The Abuse You Can’t See: How Abusers Control Without Ever Saying “No”

When people imagine abuse, they often picture a partner shouting orders, laying down rules, or forbidding certain behaviours outright. The assumption is that control must be visible and clear. But for many, the deepest wounds came not from loud commands but from the silence around them - the subtle punishments, the manipulative remarks, and the constant shifting of expectations.

This is how coercive control works. It is rarely obvious. Sometimes it simply leaves you to connect the dots between your choices and the inevitable fallout. Over time, the effect is the same as being ordered around directly, only it’s even harder to name.

How Subtle Control Works

In healthy relationships, partners may disagree about preferences or priorities, but the outcome is negotiated. In abusive relationships, the abuser doesn’t need to say “you can’t.” They only need to make it clear that if you do, you’ll pay a price. As one survivor put it: “He never outright forbid me from doing anything, but he would make my life a living hell if I wouldn’t do what he wanted.”

The punishments can take many forms: sulking, rage, withdrawal of affection, silent treatments, intimidation, even threats disguised as jokes. Survivors learn to pre-empt these reactions, to keep the peace by giving up more and more of themselves. One woman described it this way: “It happens slowly, insidiously. My ex chipped away and chipped away at me until I had no idea who I was and didn’t even realize it. All my interests, opinions, beliefs, desires, plans slowly became all of his because it was easier that way.”

This is why so many survivors later say they lost their sense of self. It isn’t necessarily because someone shouted them down every day, but because “once you have learned those rules, they invent others. They thrive on conflict so they can reassert their control over and over again. You start fretting and second guessing every move you make.”

The Illusion of Choice

Abusers often cloak their control in the language of choice or freedom. Some report being told, “I’m not stopping you,” while hearing in the same breath, “but I won’t be able to control what I’ll do if you go.”

One woman remembered the fear that settled over her: “The isolation from my family and friends was his biggest mind game… He would say ‘I’m not keeping you from them’ but then threaten to hurt or kill them.”

This double bind leaves victims paralysed. They’re telling you that you can go. But practically, you can’t. The choice is a trap - whatever you pick, you lose.

Another survivor explained: “The silent treatment, the angry face, the ‘no I’m not upset’ while they do these things, and they will say what a supportive person would say so that later on it’s like, ‘no, I told you I WANTED you to go running!’ and while it’s true these words were spoken, it was obvious they didn’t mean them. So it becomes your own ‘choice’ to do everything they want, and nothing you want.”

By appearance, there’s freedom. In reality, the cost of exercising it is too high.

“I used to ask myself ‘What is this going to cost me?’, one woman shared. “Sometimes I knew I didn’t have the energy to deal with the cost, so I just didn’t do what I wanted. It was a miserable way to live.”

Everyday Erosion

It’s not always about dramatic threats. Sometimes it’s about being worn down over time with small, everyday cuts. “The small digs, the things you laugh off, because you think - surely they’re joking, but it’s not a joke. It’s domestic abuse, emotional and mental abuse.”

For others, it was ‘death by a thousand corrections’: “He did this to me with clothes. My friends. My cooking. If out to dinner with others, he’d kick me under the table making me wonder what I had said. He’d critique after social outings. I once told a table what I was reading, and he said I sounded pretentious.”

This gradual erosion of confidence leads survivors to self-censor. Better not to speak, better not to wear the wrong blouse, better not to make plans, than to endure the aftermath. One woman summed it up: “To keep harmony, you compromise on the ‘little things’, then again, and again, and before you know it, the goal posts have had an almighty shift.”

The Punishment of Silence

Perhaps one of the most effective – and invisible – tools of control is silence. Survivors often describe the agony of stonewalling as worse than shouting. “The silent treatment is unbearable. Never know how long to let it go on before I apologize and try to make things right. I never seem to get that right either.”

One woman explained, “He rarely told me ‘You are not allowed to do X.’ But the shaming and fighting and depressive episodes that I would have to endure afterward was never worth doing X.”

Another survivor explained the impossible bind: “If they don’t want to talk about an issue, it’s best to give up. The stonewalling and other consequences aren’t worth it. If they DO want to talk…even if it’s 1:00 am and work is early the next day, you better get up and talk.”

The silence is not neutral. It is charged, punishing, designed to keep the victim in a constant state of vigilance.

When ‘No’ Becomes Impossible

Another powerful tool abusers use is relentless harassment. It’s not just about what they say, but how often they say it, how long they keep going, and how they wear you down until giving in feels like the only way to make it stop.

One survivor explained: “He never said I couldn’t have a hospital birth, but he sent me links every day with ‘research’ about medicalised births and all the things that can go wrong from over-intervention. He’d raise the subject multiple times a day for months. He’d accuse me of not caring about our baby. In the end, I couldn’t take it anymore and caved in.”

This tactic works by grinding down resistance. The constant drip of pressure creates a kind of psychological exhaustion, where the victim agrees just to end the conflict, even if it means abandoning their own wishes.

Another survivor described it like this: “He wanted to go on a holiday abroad during Covid lockdowns and I said No. I was hounded for months. He used guilt-tripping, fear-mongering, involving our child, bombarding me every day, blame, insults, and accusations. So I agreed because I couldn’t put up with the psychological torment of saying No.”

This kind of control is insidious because, technically, the victim “chose” the outcome. From the outside, it can look like they simply agreed. But inside the relationship, choice has been eroded. The abuser has engineered a situation where refusal is unbearable, and compliance becomes the only escape from endless pressure.

Why This Form of Abuse Is Overlooked

The difficulty in recognising this kind of control is that it leaves no obvious trace. There may be no visible bruises, no explicit orders and demands, often no raised voices. So from the outside, the victim still looks “free.” But in reality, they have been manoeuvred into a life of silence, compliance, and fear.

One survivor captured it well: “It happens slowly, insidiously. By the time you’ve worked out what’s happening, it’s too late. Sometimes, fatally late.”

This form of abuse thrives precisely because it is invisible to outsiders. But those who’ve lived it know the truth - when every decision carries an unspoken cost, when ‘choices’ exist only in theory, when even silence is wielded as punishment, what looks like freedom from the outside is, in reality, captivity.

Featured image: Coercive control is invisible abuse. Source: Ilona / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

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