Oh my goodness, this is yet another eye opening and validating piece.
I’ve long thought about all the future promises, the ones he presented over the length of our 23 years as well as the more recent ones as the control tightened. Things he would promise we would do and in my head, my thoughts questioning why he would get so fixated when I had never said that was something I wanted.
His assumptions became reality in all sorts of ways, even if not factual. And if I said anything to the negative of like, oh hey, I don’t need/want that, it became a blasphemous statement in his head - his reaction tending to be that I had offended him for not wanting what he wanted.
I'm so glad you found it validating. It's amazing how we can piece so much together when we start hearing about other people's experiences and we see that our partner's difficult characteristics and behaviours are actually common patterns of abuse!
What you described also fits really closely with an abuser's 'enmeshed' mindset where they do not see their partner as as a separate, autonomous person. Instead, they see them as an extension of themselves, which comes with an expectation of emotional sameness: their partner should think what they think, feel what they feel, and want what they want.
Like Jess said - yet again you have illuminated an area of abuse that I lived through without naming it. We were together 17 years. I wanted a child and we had discussed that early in the relationship. His future faking cost me the chance to be a mother, something I wanted so much. There was always a reason to delay. And he would frequently turn it around and try to make out it was my fault or my decision and I had acted in a way that meant I didn’t want that any more. So I repeated my desire while he used my unfolding desperation to control me. When we bought a house I was hopeful it would finally happen. Instead the abuse got worse. Until the chance of ever having a child vanished. And I woke up to what was happening to me. Thinking about it brings up the deepest pain. I console myself a little by thinking in some small way I am glad that I didn’t bring a child into that abusive cycle. At least now I don’t need to have any kind of contact with him. I feel very sorry for those who have children and can never truly escape. It’s a small consolation that I cling to.
Thank you for sharing something so deeply painful. Having the chance of motherhood taken from you is a profound loss. It's very true that not bringing a child into that abusive cycle spared someone else harm, as well as the immense hardships of co-parenting with an abuser. I am sure this offers a kind of quiet reassurance, but it doesn't take away from the loss of the life you were denied. 😞💔
Same for me Rae.... All I ever wanted was to be a mother. He used it to control me. It was never the right time, we can't afford it, you'll get fat, I needed to be healthier, we had to buy a house.... And other bullshit excuses. The only silver lining is never having to deal with him again but the rage of what he stole from me still stirs in my belly from time to time.
That's such a huge loss Isabel, I'm so very sorry. I absolutely understand the relief of not being tied to him anymore, it is indeed a silver lining. But it also doesn't cancel out the grief or rage for what he so cruelly stole from you😞
I’m unsure if what my husband does is future faking or not?
When we lived in rented accommodation he used to say he was going to decorate when we had our own home.
We’ve lived in our own house for over 20 years, I still have the same wallpaper on the walls that I did when we moved in, same carpet.
He did one of the kids rooms with his brother once, but they ended up doing their own rooms once in their late teens.
The kitchen has never been finished.
The garden is a mess.
He wants to move house to somewhere with more parking, a garage and ‘land’, he reckons once we move again he will be up for decorating because he hates where we live now.
I have no idea who he thinks will look after the land - cut grass, trim trees etc and I am very worried the land will just end up a car scrapyard as he’s a mechanic and is always looking at cars.
I’m not physically able to do the garden myself plus we both work.
Sorry this has turned into an essay!
He is also abusive (not physical) and I am planning to leave soon.
Hi Liz, this does sound like future faking to me. You’ve just reminded me of something my ex did. He refused to decorate our bedroom until I cleared away my items that were sitting on top of the chest of drawers. I had nowhere else to put these items so it never happened.
The future faking is a promise of something that never comes to light. You mentioned living in your house for 20 years and he has still not decorated like he said he would if you had your own place.
I hope you safely get away. Always tell someone you trust about your plans. I wish you the very best.
Not sure what to call that either but it definitely sounds like he doesn't respect you or care about your needs or desires. Good luck and be careful leaving.
