Wow, thank you for this. I have been on the receiving end of similar verbal rants and am currently on day 8 of the silent treatment because of some inadvertent perceived "disrespect" that "if I can't figure out what I did wrong, it's not his job to explain it to me."
Honestly, it's embarrassing to admit how long it took for me to realize that "everything would be ok if you just listen to me" was actually code for submit and comply with his every demand and shut up, not actually listen haha. Of course, it's always my fault for the behaviour.
Why stay and let yourself be treated that way, in reply to an above comment? If only it was that straightforward - the length he's gone to twist my sense of reality is crazy-making and if I recognized the first sign as a clear indication of what was to come, 8 years ago, I would have RAN because the me that I was then NEVER would have put up with it. Unfortunately, he also had a severe alcohol addiction which was an excuse/mask for his actual just plain abusive self but I stayed for entirely too long thinking, if only he'd stop drinking everything would be back to "normal"... And there were long periods of good times, until all of a sudden there wasn't. Maybe it's like childbirth, we forget until it's happening again and we're in the middle of it. I feel for the person who received this email and I truly hope she is safe and can find some peace. It's a tough thing to admit out loud, that you're experiencing this - I wrote about this a couple days ago - cus it does feel like a failure of my sense of self/dignity/respect but I'm tired of hiding and worrying what other people think.
My ex wrote this same email to me multiple times. Kate Amber, coercive control expert, deemed him a very dangerous abuser in her scale of control. These are the men that want to kill us. I escaped btw 😉 our son still has to live half time with him and we count the days until he is 14 and can decide. We are working toward legislative change in NM! Abusers have no right to their child!
I'm going to be very straight here though. I do not understand women who allow a man to treat them or talk to them like this. This type of letter doesn't come out of nowhere. The fact that he thinks he CAN talk to her / treat her like that tells me that he has already stepped over too many lines before that either did not exist, or were constantly redrawn to appease him. And I hate to point out but a woman who cannot protect her own boundaries is unlikely to protect her children's either. Children suffering from Stockholm Syndrome in response to the chronic fear, dependency, and powerlessness they feel, end up becoming sympathizers and enablers of abuse. And before we know it we have an entire society willing to rationalize and find excuses for the abusers. We have a lot of these types in Family Court btw.
The sooner a woman leaves the better and the best time to leave is before you have children. I understand many women don't realize they are trapped until AFTER having children and that's where the Family Courts should step in to liberate her and her children from the abuse. But we all know that's not what they do.
I think it’s really important to recognise that a victim is never allowing the abuse, they are enduring it to survive, often under conditions that leave them with very few safe choices.
In this case, the woman comes from a culture where honour killings are a serious risk. Honour killings are murders committed, usually by family members, against someone they believe has brought shame on the family, often because of things like leaving a husband or refusing a marriage. It is heartbreaking that abuse can trap someone in an impossible position where leaving may mean facing even greater danger than staying.
Statistically, leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for an abuse victim, and many have lost their lives in the process. 😪
Wow, thank you for this. I have been on the receiving end of similar verbal rants and am currently on day 8 of the silent treatment because of some inadvertent perceived "disrespect" that "if I can't figure out what I did wrong, it's not his job to explain it to me."
Honestly, it's embarrassing to admit how long it took for me to realize that "everything would be ok if you just listen to me" was actually code for submit and comply with his every demand and shut up, not actually listen haha. Of course, it's always my fault for the behaviour.
Why stay and let yourself be treated that way, in reply to an above comment? If only it was that straightforward - the length he's gone to twist my sense of reality is crazy-making and if I recognized the first sign as a clear indication of what was to come, 8 years ago, I would have RAN because the me that I was then NEVER would have put up with it. Unfortunately, he also had a severe alcohol addiction which was an excuse/mask for his actual just plain abusive self but I stayed for entirely too long thinking, if only he'd stop drinking everything would be back to "normal"... And there were long periods of good times, until all of a sudden there wasn't. Maybe it's like childbirth, we forget until it's happening again and we're in the middle of it. I feel for the person who received this email and I truly hope she is safe and can find some peace. It's a tough thing to admit out loud, that you're experiencing this - I wrote about this a couple days ago - cus it does feel like a failure of my sense of self/dignity/respect but I'm tired of hiding and worrying what other people think.
What I heard is do what I say and there is no problem
My ex wrote this same email to me multiple times. Kate Amber, coercive control expert, deemed him a very dangerous abuser in her scale of control. These are the men that want to kill us. I escaped btw 😉 our son still has to live half time with him and we count the days until he is 14 and can decide. We are working toward legislative change in NM! Abusers have no right to their child!
Is this even a real letter? Unbelievable.
I'm going to be very straight here though. I do not understand women who allow a man to treat them or talk to them like this. This type of letter doesn't come out of nowhere. The fact that he thinks he CAN talk to her / treat her like that tells me that he has already stepped over too many lines before that either did not exist, or were constantly redrawn to appease him. And I hate to point out but a woman who cannot protect her own boundaries is unlikely to protect her children's either. Children suffering from Stockholm Syndrome in response to the chronic fear, dependency, and powerlessness they feel, end up becoming sympathizers and enablers of abuse. And before we know it we have an entire society willing to rationalize and find excuses for the abusers. We have a lot of these types in Family Court btw.
The sooner a woman leaves the better and the best time to leave is before you have children. I understand many women don't realize they are trapped until AFTER having children and that's where the Family Courts should step in to liberate her and her children from the abuse. But we all know that's not what they do.
Yes, sadly it is real.
I think it’s really important to recognise that a victim is never allowing the abuse, they are enduring it to survive, often under conditions that leave them with very few safe choices.
In this case, the woman comes from a culture where honour killings are a serious risk. Honour killings are murders committed, usually by family members, against someone they believe has brought shame on the family, often because of things like leaving a husband or refusing a marriage. It is heartbreaking that abuse can trap someone in an impossible position where leaving may mean facing even greater danger than staying.
Statistically, leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for an abuse victim, and many have lost their lives in the process. 😪