tricia. It's absolutely awful what you were subjected to, but I love that you noticed what was happening in real time and chose not to step into the fight he was trying to start. That quiet dignity, singing in the kitchen and taking out the rubbish in the rain says so much about your inner strength and resilience. I'm so glad you have a sense of pride about that, you deserve it 💛
You’ve reminded me of my ex doing the same thing. It got to the point where I knew when he would say ‘hmm, it needs something’ when referring to the meal I had just cooked. His other favourite thing to do was to say ‘nah, I don’t fancy that, let’s get a take away’ after I’d been shopping and put everything away and was about to cook a meal I’d bought food for.
Yes!! Living that now and I suppose its good practice in self-confidence for me to be able to say “I am a good coom and your picky and limited palate does not appreciate that” (I know most of my cooking is decent, who cares what they say!)
It’s so good that you know you’re a good cook, despite his endless criticisms. It takes a lot of strength to hold onto that knowledge when they grind you down so much.
I think we are married to the same man. We are currently marking time and in the discard/rage/look at my crisis/make an effort cycle but its interesting that the efforts he “makes for us” for which I am supposed to fawn and praise him benefit him with some tangential benefit to me (eg,
after years of asking for assistance with housework, he has hired a 1x/month housekeeper for his house or he will wash literally wash 1 dish and when I comment he states I am so “all or nothing“). It’s shocking how much has been heaped upon me and how unaware I was. Now I’m just taking the time to document everything.
Thank you for this. It is an incredibly useful aid memoir for victims who have maybe broken out of the relationship and yet not out of the abuse cycle to review and see how their life used to be. It also confirms abuse when the doubt can persist. For me, three years in and now semi-fluent in what I can only describe as “the language of abuse”, it is a brilliant structure to follow when writing statements for the police and family court, to think of examples in each area that make it crystal clear of each experience. I think reflecting back helps to further break the trauma-bond too. I’ve already shared! 🙏🏼
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. What you said about learning the language of abuse really resonates because I was also still putting the pieces together years after leaving. Once we have words for what happened, and we've learned a lot about abuse dynamics, the experiences stop feeling like random isolated moments. We start to see the entire picture as a whole and that is very grounding and validating. I'm glad it was helpful in some way 💛
Thank you so much for this. This was my experience. I also see the part where people are being recruited to support his behavior, and the people are ON THIS APP.
I'm really glad the article was validating for you in that it spoke to your experience. That part about recruiting others is so hard, especially when you see it happening in spaces that are meant to be safe. Abusers can be so incredibly convincing to the outside world and it feels so isolating and devastating to watch people support their behaviour. We have to keep holding tightly to our own truth no matter what others believe, but I know how hard and painful it is 😞
Don’t know if. My abuser is on this platform, and had began recruiting unsuspecting women before i kicked him out. And not to mention the person he works under…they’re protecting him.
These are so relatable. I separated from my abuser 11 years ago and saw all these behaviors. Stayed longer than I should have because I didn’t want to lose my son to his father twisting reality in court. I’m so impressed these days that this research is available and exists. A lot of this information was very limited back then, aside from through therapy (which I used a lot!). Knowledge is power! I’m glad the women of today have access to information that was just bro g discovered back then.
I’m loving life now. Sometimes I’ll be in a happy moment and I think “this moment was brought to you by divorce.” My son is also an amazing adult too!
Thank you so much for this. I am nearing 3 months out of an abusive dynamic. It pains me to say this out loud...abusive...despite 10+ years of evidence demonstrating otherwise. That said, I am currently deeply confused by my partner's actions at the moment, as he is now doing ALL of the things I literally begged for, for years. Many of them mentioned in this article; the gifts, the compliments, the interest in me as a person & not just a human he only objectifies. The promises of a changed future and priorities. Claiming that I will be the one to break his heart now, although he dismantled mine slowly over years.
I am struggling mightily to see this as part of the facade, as part of the calculation of his attempt to regain access and control. In many ways, he has gained some of that control back. We share children and my boundaries have been blurry, at best. How do I know if the purported change I am seeing is real or feigned or somewhere in between? I would be lying if I didn't say that I was considering slowing the divorce process down at the moment because the hope that had evaporated for me, is slowly reemerging.