Thank you for this article. It's shed even more light on my abusive relationship. It's always a surprise to me that even after 13 years out of that relationship, I keep realizing new things about how he manipulated me and our kids.
Many years ago, before the term ‘gaslighting’ became the norm, I used to think how I needed to record what he said to play it back for him when he would argue with me. He would do many different variations of these things, which would drive me mad. I brought up an example at our last marriage counseling apt (we only went to 2), and he went defensive/deflective mode and argued with me about the things we have done instead of the things he promised we would do. Basically proving my point.
My ex husband always stated he wants children then we we had them. He did absolutely nothing with them and, he became jealous of them. I became Mum and Dad. We even discussed having a third as I have always wanted a large family. In court while our children and I were living in the DV Refuge. He told the court that for the whole 20 years we had been together, he had been forced. That he never wanted children with me because I am mentally ill.
I learnt that he had been telling his friends this for years, until the point where they actually started believing that I must be mentally ill.
I leant that the reason so many items in the home were broken was because him and his mother were doing it intentionally, to try and cause me to have a breakdown so they could try and get full custody of my children.
I would do everything. Cook, clean, DIY and all childcare on my own. I would take a little nap when our children were sleeping then wake up in the night to do cleaning until the early houses of the morning. This included handwashing clothes as the washing machine frequently broke and, my ex husband would refuse to get it fixed.
In the DV Refuge a CAFFCAS officer took pity on me. She was impressed with how I organised and handled things.
She showed me all of the
photographs my ex husband had been taking for years. From before we had even spent a year married together. Every time him and his mother sabotaged an appliance, they documented it with photographs and told everyone it was me, I was even informed that he had told people I didn’t have mental capacity and therefore he made all decisions. As I was unable to do so.
I provided her with information of all my work addresses and managers.
I learnt that his goal was to try and raise our children as fully white, with his best friend who allegedly can not have children.
As God would have it, said best friend sent me screenshots of everything he has been saying about me, after he visited her in Greece. He found out became deeply upset.
I got majority custody of the children because of all the evidence of abuse and racism from him and his family. (My children are mixed race.)
Almost 2 years later, his mother and brother are ill, and he is unkempt and smells. As there is no one to look after him the way I used to. As his mother is too ill to do it for him now.
He recently suggested that he physically come down to my Grandmother’s house. For us to spend time with my Grandmother.
I reminded him of the court order where we just need to speak about our children and the divorce. He was furious.
But keeping him blocked on all social media accounts and healing, has helped me emensly.
Yeah well 3 months ago I paid the entire deposit for a property in joint names yet to settle - we lay in bed doing Pinterest boards of interiors, we went to see an architect, we talked non stop of how amazing it will be and then - 1 month after me putting my savings into it he creates a huge row and suddenly he’s back with his ‘crazy’ ex from years ago!!! And if we don’t settle I lose all my money and if we do?? We will have to fire sale probably I’ve sent legal letters and had no response- biggest future fake ever! 💥
Crossing your fingers is a sign of a blessing, you can't break deals that way; anyone who's read the Bible, what you sow in this Life will be sewn in heaven. I'm not even a Christian anymore, I still like Jesus though, he was a better Man than me.
Thank you, I'm really glad you found this explanation useful. That distinction you mention is something I didn't understand at the time. I bought into the excuses and saw the plan changes as a normal part of life, rather than an intentional act of control.
I hear you. There is so much grief around everything we lost - the wasted years, careers put on hold, loss of the person we thought they were. There is also so much grief around who we became in order to survive, and the wish that we had left sooner. But the shame was never ours to carry. That belongs with the person who harmed us in the first place 💛
Though #ShameShouldSwitchSides Michelle, I hope you’ll allow yourself to set down the undeserved shame, and go forth without having to drag that particular burden along.
It’s not easy, but you surely deserve that break 🙏
Oh my goodness, this is yet another eye opening and validating piece.
