Hidden Sabotage: When Abusers Obstruct Career and Educational Ambitions
Abusive relationships often extend beyond emotional or physical harm by impacting victims' professional and educational lives as well. Abusers frequently undermine their partner’s career or academic aspirations, fostering financial dependence, social isolation, and emotional distress. These tactics are often subtle, involving manipulation, criticism, and calculated disruptions.
Abusers interfere with their partner’s professional and academic growth for various reasons, including jealousy, insecurity, fear of losing control, and a desire to enforce dependency. Using firsthand survivor accounts, this article highlights how such tactics strip victims of their potential, affecting their confidence, finances, and independence in lasting ways.
Disrupting Professional Events and Milestones
Abusers often create distractions or crises to hinder their partner's career progress during key moments. These actions create chaos, with the goal of exhausting victims and preventing them from excelling in their roles.
One survivor revealed, “He would make sure ‘something’ happened the day before major work events.” Another shared, “When I was allowed to do an approved project, he tried to come along, and when he couldn't, he would manufacture a child care emergency before I started the presentation or event. Every time without fail.”
In one instance, an abuser repeatedly disrupted their partner’s workplace by barging into her office uninvited: “He would drive to my office, barge in past my closed door to see who I was meeting with.” Such intrusions diminish their ability to perform at work and place them at risk of being fired.
A particularly chilling example involved a female abuser threatening to terminate a pregnancy if her partner attended a professional event: “I was invited to give a speech at an international conference where I had to be away for two nights. She said if I accepted, then I clearly didn’t love her, and she would abort our baby.”
Blocking Educational and Professional Progress
Some abusers initially appear supportive of their partner’s ambitions, only to sabotage them once they become successful. For instance, a survivor shared, “He encouraged me to study but as soon as I started doing better than him or doing well with marks, he would bully, manipulate, coerce, shame, or say bad things about the degree to get me to stop. It was relentless. He used my social anxiety against me.”
Another survivor recounted how her partner manipulated her into abandoning medical school: “Mine made the survival of our relationship contingent on me becoming a physician. I spent my money on a post-bacc pre-med program and did great, went through all the steps to apply and then he sabotaged that. He then said I needed to stop pursuing med school.”
These calculated actions reinforce control by forcing victims to abandon hope along with their ambitions, often after heavy financial costs or an extended amount of time having been invested in achieving a goal.
Sabotaging Professional Relationships and Reputation
In more extreme cases, abusers attack their partner’s professional network or reputation to prevent career growth. One survivor described her daughter’s distressing experience: “My daughter’s ex wrote an anonymous letter to her new employer (before her career as a teacher started). You can imagine what that letter contained. Thankfully, she had warned them something like this might happen & it was forwarded to the police who did nothing!”
Another victim shared how constant surveillance at work created a hostile environment: “My ex would frequently turn up at the store where I worked and wander around pretending to be a customer but all the time watching me. I would get a hard time if I spent too long helping a male customer or was ‘over-friendly’ to a male coworker.” The constant surveillance and accusations of infidelity made her working environment unpleasant, and it was almost impossible for her to perform her work comfortably.
Enforcing Financial Dependence
Abusers often restrict their partner’s financial independence, ensuring control through monetary manipulation. One survivor explained, “We agreed I would stay home and raise the kids. Now he tells everyone, including the kids, that I refused to work and was lazy and did nothing. I didn’t sit down from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed!”
Another survivor described how her partner limited her ability to work and controlled her finances: “He stopped me working, took the money when I did anything that he gave permission for and controlled. He still tries to tie me up in court proceedings so it affects my mental health and takes up my time so I can't work as self-employed.”
Preventing Stability Through Relocation
Frequent relocations are another tactic abusers use to destabilize their partner’s career. One survivor reflected, “During the 10 years we moved cities & countries to support his career as a Dr, but never once was my career supported.”
Another shared, “He said I needed to stay home with the kids. We moved constantly and I was unable to maintain work networks. After I left, I was penniless, with 2 kids and I had to start from scratch in my mid-40s during a pandemic and a cost-of-living crisis.” Constant upheaval leaves victims unable to establish professional networks or maintain stable employment.
Mocking and Belittling Aspirations
Belittling and mocking career choices is another way abusers suppress independence. One survivor recalled, “When I quit my part-time job to become a full-time artist and do outdoor art show events, my ex called a ‘family meeting’ where his entire family ridiculed and harassed me for ruining their son’s life, only thinking of myself, and doing something so foolish as throwing away a decent career in a dead-end part-time job to follow some ‘hairbrained scheme’ (to which I excelled at by the way).”
A lawyer shared how her success was punished at home: “I was a lawyer at the same firm as him. He punished me at home for success at work. I moved firms, got pregnant, and he refused to allow a maternity leave. He would not help or allow support. I lost my job. I never went back and was fully dependent. The abuse got worse.”
The Underlying Motivations Behind Sabotage
Abusers derail their partner’s success for a number of reasons:
Dependence: Abusers want their partners to rely on them for financial and emotional support, making it difficult for them to leave.
Control: Professional and educational accomplishments threaten the abuser's dominance.
Isolation: Restricting work opportunities cuts off access to supportive social networks.
Jealousy and Insecurity: An abuser’s fear of being outshined can drive their destructive actions.
Confidence Suppression: Empowered partners are more likely to leave the relationship.
Entitlement: Abusers often feel their partner’s time and focus should be solely dedicated to them.
The deliberate obstruction of career and educational opportunities represents a harmful form of economic abuse. Recognizing these patterns and offering support is critical for helping survivors reclaim independence and rebuild their lives.
Featured Image: Abusive partners often try to control or sabotage their victims’ careers and educational goals. Source: Prostock-studio/ Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.