Hi Rebecca, I can hear how torn you feel and it makes so much sense. Three months is such a delicate stage and those early changes can look exactly like the miracle you waited years for. I had the same experience after I left - weeks of kindness, gifts, compliments, and declarations of change. But the moment I said no and made it clear the separation was permanent, he immediately switched back to his abusive behaviour - threats, insults, and intimidation. Sometimes the quickest way to see sincerity is to hold a boundary and notice how they respond when they do not get access.
Real change usually shows up slowly, with steady respectful behaviour even when there is no risk of losing you, not in a sudden perfect performance. Sharing children also makes everything so much harder because hope and our love for our children are powerful ties.
Watch the pattern more than the words, protect your boundaries gently, and give yourself time to see whether this is consistency or a campaign to regain access.
Yes, RESPECTFUL behaviour would be/have been nice.
After over 30 years I began to call him out on disrespectful comments, and every time he denied/excused himself. After a couple of months I realised that he didn't want to change, nor did he actually believe me when I said it was horrible.
The day after I said I was leaving, he started doing a thing he had said a week earlier he would not do. He put in some effort for a few months, very performatively, but when I didn't come back, but had LESS contact, he froze me out.
Its been helpful for me to take note of who the real “benefitter” is in his efforts. What I have noticed is much of the effort that he makes is still to his benefit, mine only tangently. Are any of the efforts solely for your benefit with no expectation of praiae or repayment? The efforts are likely a facade. Observe how things are while under pressure. Anyone can be nice on a good day. Has behavior to the kids changes too? Mine still has dominant parenting style. With all that evidence, I can say mine has not changed. Good luck!
Wow, this really resonated with me!I’ve witnessed every single one of these tactics used in cult I was once part of.
What stood out to me most is how these behaviors aren’t random — they tend to appear precisely when someone begins questioning, setting boundaries, or pulling away. In those moments the goal often shifts from persuasion to regaining control. Seeing the pattern laid out like this is incredibly validating. Wonderful read! 🖤
Hi Cory, I'm really glad this article felt validating for you. Although I wrote it in the context of relationships, the same tactics absolutely appear in cult environments too. I’ve seen many of them play out both in my marriage and during the decade I spent in a cult as well.
And you’re exactly right that these tactics surface at very specific moments. Once you see that pattern clearly, it becomes much harder to unsee it!
Thank you for writing this. I relate to this but with my father, not with a partner. Although that too, to some extent. A less extent. My father was my first emotional abuser.
Gifts, staging crises, enlisting family members, trying to keep me stuck with financial enmeshment, you name it, he tried it. Attacking my self esteem, isolating me from friends and partners. Siding with other abusers. Showing up at my damn house. It is truly messed up.
This happened well into my late twenties until I got sick of living in a soap opera and moved overseas - to the other side of the world. I don't regret it for a single second.
Completely messed up.
It didn't work in the end. But it did for a long time. I had absolutely zero self esteem.
This is just awful, it indeed messed up. I watch my son going through the same with my ex-husband, and I know the scars run deep. It is hard enough when it is a partner, but when it is your own parent, the one who is meant to protect and nurture you, it is even worse. I'm glad you got away.
Thank you for your response <3 I am sorry your son is going through this, I wish him so much healing. It is possible, he will be okay. And you do learn a lot from such an experience even if it takes time. Yeah I guess when it is your parent it runs very very deep. But also people who experience abuse in adulthood have their own very valid childhood wounds most of the time too.
Thank you for your writing, it is so important and powerful.
Thank you for these insights. I have a very close family member who is fully described by these ten indicators. Of late they are scaling up their behavioral tactics.
Any opportunity to interact with them, they further unleash their claws..they way a threatened animal would behave around danger.
When it’s happening real time it’s mind boggling almost surreal.
But it’s so real it’s chilling.
Am so grateful am able to recognize this behavior from a safer distance which is most helpful.
@Rebecca.M, I can relate. It can be really messy. I stuck it out for 32 years, 25 of those married. My kids are adults now, so it is easier to call it a day.
