Domestic Abuse Survivors Share Warning Signs to Look Out For
The journey of leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the most challenging experiences in life, and those who have endured it have important insights to offer. Escaping abuse often goes beyond the physical departure—it involves untangling years of control and manipulation. Based on their lived experiences, here are the key lessons some survivors wish to share.
Trust Your Instincts and Recognize Body Signals
Survivors frequently emphasize the importance of listening to your body’s signals. Often, physical sensations can warn you of danger before your mind fully registers the threat.
“Trust your guts. Never ignore that uncomfortable feeling your body gives you. Your body can tell you if you’re unsafe. Women have this wonderful sense for a reason. If you feel butterflies in your stomach, be vigilant and don’t question why—just stay away. That feeling is telling you it’s not safe to be around that person.”
Sometimes, these signals appear early on in a relationship as subtle red flags. Survivors advise trusting these feelings as a means of protection before things worsen.
Notice Their Reaction to Your Success
One way an abuser may reveal themselves is through their response to your achievements. If they seem threatened by your success or attempt to diminish your self-worth, it’s a significant warning sign.
“Observe how a person reacts when you share events from your life. Are they happy and excited for you? If so, that’s a green flag. But if they discourage you, question your decisions, or seem unhappy about your achievements, that’s a red flag.”
An unsupportive partner may belittle your accomplishments or make sarcastic remarks about your success. Survivors warn that if someone undermines your confidence, it could be an early form of control and manipulation.
Setting Boundaries: Watch for Their Response
In any healthy relationship, boundaries are key. Survivors emphasize that a person’s reaction to your boundaries reveals a lot about their intentions.
“Setting boundaries is okay, and they protect you. Watch how someone responds when you say no or express a boundary. If they try to push back or guilt you, that’s a major warning sign.”
Abusers often dislike boundaries because they disrupt their control. When someone cannot respect your limits, it’s likely a sign of deeper manipulation.
Isolation Techniques: Stay Alert
A common tactic of abusers is to isolate their partners from support networks, making it easier to control them. Survivors stress the importance of keeping connections with family, friends, and colleagues despite attempts to separate you from them.
“Abusers use isolation techniques, either by outright forbidding you from seeing others or making you feel guilty for spending time away from them. They want to be the only person you turn to so they can control your perspective.”
Another survivor shared, “If you notice that your partner consistently criticizes your friends or family, or they start complaining every time you make plans, that’s a major red flag. Slowly, they’ll make you feel like they’re the only one who truly understands you.” This distancing tactic can create dependency, which the abuser then exploits.
Recognize Manipulative Emotional Tactics
Manipulation is often subtle in abusive relationships. It can take forms like guilt-tripping, playing the victim, gaslighting, or masking possessiveness as care. Survivors say these tactics may start small but increase over time.
“My abuser made playful jokes, but he was the only one laughing. Over time, those ‘jokes’ became insults aimed at tearing down my self-esteem. It’s subtle, but if you don’t resist it, they’ll keep pushing the boundaries until you lose yourself.”
Another survivor warns, “Be cautious of partners who twist things to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotions. Statements like, ‘You made me do this,’ or, ‘I wouldn’t be this way if you didn’t...’ are manipulation tactics designed to shift blame and keep you walking on eggshells.” These behaviors slowly erode confidence and distort your reality.
Spot Hot-and-Cold Behavior
Abusive people often use hot-and-cold behavior, alternating between affection and cruelty, to create a cycle of dependency. This approach forms a trauma bond that can make it difficult to leave the relationship.
“They’ll give you the silent treatment when you set a boundary, only to later open back up, creating a cycle of despair and relief. It makes you feel like you’re constantly on edge, waiting for the next outburst.” This inconsistency keeps victims hoping that the “good times” will stay, even though the abuse inevitably resurfaces.
Another survivor notes, “Don’t mistake the ‘good moments’ for a turning point. Abusers know when to turn on the charm just enough to keep you from leaving. It’s a pattern of reward and punishment designed to keep you hooked, always hoping things will improve.”
Financial Control
Abusers often restrict financial access to limit independence. Survivors emphasize that having financial independence can be a critical safeguard. Access to your own resources can provide options if you decide to leave an abusive environment.
One survivor shares, “At first, he insisted on handling all the finances, saying it would simplify things for me. But over time, I realized I had no access to any of our accounts or my own money.”
Another survivor advises, “If a partner discourages you from having your own job or savings, see it as a red flag. Independence is key, and anyone who truly cares about you will support, not limit, your financial freedom.”
Control and Jealousy Are Not Signs of Love
Many survivors stress that obsessive jealousy and possessiveness are signs of control, not love. Abusers might disguise their possessive behavior as concern, but it’s often intended to limit your freedom.
“One of the biggest signs was the obsessive jealousy. It went from being ‘concerned’ about my safety to controlling who I could talk to and where I could go. It wasn’t love; it was control.”
If your partner constantly monitors where you are or who you’re with, or dictates what you wear or say, it’s not affection—it’s control.
Reclaiming Trust in Your Own Judgment
After an abusive relationship, many survivors say one of the toughest aspects of healing is learning to trust their own instincts again. Abusers often manipulate their partners into doubting their perceptions and feelings.
“When your internal guide has been systematically tampered with, it’s an uphill battle to trust your own decisions. Be patient with yourself and give yourself grace as you rebuild that trust.”
Rebuilding self-trust takes time and patience, but it’s a critical part of moving forward.
There’s No Obligation to Stay
Lastly, survivors want others to know that no one is obligated to stay in an abusive situation. Your safety and happiness should come first, regardless of marital or family status.
“Being a wife does not mean you’re obligated to do things you don’t want to do. You have a right to your own autonomy, and you should never feel like you have to stay for the sake of appearances.”
Leaving can be difficult, but it’s often the best decision for both you and, if applicable, your children. Many survivors regret staying longer than they did and want others to feel empowered to make the choice to leave if they need to.
Don’t Give Up Hope
The experiences shared by survivors highlight the importance of trusting your intuition, setting boundaries, and recognizing early signs of manipulation and control. Abuse rarely starts as aggression or violence; often, it begins with emotional tactics, isolation, and subtle control. Recognizing these behaviors early can help protect you, and for those already impacted, know that healing is achievable. It takes time, patience, and support, but survivors rebuild and rediscover their self-trust and strength.
Featured image: Domestic abuse survivor giving advice. Source: Cultura Creative / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.