The cruelest part is that I didn’t even fully see it as cruel at the time. I just kept adjusting. Negotiating. Finding ways to make the occasion work around their conditions.
It took years to understand that the occasion was never the point for either of them. The control was.
I never wanted to marry my ex, not because I didn’t love him, but because I was afraid he would say something nasty/below the belt at the wedding and I would end up in tears 😔
My abuser (this is a recurring phrasing, and I am not sure how else to say it, but I also loath to say it, I don't want to claim him).... The man who abused me (better!) sulked mightily at my birthday, and I was feeling like I continually had to keep an eye on him, loop him into the conversation, make sure he was happy... when I decorated the house for his birthday, he tore it all down and yelled at me, like some sick f*ck. Earlier in the day I'd asked if he wanted anything special for dinner? He said no. So I didn't make anything. And so he flipped out and tore down the decorations I'd put up. As sad as those memories are, I'm so grateful he is not physically present in my life anymore (but still harassing me through legal system, but.... whatever... f-- it).
Christmas, Mother’s Day, other people’s weddings, vacations, Father’s Day for sure, long hikes…. Pretty much every damn time. Feels good to celebrate things on my own now, just me, my kids, and the people who love us. Feeling all of you right now. I really appreciate this post 🩷
Can relate- thanksgiving this past year was overshadowed by his leaving in anger to “cool down”. Twice. And once was with my son in righteous support of an ‘offense’ against my son. All instances blown way out of proportion. Late cold dinner. Fun family times.
My mother refused to come to my wedding unless everyone followed her conditions. My siblings had to give her an ultimatum before she agreed to attend.
My father’s family was to be excluded entirely unless she approved.
And then my ex husband turned out to follow the same pattern through different means.
Two people. Same mechanism. The occasion was never mine to have.
DK, The Unraveling 🤍
It's horrible that such a special day was overshadowed by such cruel and controlling behaviour. 😔💛
The cruelest part is that I didn’t even fully see it as cruel at the time. I just kept adjusting. Negotiating. Finding ways to make the occasion work around their conditions.
It took years to understand that the occasion was never the point for either of them. The control was.
Thank you for seeing it so clearly. 🧡
DK 🤍
I hear you! I've been in that exact same place too of not seeing it for what it was and instead endlessly trying to accommodate and keep the peace.
But we see it now and that changes everything. 💛
Seeing it changes everything. Even when the seeing arrives later than we would have wanted.
The accommodation felt like love for so long. It took a long time to understand it was just fear with better manners.
Glad we’re finally seeing it for what it is at least.. for now 🤍
DK 🤍
I think about this often. He isn’t around nowadays but each birthday reminds me. Thank you for talking / writing about it. ❤️
I hope you are experiencing birthdays very differently now and they are much happier for you. It's tough to look back and remember how they once were.
So, so much in this echoes past abuses by both my father and my STBX husband.
I'm sorry to hear this resonates so strongly for you, but I hope in some way it is validating 💛
I never wanted to marry my ex, not because I didn’t love him, but because I was afraid he would say something nasty/below the belt at the wedding and I would end up in tears 😔
I'm so sorry, it's awful you were subjected to that 😔
My abuser (this is a recurring phrasing, and I am not sure how else to say it, but I also loath to say it, I don't want to claim him).... The man who abused me (better!) sulked mightily at my birthday, and I was feeling like I continually had to keep an eye on him, loop him into the conversation, make sure he was happy... when I decorated the house for his birthday, he tore it all down and yelled at me, like some sick f*ck. Earlier in the day I'd asked if he wanted anything special for dinner? He said no. So I didn't make anything. And so he flipped out and tore down the decorations I'd put up. As sad as those memories are, I'm so grateful he is not physically present in my life anymore (but still harassing me through legal system, but.... whatever... f-- it).
Christmas, Mother’s Day, other people’s weddings, vacations, Father’s Day for sure, long hikes…. Pretty much every damn time. Feels good to celebrate things on my own now, just me, my kids, and the people who love us. Feeling all of you right now. I really appreciate this post 🩷
Can relate- thanksgiving this past year was overshadowed by his leaving in anger to “cool down”. Twice. And once was with my son in righteous support of an ‘offense’ against my son. All instances blown way out of proportion. Late cold dinner. Fun family times.
My 21st birthday remains the worst day of my life.