Gah. My ex flipflops between actually blanking/ignoring me to leaving lovely voice notes and sending me chocolates. I guess he was feeling lonely as for the first time since 1994 he got no Valentine. Boo hoo.
This is all true. I've lived this and survived it. Now I know the signs all too well to ever land back there. Thank you for describing the interplay of all these tactics and mechanisms.
Emotional abuse is one of the loneliest and scariest places you can live in.
I crafted this piece of advice for young women. Perhaps your page can share it further than my reach can. Many don’t leave an abuser because they keep these things under lock and key. Maybe it will save harm or even a life one day…
If you’re a woman cohabiting with a male partner, consider keeping your most important documents—like your birth certificate and Social Security card—in a safe deposit box that is only in your name. It’s a small step that can make a big difference if you ever need to leave quickly or protect your independence.
Add narcissistic traits to this and the confusion is off the chart.
Self-education around narcissism reaps huge benefits, literally to the degree where you can begin to predict their behaviour and understand when there is an agenda going on.
Yes, for sure. It is amazing how predictable they are. Before I left my narcissistic husband, I read a book about leaving a narcissist, and it stated 6 steps the narcissist would take when you do. He literally moved through all 6, one by one.
Can relate to much of this yet what stands out to me, and once I began to exercise more boundaries and not acquiesce to mood control, is the uptick in criticisms.
I remember a dinner I prepared. Cooking the entire dinner with no help or dialogue while he sat and scrolled and watched TV at the same time. Every item on the plate was beautiful and delicious (because I’m a good cook and love to cook for people) and yet according to him could have been improved upon in some way. No compliments, no thanks. Just jabs about something that could have been better. Different than my creation. Then I cleaned the kitchen (turned on some music and sang along) while he went back to scrolling. Walked past him with a big bag of trash that I took outside in the pouring rain. No offer of help.
The interesting thing is that I was so proud of myself. I saw exactly what was going on and did not succumb to any of the treatment like before. I didn’t engage or offer any dialogue that would have led to a fight. Which is what he wanted. All that was left from him was silly criticism of a beautiful meal.
Thank you for sharing this Tricia. It's absolutely awful what you were subjected to, but I love that you noticed what was happening in real time and chose not to step into the fight he was trying to start. That quiet dignity, singing in the kitchen and taking out the rubbish in the rain says so much about your inner strength and resilience. I'm so glad you have a sense of pride about that, you deserve it 💛
You’ve reminded me of my ex doing the same thing. It got to the point where I knew when he would say ‘hmm, it needs something’ when referring to the meal I had just cooked. His other favourite thing to do was to say ‘nah, I don’t fancy that, let’s get a take away’ after I’d been shopping and put everything away and was about to cook a meal I’d bought food for.
Yes!! Living that now and I suppose its good practice in self-confidence for me to be able to say “I am a good coom and your picky and limited palate does not appreciate that” (I know most of my cooking is decent, who cares what they say!)
It’s so good that you know you’re a good cook, despite his endless criticisms. It takes a lot of strength to hold onto that knowledge when they grind you down so much.
I think we are married to the same man. We are currently marking time and in the discard/rage/look at my crisis/make an effort cycle but its interesting that the efforts he “makes for us” for which I am supposed to fawn and praise him benefit him with some tangential benefit to me (eg,
after years of asking for assistance with housework, he has hired a 1x/month housekeeper for his house or he will wash literally wash 1 dish and when I comment he states I am so “all or nothing“). It’s shocking how much has been heaped upon me and how unaware I was. Now I’m just taking the time to document everything.
Thank you for this. It is an incredibly useful aid memoir for victims who have maybe broken out of the relationship and yet not out of the abuse cycle to review and see how their life used to be. It also confirms abuse when the doubt can persist. For me, three years in and now semi-fluent in what I can only describe as “the language of abuse”, it is a brilliant structure to follow when writing statements for the police and family court, to think of examples in each area that make it crystal clear of each experience. I think reflecting back helps to further break the trauma-bond too. I’ve already shared! 🙏🏼
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. What you said about learning the language of abuse really resonates because I was also still putting the pieces together years after leaving. Once we have words for what happened, and we've learned a lot about abuse dynamics, the experiences stop feeling like random isolated moments. We start to see the entire picture as a whole and that is very grounding and validating. I'm glad it was helpful in some way 💛
Thank you so much for this. This was my experience. I also see the part where people are being recruited to support his behavior, and the people are ON THIS APP.
