Is Genuine Love Possible from an Abuser?

Navigating a relationship that alternates between expressions of love and acts of control or abuse can be a confusing and emotionally painful journey. Individuals caught in these dynamics often grapple with a profound and unsettling doubt: Does my partner truly love me? This question is particularly poignant in abusive relationships, especially those marked by coercive control—a systematic pattern of conduct aimed at asserting dominance over the victim through fear, humiliation, isolation, and manipulation.

Understanding Coercive Control

Coercive control is a calculated and ongoing form of psychological and emotional abuse aimed at establishing dominance. Scholars such as Evan Stark, who coined the term, assert that this behavior revolves around power and control, contrasting with any genuine notion of love. Stark underscores that coercive control ensnares victims in a complex web of entrapment, which can be more debilitating than physical harm at times.

Motivations Behind Abuse

The reasons behind abusive behaviors are intricate and diverse. Abusers often harbor a deep-seated need for power and dominance rooted in personal insecurities, past traumas, learned behaviors, or psychological disorders. Psychological research indicates that some abusers may mistakenly equate love with control, viewing their manipulative actions as expressions of affection. However, this distorted belief system is inherently flawed and detrimental.

Distorted Notions of Love

Psychologists argue that abusers may convince themselves that they love their partners, despite their profoundly distorted understanding of love. Dr. Lisa Aronson Fontes, a senior lecturer at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and author of ‘Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship,’ notes that abusers often see their possessive and controlling behaviors as expressions of deep connection and love. For instance, they may justify their actions by claiming they are driven by love and a desire to protect their partner. Fontes highlights that this misguided belief system blinds abusers to the harmful consequences of their conduct.

Dr. Judith Herman, a psychiatrist and professor at Harvard Medical School and author of ‘Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror’, suggests that abusive relationships often mirror the dynamics of captor and captive. In this context, abusers manipulate their victims by professing love, thereby confusing and binding them to the relationship. This manipulation creates a complex emotional bond that obscures victims' recognition of the abuse. According to Herman, genuine love entails respecting the other person's humanity, promoting their well-being, and nurturing their autonomy—a stark contrast to the control, fear, and emotional degradation inflicted by abusers.

Dr. Herman's research underscores that authentic love cannot coexist with abuse. Unlike the nurturing and supportive nature of genuine affection, abuse seeks to diminish and control. Herman's work emphasizes that true love fosters growth and independence, qualities that are fundamentally incompatible with the dynamics of abusive relationships.

How Do Abusers View Love?

Lundy Bancroft, in his influential work, ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,’ suggests that abusers may experience intense emotions they label as love, but these feelings diverge significantly from genuine affection and care.

The abuser’s concept of love is entwined with a need for control, possession, and complete devotion from their partner, confusing possessiveness with authentic connection. This misconception leads them to rationalize abuse as acts of love. Drawing from his extensive counseling of abusers, Bancroft recounts disturbing statements reflecting their distorted view of love, such as:

“I told her she’d better not ever try to leave me. You have no idea how much I love this girl!” and,

“The reason I abuse her is because I have such strong feelings for her. You hurt the ones you love the most.”

Bancroft underscores that authentic love entails respecting the other person’s humanity, fostering their independence, and prioritizing their overall well-being—values fundamentally incompatible with abusive dynamics. He argues that genuine love cannot coexist with the desire to control and dominate another person. Instead, what abusers perceive as love often revolves around possessive desires—for unwavering loyalty, exclusive sexual commitment, and admiration from others.

Misconstrued Love

Abusers may profess love for their victims, but their actions reveal a starkly different truth. Love cannot coexist with tactics of fear, control, and domination. The declaration of love within an abusive relationship often serves as a tool of manipulation, designed to bind the victim tightly to the abuser and hinder their ability to break free.

For those enduring such circumstances, it’s crucial to understand that authentic love respects your individuality, fosters your personal development, and fosters a sense of security. If you find yourself questioning the love in your relationship due to abusive behavior, seeking assistance from professionals or organizations dedicated to supporting victims of domestic abuse can be a crucial step forward. Differentiating between possessive behaviors and genuine love is essential for breaking the cycle of abuse and forging a path toward relationships characterized by mutual respect and care.

References:

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York: Berkley Books.

Fontes, L. A. (2015). Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship. New York: Guilford Press.

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. New York: Basic Books.

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. New York: Oxford University Press.

Featured image: Does an Abuser Love You? Image: JUrban / Public domain.