I’ve long thought about all the future promises, the ones he presented over the length of our 23 years as well as the more recent ones as the control tightened. Things he would promise we would do and in my head, my thoughts questioning why he would get so fixated when I had never said that was something I wanted.
His assumptions became reality in all sorts of ways, even if not factual. And if I said anything to the negative of like, oh hey, I don’t need/want that, it became a blasphemous statement in his head - his reaction tending to be that I had offended him for not wanting what he wanted.
I'm so glad you found it validating. It's amazing how we can piece so much together when we start hearing about other people's experiences and we see that our partner's difficult characteristics and behaviours are actually common patterns of abuse!
What you described also fits really closely with an abuser's 'enmeshed' mindset where they do not see their partner as as a separate, autonomous person. Instead, they see them as an extension of themselves, which comes with an expectation of emotional sameness: their partner should think what they think, feel what they feel, and want what they want.
Like Jess said - yet again you have illuminated an area of abuse that I lived through without naming it. We were together 17 years. I wanted a child and we had discussed that early in the relationship. His future faking cost me the chance to be a mother, something I wanted so much. There was always a reason to delay. And he would frequently turn it around and try to make out it was my fault or my decision and I had acted in a way that meant I didn’t want that any more. So I repeated my desire while he used my unfolding desperation to control me. When we bought a house I was hopeful it would finally happen. Instead the abuse got worse. Until the chance of ever having a child vanished. And I woke up to what was happening to me. Thinking about it brings up the deepest pain. I console myself a little by thinking in some small way I am glad that I didn’t bring a child into that abusive cycle. At least now I don’t need to have any kind of contact with him. I feel very sorry for those who have children and can never truly escape. It’s a small consolation that I cling to.
Thank you for sharing something so deeply painful. Having the chance of motherhood taken from you is a profound loss. It's very true that not bringing a child into that abusive cycle spared someone else harm, as well as the immense hardships of co-parenting with an abuser. I am sure this offers a kind of quiet reassurance, but it doesn't take away from the loss of the life you were denied. 😞💔
Same for me Rae.... All I ever wanted was to be a mother. He used it to control me. It was never the right time, we can't afford it, you'll get fat, I needed to be healthier, we had to buy a house.... And other bullshit excuses. The only silver lining is never having to deal with him again but the rage of what he stole from me still stirs in my belly from time to time.
That's such a huge loss Isabel, I'm so very sorry. I absolutely understand the relief of not being tied to him anymore, it is indeed a silver lining. But it also doesn't cancel out the grief or rage for what he so cruelly stole from you😞
I’m unsure if what my husband does is future faking or not?
When we lived in rented accommodation he used to say he was going to decorate when we had our own home.
We’ve lived in our own house for over 20 years, I still have the same wallpaper on the walls that I did when we moved in, same carpet.
He did one of the kids rooms with his brother once, but they ended up doing their own rooms once in their late teens.
The kitchen has never been finished.
The garden is a mess.
He wants to move house to somewhere with more parking, a garage and ‘land’, he reckons once we move again he will be up for decorating because he hates where we live now.
I have no idea who he thinks will look after the land - cut grass, trim trees etc and I am very worried the land will just end up a car scrapyard as he’s a mechanic and is always looking at cars.
I’m not physically able to do the garden myself plus we both work.
Sorry this has turned into an essay!
He is also abusive (not physical) and I am planning to leave soon.
Hi Liz, this does sound like future faking to me. You’ve just reminded me of something my ex did. He refused to decorate our bedroom until I cleared away my items that were sitting on top of the chest of drawers. I had nowhere else to put these items so it never happened.
The future faking is a promise of something that never comes to light. You mentioned living in your house for 20 years and he has still not decorated like he said he would if you had your own place.
I hope you safely get away. Always tell someone you trust about your plans. I wish you the very best.
Not sure what to call that either but it definitely sounds like he doesn't respect you or care about your needs or desires. Good luck and be careful leaving.
Thank you for this article. It's shed even more light on my abusive relationship. It's always a surprise to me that even after 13 years out of that relationship, I keep realizing new things about how he manipulated me and our kids.