I'm really glad the article was validating for you in that it spoke to your experience. That part about recruiting others is so hard, especially when you see it happening in spaces that are meant to be safe. Abusers can be so incredibly convincing to the outside world and it feels so isolating and devastating to watch people support their behaviour. We have to keep holding tightly to our own truth no matter what others believe, but I know how hard and painful it is 😞
Don’t know if. My abuser is on this platform, and had began recruiting unsuspecting women before i kicked him out. And not to mention the person he works under…they’re protecting him.
Amazing how descriptive this is of Trump’s coercive control mindset … the world’s first Abuser in Chief.
Indeed!
Hi! I just saw that we are in the same MSc! Would love to chat more - DM me.
These are so relatable. I separated from my abuser 11 years ago and saw all these behaviors. Stayed longer than I should have because I didn’t want to lose my son to his father twisting reality in court. I’m so impressed these days that this research is available and exists. A lot of this information was very limited back then, aside from through therapy (which I used a lot!). Knowledge is power! I’m glad the women of today have access to information that was just bro g discovered back then.
I’m loving life now. Sometimes I’ll be in a happy moment and I think “this moment was brought to you by divorce.” My son is also an amazing adult too!
It's inspiring and encouraging to hear your happy ending and everything you've been through. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for this. I am nearing 3 months out of an abusive dynamic. It pains me to say this out loud...abusive...despite 10+ years of evidence demonstrating otherwise. That said, I am currently deeply confused by my partner's actions at the moment, as he is now doing ALL of the things I literally begged for, for years. Many of them mentioned in this article; the gifts, the compliments, the interest in me as a person & not just a human he only objectifies. The promises of a changed future and priorities. Claiming that I will be the one to break his heart now, although he dismantled mine slowly over years.
I am struggling mightily to see this as part of the facade, as part of the calculation of his attempt to regain access and control. In many ways, he has gained some of that control back. We share children and my boundaries have been blurry, at best. How do I know if the purported change I am seeing is real or feigned or somewhere in between? I would be lying if I didn't say that I was considering slowing the divorce process down at the moment because the hope that had evaporated for me, is slowly reemerging.
Hi Rebecca, I can hear how torn you feel and it makes so much sense. Three months is such a delicate stage and those early changes can look exactly like the miracle you waited years for. I had the same experience after I left - weeks of kindness, gifts, compliments, and declarations of change. But the moment I said no and made it clear the separation was permanent, he immediately switched back to his abusive behaviour - threats, insults, and intimidation. Sometimes the quickest way to see sincerity is to hold a boundary and notice how they respond when they do not get access.
Real change usually shows up slowly, with steady respectful behaviour even when there is no risk of losing you, not in a sudden perfect performance. Sharing children also makes everything so much harder because hope and our love for our children are powerful ties.
Watch the pattern more than the words, protect your boundaries gently, and give yourself time to see whether this is consistency or a campaign to regain access.
Yes, RESPECTFUL behaviour would be/have been nice.
After over 30 years I began to call him out on disrespectful comments, and every time he denied/excused himself. After a couple of months I realised that he didn't want to change, nor did he actually believe me when I said it was horrible.
The day after I said I was leaving, he started doing a thing he had said a week earlier he would not do. He put in some effort for a few months, very performatively, but when I didn't come back, but had LESS contact, he froze me out.
Its been helpful for me to take note of who the real “benefitter” is in his efforts. What I have noticed is much of the effort that he makes is still to his benefit, mine only tangently. Are any of the efforts solely for your benefit with no expectation of praiae or repayment? The efforts are likely a facade. Observe how things are while under pressure. Anyone can be nice on a good day. Has behavior to the kids changes too? Mine still has dominant parenting style. With all that evidence, I can say mine has not changed. Good luck!
