How Abusers Isolate Their Victims

Isolation is a strategic method employed by abusers to maintain control and dominance over their partners. By dismantling their partner’s support network, abusers sever connections to potential sources of help, thereby increasing their victim's dependency on them. This systematic destruction of social ties traps the victim in a cycle of reliance, making the thought of leaving feel overwhelmingly difficult.

Lundy Bancroft, in his book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, explains that an abusive man isolates his partner for two main reasons. Firstly, he desires her life to revolve solely around him and his needs. If she has a vibrant social life and personal interests, she will have less time and energy to focus on him. Secondly, he aims to prevent her from gaining any external sources of strength that could lead to her independence. Abusive individuals, often subconsciously, recognize that a woman's social connections can empower her and potentially provide the means for her to escape their control.

The Role of Isolation in Abusive Relationships

“Being connected with family and friends who care about you provides access to support and, sometimes, opportunities to hear their concerns about your relationship,” writes Carol A. Lambert, author of Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. “Your partner does not want you to hear that your loved ones worry about the way he treats you. These outside influences can undermine his control” (p. 116).

Abusers isolate their partners primarily due to their own insecurities. A controlling man feels threatened when his partner’s life doesn’t center around him; he may fear losing control or that his partner will leave him.

During my marriage to a controlling husband, we mostly had mutual friends and socialized together. However, after relocating to a new country, I developed a close, personal friendship that didn’t include him. He began speaking negatively about my friend and tried to limit our time together. Shortly after I left my husband, he made many admissions in an attempt to convince me to return. His explanation about his behavior was very revealing. He wrote: “Until now we had all the same friends, so it was a big change for me to understand and accept that you would have a friend of your own. It was the loneliness that I was feeling, and you were my only real friend in my mind so I was afraid that she would take that away from me.”

Controlling individuals use various strategies to create isolation and dependency in their partners. Here are some of the most common methods.

Severing Social Ties

A key tactic of isolation employed by abusers involves gradually reducing their partner's interactions with friends, family, and the community at large. This often starts with subtle comments suggesting that certain friends are not trustworthy or accusations that family members are interfering in the relationship. Over time, these insinuations can escalate into outright demands, with the abuser forbidding the victim from seeing specific people or participating in social events, thereby effectively severing their support network.

“He might move his girlfriend or wife to a home far from her family and friends, where she does not know people and is likely to feel lonely,” writes Lisa Aronson Fontes in ‘Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.’ “He might limit her phone calls, insist that she share all her social media or e-mail contacts with him, and require that she talk to friends or family “on her own time,” such as during the workday, so he can have her undivided attention in the evening and on weekends.” (pp. 15-16)

Psychological Manipulation

Psychological tactics are pivotal in the isolation process. Abusers often employ guilt, shame, or fear to prevent their partners from seeking support. This can involve making their partner feel guilty for wanting to spend time with others or instilling fear about the repercussions of reaching out for help. Additionally, abusers might spread falsehoods or rumors about their victim to friends and family, thereby undermining their relationships and credibility, making it more challenging for them to seek support.

“A man may isolate his partner in many ways without appearing cruel or controlling. His efforts to have her all to himself may initially feel like love,” writes Lisa Aronson Fontes in Invisible Chains. “He just cannot get enough of her. He says he wants to protect her from harm and doesn’t want her to tire herself out” (p. 15).

While living abroad with my husband, far from my family and friends, our son was born. After his birth, my husband insisted that I could only visit my home country with our son once every four years. He argued that the child was too young to travel, that the radiation from a transatlantic flight would harm his developing brain, and that he might contract illnesses. My objections were met with accusations of selfishness and disregard for our son's well-being. He also implied that my desire to visit my family meant I loved them more than him, thereby harming our marriage.

Restricting Communication

Abusers frequently take measures to monitor and control all forms of their partner's communication. This can range from demanding access to their partner’s personal email and social media accounts, listening in on phone calls, or even forbidding the use of these communication tools without supervision. By dictating who their partner can talk to and controlling the flow of information, the abuser ensures that they remain the primary, if not sole, source of social interaction and news for the victim.

Financial Domination

Another significant tactic involves controlling the victim's financial resources, thereby restricting their ability to engage in activities outside the home or seek help. This might involve withholding money, imposing strict spending limits, or preventing the partner from working. By eliminating financial independence, the abuser ensures that the victim remains economically reliant on them, further limiting their ability to seek external support or escape.

“An abusive man might isolate a woman by controlling her finances, denying payment for basic needs, or taking away her money through threats, trickery, violence, and outright theft. He might demand that she pay all their joint expenses including rent, food, and utilities. He might deny his wife a credit card or insist that all their cards be held jointly and then deliberately ruin her credit. While he makes large expenditures on his own, he requires that she justify even small expenses.” (Fontes, 2015, p. 19)

Building Dependency

Ultimately, these strategies converge to create an environment where the victim feels entirely dependent on the abuser, not just for financial and physical needs, but for emotional support as well. This dependency keeps women trapped in the abusive relationship, making it challenging to seek help or escape the cycle of abuse.

“The isolation inflicts significant hidden injuries, such as increased dependence on your partner, which amplifies his power and control over you, while you experience a gradual decline in spirit,” writes Carol A. Lambert in Women with Controlling Partners. “With minimal or no social contact, you become secluded and alone, which naturally increases your reliance on your partner. Consequently, you turn to the person controlling your life for your needs. In this state of isolation and deteriorated spirit, you feel less inclined to resist your partner” (pp. 118-119).

Isolation is a deliberate and calculated effort by abusers to ensure their partners feel powerless, disconnected, and unable to leave. Breaking free from isolation involves recognizing the abuse, reconnecting with support networks, seeking professional guidance, and carefully planning for safety and independence. Empowerment begins with understanding that you deserve a life free from abuse, supported by people who respect and care for you. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and while the path to freedom is challenging, it is a journey worth taking for your safety and well-being.

References

Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Publishing Group.

Fontes, Lisa Aronson. (2015). Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship. Guilford Publications.

Lambert, Carol A. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.