Many years ago, before the term ‘gaslighting’ became the norm, I used to think how I needed to record what he said to play it back for him when he would argue with me. He would do many different variations of these things, which would drive me mad. I brought up an example at our last marriage counseling apt (we only went to 2), and he went defensive/deflective mode and argued with me about the things we have done instead of the things he promised we would do. Basically proving my point.
I spent a lot of time thinking 'i am not f*cking crazy, I KNOW what you said' but they love trying to convince you you don't even know your own mind.
My ex husband always stated he wants children then we we had them. He did absolutely nothing with them and, he became jealous of them. I became Mum and Dad. We even discussed having a third as I have always wanted a large family. In court while our children and I were living in the DV Refuge. He told the court that for the whole 20 years we had been together, he had been forced. That he never wanted children with me because I am mentally ill.
I learnt that he had been telling his friends this for years, until the point where they actually started believing that I must be mentally ill.
I leant that the reason so many items in the home were broken was because him and his mother were doing it intentionally, to try and cause me to have a breakdown so they could try and get full custody of my children.
I would do everything. Cook, clean, DIY and all childcare on my own. I would take a little nap when our children were sleeping then wake up in the night to do cleaning until the early houses of the morning. This included handwashing clothes as the washing machine frequently broke and, my ex husband would refuse to get it fixed.
In the DV Refuge a CAFFCAS officer took pity on me. She was impressed with how I organised and handled things.
She showed me all of the
photographs my ex husband had been taking for years. From before we had even spent a year married together. Every time him and his mother sabotaged an appliance, they documented it with photographs and told everyone it was me, I was even informed that he had told people I didn’t have mental capacity and therefore he made all decisions. As I was unable to do so.
I provided her with information of all my work addresses and managers.
I learnt that his goal was to try and raise our children as fully white, with his best friend who allegedly can not have children.
As God would have it, said best friend sent me screenshots of everything he has been saying about me, after he visited her in Greece. He found out became deeply upset.
I got majority custody of the children because of all the evidence of abuse and racism from him and his family. (My children are mixed race.)
Almost 2 years later, his mother and brother are ill, and he is unkempt and smells. As there is no one to look after him the way I used to. As his mother is too ill to do it for him now.
He recently suggested that he physically come down to my Grandmother’s house. For us to spend time with my Grandmother.
I reminded him of the court order where we just need to speak about our children and the divorce. He was furious.
But keeping him blocked on all social media accounts and healing, has helped me emensly.
I apologise for the grammar errors and spelling errors as I can see a few.
My ex was an absolute master of this.
Yeah well 3 months ago I paid the entire deposit for a property in joint names yet to settle - we lay in bed doing Pinterest boards of interiors, we went to see an architect, we talked non stop of how amazing it will be and then - 1 month after me putting my savings into it he creates a huge row and suddenly he’s back with his ‘crazy’ ex from years ago!!! And if we don’t settle I lose all my money and if we do?? We will have to fire sale probably I’ve sent legal letters and had no response- biggest future fake ever! 💥
We’ve known each other 11 years it’s insane
Crossing your fingers is a sign of a blessing, you can't break deals that way; anyone who's read the Bible, what you sow in this Life will be sewn in heaven. I'm not even a Christian anymore, I still like Jesus though, he was a better Man than me.
Thank you, I'm really glad you found this explanation useful. That distinction you mention is something I didn't understand at the time. I bought into the excuses and saw the plan changes as a normal part of life, rather than an intentional act of control.
I hear you. There is so much grief around everything we lost - the wasted years, careers put on hold, loss of the person we thought they were. There is also so much grief around who we became in order to survive, and the wish that we had left sooner. But the shame was never ours to carry. That belongs with the person who harmed us in the first place 💛
Though #ShameShouldSwitchSides Michelle, I hope you’ll allow yourself to set down the undeserved shame, and go forth without having to drag that particular burden along.
It’s not easy, but you surely deserve that break 🙏