Good advice, "qui bono"?! My ex is nice when he needs to feel good, and horrible when he feels like a victim. There is no maturity or consistency.
Wow, this really resonated with me!I’ve witnessed every single one of these tactics used in cult I was once part of.
What stood out to me most is how these behaviors aren’t random — they tend to appear precisely when someone begins questioning, setting boundaries, or pulling away. In those moments the goal often shifts from persuasion to regaining control. Seeing the pattern laid out like this is incredibly validating. Wonderful read! 🖤
Hi Cory, I'm really glad this article felt validating for you. Although I wrote it in the context of relationships, the same tactics absolutely appear in cult environments too. I’ve seen many of them play out both in my marriage and during the decade I spent in a cult as well.
And you’re exactly right that these tactics surface at very specific moments. Once you see that pattern clearly, it becomes much harder to unsee it!
Thank you for writing this. I relate to this but with my father, not with a partner. Although that too, to some extent. A less extent. My father was my first emotional abuser.
Gifts, staging crises, enlisting family members, trying to keep me stuck with financial enmeshment, you name it, he tried it. Attacking my self esteem, isolating me from friends and partners. Siding with other abusers. Showing up at my damn house. It is truly messed up.
This happened well into my late twenties until I got sick of living in a soap opera and moved overseas - to the other side of the world. I don't regret it for a single second.
Completely messed up.
It didn't work in the end. But it did for a long time. I had absolutely zero self esteem.
I got away.
But holy fuck these people are crazy.
This is just awful, it indeed messed up. I watch my son going through the same with my ex-husband, and I know the scars run deep. It is hard enough when it is a partner, but when it is your own parent, the one who is meant to protect and nurture you, it is even worse. I'm glad you got away.
Thank you for your response <3 I am sorry your son is going through this, I wish him so much healing. It is possible, he will be okay. And you do learn a lot from such an experience even if it takes time. Yeah I guess when it is your parent it runs very very deep. But also people who experience abuse in adulthood have their own very valid childhood wounds most of the time too.
Thank you for your writing, it is so important and powerful.
Thank you for these insights. I have a very close family member who is fully described by these ten indicators. Of late they are scaling up their behavioral tactics.
Any opportunity to interact with them, they further unleash their claws..they way a threatened animal would behave around danger.
When it’s happening real time it’s mind boggling almost surreal.
But it’s so real it’s chilling.
Am so grateful am able to recognize this behavior from a safer distance which is most helpful.
Thank you again.
@Rebecca.M, I can relate. It can be really messy. I stuck it out for 32 years, 25 of those married. My kids are adults now, so it is easier to call it a day.
I waited for the kids' sakes.
Gah. My ex flipflops between actually blanking/ignoring me to leaving lovely voice notes and sending me chocolates. I guess he was feeling lonely as for the first time since 1994 he got no Valentine. Boo hoo.
They will try every trick in the book!
For ten years I have felt as if the country is a battered wife. These insights might help us finally leave our abusive ‘husband’ for good.
This is all true. I've lived this and survived it. Now I know the signs all too well to ever land back there. Thank you for describing the interplay of all these tactics and mechanisms.
Emotional abuse is one of the loneliest and scariest places you can live in.
I crafted this piece of advice for young women. Perhaps your page can share it further than my reach can. Many don’t leave an abuser because they keep these things under lock and key. Maybe it will save harm or even a life one day…
If you’re a woman cohabiting with a male partner, consider keeping your most important documents—like your birth certificate and Social Security card—in a safe deposit box that is only in your name. It’s a small step that can make a big difference if you ever need to leave quickly or protect your independence.
Good advice, thank you.
Youre very welcome
Add narcissistic traits to this and the confusion is off the chart.
Self-education around narcissism reaps huge benefits, literally to the degree where you can begin to predict their behaviour and understand when there is an agenda going on.
Yes, for sure. It is amazing how predictable they are. Before I left my narcissistic husband, I read a book about leaving a narcissist, and it stated 6 steps the narcissist would take when you do. He literally moved through all 6, one by one.